I’m tired of things being the way they are. I read stories all day about people and animals that need help or have been helped and I want to be one of those people that do that. I have no idea where to start since going out isn’t really something I am good at yet. It’s eating me up though. I just have such a strong yearning to help.
I would gladly take suggestions for things I can do from my home. Anyone have any idea’s?
I woke up in a bad mood today. I literally barked at my dog when she wouldn’t stop barking and scared her. I was so pissed though. Construction going on since first thing in the morning, making the dogs bark, keeping me awake. There’s a reason I sleep until 11 or 12, it’s so I don’t have to fill 8 hours of being alone.
So ya I’m bitchy!
My alarm went off to write the blog in the middle of hubby and me watching some TV we have DVR’d. After the episode is over hubby shuts off the TV and I’m like what the fuck dude. He’s like go write your blog then we can watch some more. So here I am writing my blog. Even though I yelled and stamped my feet like a child walking up the stairs to my computer, I’m here. Well I was here.. Now I’m gone, til tomorrow anyhow.
Today is the year anniversary of my best friends death. She was the most amazing person. She always made me want to be another person. I miss her so much. So fucking much. I wish she was here to kick my ass. I only had one friend and now she is gone.
I woke up sad. The last couple of days I have been dragging my ass out of bed when I wake up after staying there for way longer than I should. I looked around my house and didn’t want to do a thing. I curled up on the couch and read Facebook.
I miss my weed right now. It makes me numb, instead I’ve been crying. I mean I have reasons and then the additional depression but I don’t want to feel sad feelings.
How can I be happy? It’s a valid question I have no answer to!
It so hot here right now it is in the 90’s going to hit over 100 with the humidex. ugh That means if I wanted to go out not gonna happen. I only like to go to outdoor things, I hate indoors I always feel so trapped.
Hubby is home which is good at least it gives me someone to talk to when I am wandering around trying to find something to do because I ran out of weed again.. sigh. Gonna be a long week.
I can feel that I am restless and today is going to be challenging for me to find things to do. I need to start showing an interest in more of the house work, that could kill 30 mins or so.
Just doesn’t feel like a hope filled day, hopefully that will change.
I don’t even have a shirt of his that has his scent because we washed all the laundry this weekend.
I’m sad and non-motivated to even write my blog today. Sorry.
Recently my doctor increased my Latuda to 80mg up from 60mg. I didn’t connect the fact that the Latuda and these horrible hot flashes I’ve been having were connected. Well since it has gotten worse since the increase I am going to say it is definitely from the Latuda.
The thing is it’s working for me. I’m less depressed but more anxious. I also think that’s related so I don’t know what to do about it. I hope that both pass as I get used to the drug being in my system.
If you’ve never had a hot flash then you have no idea how horrible it makes you feel. You are all of a sudden on fire, it’s so hot it make’s you nauseated. It feel like it it never going to end but then it does and you are completely soaked head to toe in sweat. I feel consistantly sticky all the time. My dogs love it though cause I’m salty. I hope they pass or there is something that will help cause I don’t want to give up the Latuda.
I always believed that when I was all grown up I would never want for anything. I could eat anything that I wanted. I could go into the stores and request any item of any price and it would be mine.
Little did I know that there would be days where I was hungry. Times when all I could do of was dream of having the simplistic comforts.
At this point in my life, things are better and I have what a lot of people call first world problems. Took me a long time to reach this point but honestly I think life is better than I could have ever imagined. Even on days like today where I am feeling like shit I know that I want for nothing but maybe a little peace of mind.
I both love and hate Sundays. I love spending time with hubby. Sundays we probably spend the most time together. We’ve been watching the last two seasons of Supernatural that we have DVR’d. It’s enjoyable, passes time and I get to look at two extra cute guys. LOL . The reason I hate Sundays is I know Monday is coming and hubby will leave to go to work and I’ll be wandering the house for the next week. Hubby is getting 9 days off in a row next week though so I just have to make it past this one.
I haven’t done much else today except for realize that I’ve really let myself go. I need to start working on everything. However that is overwhelming so I will likely start with one thing at a time. It’s easier to focus for me if I introduce stuff slowly. I’ve already been working on my diet. Now I am going to be working certain muscles out every single time I think about it. Which I hope is a lot, I’m not setting alarms for it though as it is easier to just do it the second I start thinking about it.
I removed a Facebook page I liked yesterday. It’s all pro animal and often shows videos of rescues. I love the rescues and the babies finding their new homes. I hate seeing what people will do to an innocent. It makes my stomach and heart hurt like no one business. I am one of those people that usually bury my head in the sand so I don’t find out about the bad things going on in the world. I mean my brain is already my greatest enemy, who needs the scum of the earth added to my already fragile mind.
Ever wanted to make a difference, have no idea where to start and feel that your social anxiety/agoraphobia will stop you from doing anything of value.
My best friend Dani who passed last year would foster animals and go to pet adoptions to help out. Even with fighting cancer she stepped out and did really good things. I wish I was more like her. She was so brave. I could handle the animals it’s the people I am terrified of. I need to get past this fear, I’m 47 I think it is about time I did something with my life.
I have two dogs, a 13 pounds Maltese mix and a 4,5 pound Yorkie. I love them with every fiber of my being.
I hate hearing about people harming animals, it hurts my heart and makes me want to take even more animals in. I won’t cause of my depression and the two doggies I have now are enough work.
The reason I’m talking about this is because I have been watching videos and reading stories all day about animal rescues and various other animal related stuff mostly it was super cuteness. I like to read about rescues. Not because I enjoy hearing the horrible things people do, but because I love to see the wonderful things people do. There are really two kinds of people. You are either good or you are not. I’m not talking on a heaven or hell level. I’m just talking about how you treat and respect people and animals. You are either good or bad. I don’t see grey. Good people can do bad things, it happens. We’re all so human. I would be happy as hell if some kind of UFO came and sucked up all the assholes though!
Today I have been twitchy. I am having a hard time sitting still but I’m also finding it hard to find something to do. Today I have cried, laughed, smiled, ranted and faced some of people social anxiety by sitting on my porch while there are a ton of construction workers building a house next door. It was difficult. I would like to be able to do one thing I am afraid of once a day. I need to get out of my rut.
Today I when my blogging alarm went off that was the sound I made, ugh.
Today has been a alright day. Physically I feel off, like my head is full of cotton balls. I hate that, it almost makes me feel like pulling back into a corner and crying.
I have accomplished some things though. I walked to the mailbox with my hubby. I had a shower. I painted my nails. Doesn’t seem like much does it? Yet all of those things are hard for me to get motivated to do. Sometimes it can be a week or more between showers when I’m in a depressive place. It makes me feel gross and sad. Though I always look fine to everyone else. That’s always been important to me, calmness on the outside while screaming on the inside! Anyone else do this?
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day physically. I’m not quitting smoking weed but I am going to give myself a few days break, my throat hurts. Plus I see my psychiatrist on Thursday and I want to be able to tell my shrink how I really feel.
I feel motivated but sad and I think the sad will go away as soon as my body stops bothering me.
A Bipolars Reality 