anxiety

Missed Nothing

I forgot to write my blog yesterday because I was watching a show when my alarm went off and thought for sure I would remember later.. I did not.

Yesterday I was pretty miserable. Today I am just highly anxious about next week. Listening to my crush sing for a while helped a little though. Made me stop thinking for a bit. Every time I want a little pick me up I watch the videos on YouTube and it gives me a tiny lift if I am not at rock bottom.  Maybe this means I’m on the way to an upswing. *fingers crossed*

I did try to nap today though but it was because of the anxiety, not the depression. Was not successful my brain just never shuts up.

Next week I have to go and sign the papers that sell our old home and I have to go to the INS for my new permanent resident. I rarely go out and when I do I usually prefer not to be where people are, but I have to go to both of these things and I have to interact. Terrifying I tell ya. I just have to remember that my anti-nausea meds and mint gum are my best friends in those situations.

Music sounds good today, that’s a really good sign.  I’m afraid to hope though.

Should be Happy

I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful home. I want for nothing. I’m so miserable it’s giving me headaches and body aches. I find it difficult to smile or be involved in anything. I’m easily overwhelmed and just feel horrible.

I am lucky to have someone who supports me and wants to be happy but I wish I could be better for him and I feel guilty that I don’t feel better.

Life sucks right now.

 

I’m Miserable

I’m miserable. I’m sad, I’m anxious. I’m overwhelmed, I’m weepy. I’m grumpy and I’m so depressed it’s really taking a lot out of me.

There, blog posted.

 

On The Upswing

I think I’m on an upswing. Not 100% sure because really what does normal feel like anyhow? It’s not like it is something I am used to.

I am being more active in things. Playing games and walking to catch Pokemon. Yesterday I spent hours watching a new anime. So hopefully that means that things are going to pick up.

I’ve made a decision that I am going to go on a road trip with my SiL and mom when my mom comes down from Canada to visit. We’re going to head to Denver and do some exploring and other fun things. It will be strange to do things without hubby but I think it’s going to be fun. I’m not gonna change my mind on this.  So now I am really looking forward to October.

Can I do normal things? We shall see.

Going Out

Haven’t been doing much of it honestly and I truly am missing it. I didn’t realize that I would until well here I am.

Actually gonna see if I can talk hubby into going for a walk in a bit. I need some poke balls.

*update*

We went out and had lunch at a restaurant and also did some poke stuff. It was cool when I make myself do something.

 

 

I Did Stuff

I actually feel physically crappy but I managed to do the dishes and laundry. I can never tell where I am emotionally when my body is being a dick.

I am also really damn fidgety it’s hard to just relax you know?

Is it mania? possibly .. I have am definitely experiencing a  lot of emotions.  I bawled my ass off today after watching some videos. I had a real reason to cry but I rarely do so it came as a shock, which just made me sob all the harder. I think it was cathartic though.

I really am missing my family right now. Especially my daughter and grandson. I wonder if I’ll ever get to meet him face to face and it hurts to think that I may not because of my stupid fears.

Being afraid all the time is so taxing.

Waiting For Fall

Today I just want to say that I can’t wait for Autumn. I love the crisp air, the earthy smells and Halloween. It’s still a couple months away but I get excited thinking about it.

Right now it’s so damn hot you can’t leave your house for a walk. I can’t collect pokemon. So I’m feeling trapped. If I don’t leave my house that should be my choice, not the weathers.. dammit.

What I forgot to report is last Saturday we went out to my MiL and went out on the boat and had a BBQ and I was pretty good on the anxiety front. It helps when the people you are surrounded with make you feel loved.  I relaxed some so I guess it is possible for me to leave my anxious state. Now if I can just channel that.

It’s the weekend so I will at least stop being so lonely for a couple of days.

Tonight I

Tonight I watched fire works.

I ate with family.

I socialized and acted fairly normal. honestly hating most minutes of it.

 

Made It

I finally made it to my shrink appt, woot! She is taking me completely off the wellbutrin and then we are also going to remove the Pristiq after. So another 6 weeks before that one goes.

That’s all I managed to accomplish, though she gave me another .5 mgs of xanax to take a day. 3 over the course of the day as opposed to the two I have in the morning the the .5 I have in the afternoon. We are trying to find a rhythm.

Overall it’s been a pretty good day. Oh I also ate breakfast at the restaurant. So big day for my social anxiety fears.

 

Almost Forgot

I’ve been so wrapped in myself today that I almost forgot to write my blog post.

Today has been a very hard day for me, I stayed in bed until after 1:30pm and just couldn’t get my mojo going.

My sister in law asked me to go out to visit with her and her friends and I passed that up because I was literally terrified. I also have to get the house in order for father in law’s visit.

I have broken down and cried several times. I think I am just in the throes of some bad depression.

I feel so broken.