As of this afternoon I am out of weed until October, who knows I might even feel comfortable enough to avoid getting it then. I’m depressed but we all saw that coming didn’t we. I could watch it happening and still the need to smoke overcame any want to get better, until now that is.
I am having a serious lack of motivation but have been playing WoW.
I don’t even want to be writing this blog right now. Yet I know if I don’t it will eat me up inside for missing a day, much like all the other days I’ve missed. I only think I missed on purpose once and it wasn’t going to be today.
I’ve done nothing with my day but watch TV. Nothing exciting going on.
One bad thing about this weed is it makes you eat.. A Lot..
Today I went out of the house to catch pokemon and get some keys made at a store. I apparently really needed to get out of the house because when hubby suggested it I jumped on that train. hehe.
Going into the store to get keys made was actually my idea and I took a picture of us outside for my Facebook.
I’m also showing an interest in all the things I have been DVRing for months.
I’m still not physically feeling great but I got to ignore it which was nice for a while.
Maybe I am coming out of my depression, maybe hubby was right. I so hope not, I hate telling him he’s right. I like being right lol.
I woke up today and I don’t know how I feel other than very unmotivated and fidgety . I can’t sit still long enough to get into any TV shows and I have no motivation to do anything that requires movement.
I also do not feel like writing my blog today. I don’t feel like doing anything.
My brain is all wrapped up in all the negative things going on in America right now. I’m feeling afraid and lost. All I keep thinking is that we are so fucking screwed.
However I am realizing as I write this listening to music, that the music is doing something wonderful. It’s distracting my brain. Enough that I can breathe a little. Really makes me miss my weed though. Nothing is better than getting stoned and just laying back listening to some upbeat dance music (or whatever you like). It’s so wonderful feeling. The music is good on it’s own of course, I love music.
It actually makes me want to start moving my tushy and dance around as opposed to sitting here and doing this.. So I am going to go and dance while I am in the mood to do something. *shakes booty*
I actually thought about writing my blog without using the alarm! Hopefully this will become a good habit again.
How am I feeling today? I honestly don’t know. I am motivated enough to shower and wash the dog. (two for one deal) I was able to eat a little already which is good. Lately I have just such a hard time eating. I know it is all in my brain though. I just have to be tougher than it for a change. Eating when you don’t want to is just very difficult. I’m not exactly nauseated. It’s really hard to describe.
My mood is good. My anxiety is middle of the road. I try not to think about it too much. Thinking about my anxiety makes me more anxious. Stupid huh?
So far today has been kind to me with the hot flashes. I am hoping my body is getting used to the Latuda.
Still missing my weed though. I didn’t realize just how much it helped with things like anxiety and eating. Tonight I should be able to get some more though. I wish I lived in Colorado.
Today I when my blogging alarm went off that was the sound I made, ugh.
Today has been a alright day. Physically I feel off, like my head is full of cotton balls. I hate that, it almost makes me feel like pulling back into a corner and crying.
I have accomplished some things though. I walked to the mailbox with my hubby. I had a shower. I painted my nails. Doesn’t seem like much does it? Yet all of those things are hard for me to get motivated to do. Sometimes it can be a week or more between showers when I’m in a depressive place. It makes me feel gross and sad. Though I always look fine to everyone else. That’s always been important to me, calmness on the outside while screaming on the inside! Anyone else do this?
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day physically. I’m not quitting smoking weed but I am going to give myself a few days break, my throat hurts. Plus I see my psychiatrist on Thursday and I want to be able to tell my shrink how I really feel.
I feel motivated but sad and I think the sad will go away as soon as my body stops bothering me.
I don’t know if I should post when I remember to post or just when my alarm goes off. Waiting for the alarm gives me more of a chance of something happening to me. Otherwise, it’s Reba til Two, The Middle til Five, Last Man Standing til Eight, The Middle til ten, then mike & molly, two broke girls til midnight where I go to bed.
Sometimes I stop watching TV and actually play on my computer or paint.
Then there are those rare days where I leave the house.
Today I think I’ll just stick with my original plan and chill on the couch for the day, I have no motivation.
P.S. I’m sorry if I don’t respond to comments, I love reading them, I’m just not good at responding and I don’t want people to feel left out if I don’t know what to say. I’m very happy that I got as many comments as I did about my tunes.
I absolutely hate that I have no motivation to do anything today. I did pick up a few pieces of trash that needed to get thrown out but that’s about all I’ve done with my day.
I’m still trying to be easy on myself. So I lay in a sunbeam like my dogs and sucked up some Vitamin D, get some help with the depression. It’s getting better but I am really looking forward to having some motivation again.
Half the time I just feel lost…
I’m feeling slightly better today. I don’t know if it’s real though. I did my normal Saturday wake n bake.
I feel less heavy though. It feels like I have been given a little room to breath. Just a little but the air is wonderful. It gives me some hope that I can slide back to the other side of the see-saw.
I woke up and started painting almost right away. I have things in my brain that need to come out apparently. Oh it would be so lovely if I could have a hypo-manic episode, I could get so much shit done. Right now I’m ignoring that stuff and waiting until I feel better to do anything about it. Unless I get motivated.
Motivation would be nice.
This was the shortest period a depression has ever lasted. 3 days, that was it and then I went back to feeling normal.
However I am missing something. My creativity and want to create is next to nil. I want to do other things and I am cleaning the house so it is not a lack of motivation. I think my meds are messing with that part of my brain. If they are I have issue with that. Is being able to paint and write worth months of depression, well no. Yet I still would like to be able to do those things.
I am starting a painting tomorrow for my BFF. I hope that I can create something as beautiful as she is… We shall see..
A Bipolars Reality 