bipolar

Hallucinations.. Fun.. Not!

Sorry I didn’t write yesterday I was trying to live a somewhat normal life and fight down a huge pile of anger that was building in me. Seems about right, weeks of depression, a couple days of happiness possible hypomania, anger then repeat? That’s usually the way it is anyhow. I can’t tell today.

I am exhausted. Last night I couldn’t sleep, no idea why, I was pretty good the few days before it. I of course got over tired and then at 6-7am I decided to take some Benadryl to help me sleep. As I lay in med waiting for it to hopefully assist me, I started seeing colors and tentacles and dozing to sleep paralysis , mixing and repeating until probably about 8-8:30 where I finally fell into REM sleep, I never got past it.. I feel like a zombie.

It’s funny how the colors, the tentacle and the monsters peeking around the corner only phase me enough in the state, to sleep with my back against my husbands so I got both sides guarded. The sleep paralysis though I don’t know that I will ever get used to it.

I suppose since it is occurring more and more often I will need to do some sort of sleep test, how does one with social anxiety who frequently has insomnia sleep in a room where they are hooked up to wires and being watched? Can’t see that happening

I’m suppose I will just nap when I came because this sleeplessness can go on for days and days. Sweeter Dreams to all.

People and Places

Being around people if very difficult for me so when I have to do so for a period of time my husband is always proud of me. the encouragement does me good.

I went to the dog park and there were other people there with dogs, which of course is one of the best ways to have a conversation because you can talk about your dogs. I managed to stay there for about 45 mins with no panic attack which trust me is a huge leap.

I can’t wait until I can start doing more normal things. I’m very fortunate to have someone who has put up with my illness all these years.

ocassionally I smile

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Today has been a better day then the last few weeks, I am not feeling hopeless or sad, in fact I might even say I feel hopeful. I decided to approach my shrink about the ECT on my appointment and I hope she will go for it. At this point it seems like the best option for me. If not I will just find someone who is willing to do it.

Thank you whoever reads this, it keeps me accountable and makes me want to post each day. That also helps me keep track of my moods. I’ll post more on ECT and maybe some links tomorrow but today I am going out into the sun and enjoy what is left of the afternoon! 🙂

Damn Mood Swings

I really would love, looove a day where my mood is my own. I am having such a rapid succession of different moods with no causes..  Depressed for a week, Happy and outgoing for a day and today I woke up pissed at the world.  Seriously how about a little hypomania.. I mean sure the last time I did that I filled two credit cards but at least I was happy about everything, the world was in bloom the sky was all shades of awesome and I didn’t feel like a fat ugly overaged woman..

I’ve tried every antidepressant there is and I’m getting tired. So tired. I am going to talk to my shrink about ECT, it seems like a good idea to me to be honest, specially if it works. It doesn’t help that she has misdiagnosed me as BP Nos, why my old one diagnosed with with BP1.. Even that is making me so pissed off I want to throw something through something else.

ARGGHHHHHHH! Why can’t I just WAKE UP HAPPY?!?!?

My life is good, a lot of people would consider themselves lucky, today I can’t find anything lucky about it.

Meh enough bitching, thanks for listening.

Art Splart

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So this is a painting I made, it took me about 2 weeks, kind of looks like a little kid did it. However I finally finished something which is honestly amazing. So I thought I would share!!

My mood is a little better today, hopefully that means I will be dropping my depression off at the devils door for a while and be able to enjoy life.

I’m sorry that my blogs are sometimes all over the place and don’t really go with the titles, I am kind of a train of thought person. hehe

This is all I am going to post today, I am gonna go and have lunch with my husband in the park, I want to sit on green grass for some reason.

Have a wonderful day!

Support Groups Depress Me

I’ve been reading a few bipolar support groups and honestly with how bad my depression is right now they just make me sad. The mania of the un-medicated people. The people who have virtually no depression.  the people considering suicide.. The spouses of the bipolars’ who are at their wits end. I don’t know how my husband puts up with me.  I can barely handle myself.

Going on 13 years together and sometimes I feel like the relationship is new and I am shy and fearful that he will leave me or cheat on me because he can get the emotional or physical support that he needs.  I wish I could just keep it to myself and let it eat me up inside instead of voicing my concerns to him.

My pills make it so that I don’t have much of a interest in sex, I am working on getting some medical marijuana since it brings it back and it doesn’t seem to mess my meds up, (which don’t seem to be doing much anyhow)

Right now though I am pretty depressed, not ready to kill myself depressed but lethargic and unable to find joy in anything. I am only posting today because I promised myself that I would force myself to do this, hoping it would be cathartic .. is it I don’t know.

I need to get my meds changed again, I’ve tried every antidepressant on the market, I thought I had finally found the one but it doesn’t seem to be working. I gets so tiring. I am so tired.. I just want to be normal and do normal things. Go out and walk in the sun, go to visit museums, theme parks, movies, dinners, feel the bare grass beneath my feet..  Ugh I think I am done for today this has gotten to sad……

Here’s the story.. of a lovely child

As far as I can remember my childhood was hell. My mom says I was a lovely sweet child with a great sense of humor that everyone loved. Then when I was 10 there was a man handing out candy that turned out to be some kind of drug.

After that I started striking out, sleep walking and my life just went to shit from there. No one knew what was wrong with me. I was in therapy for 6 years with my family. They tried really hard to work past it.  However the older I got the worse I got. By 12 I had already had lost my virginity and had had several lovers, both male and female I’d attempted to kill myself twice and I started taking LSD.

I would just randomly run away, I mean who impulsively walks 104 miles just because she doesn’t want to be where she is. I would meet strange men and go home with them. I felt like I was always searching for something.

I was beat up on a weekly basis by girls at school, molested by a boyfriends father and raped all before I was 15.  I was beaten up by a circle of kids in public school and the school removed me as to not have to lose a great deal of their grade 8 students.

I was placed in a school for kids with ‘special’ needs and was apparently locked in my room with no sheets and nothing on but underwear. I seemed to have blocked this of all things from my memory.

My mom eventually took me home because she didn’t like the way they treated me, but then at 15 I was pregnant and she was supportive and said I could stay with her. I think the only time I wasn’t manic or depressed was when I was pregnant. I was however a horrible mother, I was severely agoraphobic and couldn’t go to the store for food or take my daughter to school. She was eventually taken away from me. I don’t hate the system for doing it, she ended up in a foster home with a wonderful warm woman.

 

I think that is all for today, I want to reflect on this.

 

Wow Taking Meds Works?

I am starting to feel a little better now. My body isn’t hurting as much as it was before and I can actually stand without falling over. Yay!

I wish I could remember to take my pills, you would think that it is so vital for my existence to take them that I would remember. Pain, nausea, faintness heart palpitation’s for missing a week of Lamictal. Wish they warned you about those side effects.

The my viibryd works better than anything else I have taken and I think I have pretty much taken them all. Kind of like a last chance and I still manage to mess it up.

I am hoping that writing this blog will help both me and others if someone decides to read it.

Unmedicated I was a hot mess. I was violent and impulsive and so much more.. I came so close to losing the man of my dreams by pushing him away.  You definitely do not want to lose someone who always treats you with kindness regardless of how batshit crazy you act. It’s always so hard for us to have relationships. I don’t even have any friends because I don’t have the ability to be a responsive person. I disappear into the cracks for months then show up again.

Ugh I got off on a rant..  That’s me lol

Ow my brain hurts..

Yesterday I woke up feeling cheerful and hopeful, I talked my husbands ear off! I am sure he was quietly in his mind going omg woman shut up lol.  The day before that I couldn’t even get out of bed, let alone talk.. I just wanted to sleep and forget the world around me, moving was a pain both mentally and physically.  Depression is crippling and it makes me miss the mania.. I missed almost a week of my antipsychotic and it completely threw my emotions for a loop. I highly advise that you never ever go off your meds without the assistance of your doctor.

It always seem like a good idea to stop taking what I think is a poison that fills my veins, but it keeps me from completely ruining my life and/or killing myself. Even now with being on the meds I don’t have that much control over my emotions. People say to meditate or some other Zen type thing, but you have a gazillion thoughts racing through your head it is pretty much impossible..

Hopefully they will figure out my meds enough that I can have some semblance of a normal life.. I look forward to that day very much!