Author: abipolarsreality

I am a bipolar of 34ish years, diagnosed only 10ish year ago. I am still struggling with it and have not come to some kind of level ground. I am hoping this blogging helps. I love to write, it is something I enjoyed for many years and I hope to renew my love for it here as well.

Target Pokemon

While my mood wasn’t much better today than it’s been I did two things. I walked downtown to play Pokemon and I went to Target to shop for my favorite things. Halloween decorations. We got some pretty good ones too. I still think we need something a little more scary but our house is gonna be totes adorbs! (yes it’s not english and I don’t care)

I almost forgot to write my blog but I actually remembered all on my own without my alarm and here I am.

I’m still hopeful that I might be on an upswing and it’s just taking a while to hit me.  Who knows?!?

Missed Nothing

I forgot to write my blog yesterday because I was watching a show when my alarm went off and thought for sure I would remember later.. I did not.

Yesterday I was pretty miserable. Today I am just highly anxious about next week. Listening to my crush sing for a while helped a little though. Made me stop thinking for a bit. Every time I want a little pick me up I watch the videos on YouTube and it gives me a tiny lift if I am not at rock bottom.  Maybe this means I’m on the way to an upswing. *fingers crossed*

I did try to nap today though but it was because of the anxiety, not the depression. Was not successful my brain just never shuts up.

Next week I have to go and sign the papers that sell our old home and I have to go to the INS for my new permanent resident. I rarely go out and when I do I usually prefer not to be where people are, but I have to go to both of these things and I have to interact. Terrifying I tell ya. I just have to remember that my anti-nausea meds and mint gum are my best friends in those situations.

Music sounds good today, that’s a really good sign.  I’m afraid to hope though.

Even Family Night Isn’t Working

It’s family dinner time and I didn’t even have to cook but I am still miserable.  You would think being surrounded by loved ones would pick up my mood but it hasn’t.

Next week I have to go and sign papers selling our house and go to the INS for my stuff for renewing my greencard and it’s stressing me out

I’m stressed and depressed what a joy! I’m honestly so miserable. I know it is going to stop at some point but since I don’t know when it feels unbearable.

Even my facebook posts and copies are dark and about depression. I’m finding it so hard to do anything.

Accomplishment for the day, I showered. That’s something. I mean it has to mean something. If I didn’t have an accomplishment a day I think I would just give up completely. I don’t think my husband understands how hard this cycle is being on me.

I should try to tell him.

I Should Be Counting

I should be counting he days that I am miserable. I know I had a good day or two but mostly they have all been depressive.

My husband wants me to try this herbal supplement that helps with depression. I mean I tried ETC so why wouldn’t I try some herbal shit right? Might as well try them all.

I did accomplish something today though and that was making dinner. Not a huge accomplishment but one none-the-less.

I have been reading and just trying not to go back to bed and dream. I love dreaming, good things happen there and weird things and even bad things but none of them feel as bad as I do when I’m awake.

I’m really tired of this shit.

Boredom

Today I have spent most of my day upstairs watching my typical TV shows and just trying to maintain a sense of normality.

I still feel emotionally like shit. I feel physically shitty too.. it sucks. Things just suck right now. Trying so hard not to give up and just stay in my bed. It’s hard though.

Life is hard.

 

So Tired

I’m tired of feeling like shit.

My father in law came to visit us for a week and I can’t get up the energy to even be involved with it.

I even asked my hubby to talk his sister into not coming over tonight because I was just not in the mood. She’s one of my favorite people in the world and I don’t want to see her, well her and her kids. I don’t know that I would be able to control my temper if they misbehaved and I don’t want that coming between us.

I love the kids don’t get me wrong I just have no patience today.

I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep until I wake up and the birds are singing and there’s rainbows every where.  I know it won’t happen but a girl can dream a little huh?

fuck it.

Should be Happy

I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful home. I want for nothing. I’m so miserable it’s giving me headaches and body aches. I find it difficult to smile or be involved in anything. I’m easily overwhelmed and just feel horrible.

I am lucky to have someone who supports me and wants to be happy but I wish I could be better for him and I feel guilty that I don’t feel better.

Life sucks right now.

 

I’m Miserable

I’m miserable. I’m sad, I’m anxious. I’m overwhelmed, I’m weepy. I’m grumpy and I’m so depressed it’s really taking a lot out of me.

There, blog posted.

 

Woke Up In A Bad Mood

Today I woke up in a bad mood. It just seems to be getting worse again .. I’m bitchy as hell and of course I’m taking it out on the one person who is always in my corner.  He’s really pissing me off though.

Everything is pissing me off.

This blog is pissing me off.

Facebook is pissing me off.

LIFE is pissing me off.

So pissed off.. I need a med update..

Made It

45 mins to midnight and I remembered to write my blog, woot! Okay so no actual woot. I’m feeling super bitchy. I’m sitting here eating cotton candy and just feeling very frustrated.

I thought I might be coming out of my depression but I’m still finding it hard to find happiness. You know there are dribs and drabs here and there and I probably should just enjoy what I’ve got, but I’m greedy and want to feel more than a moment of happiness. I want a day, maybe a week. That would be awesome.

I think I need to have more meds added back in. I was hoping that I wouldn’t need to do that, but I can’t deal with bitchy. It makes me push away the person I love in the world. Tomorrow is another day.