anger

The Princess and the Pea

helovesmeTook me a while to post today because everything is pissing me off. Creating pissed me off, my dogs are pissing me off, EVERYTHING is pissing me off. Even my husband is pissing me off and he is also as usual making me insecure. The first part he is well aware of and possibly even enjoying a little. I’m so stressed out and he can’t stop being a prick. Normally he is awesome. I am over sensitive but OMFG he is just bitching and moaning about everything when really I would like to just stress about what is going on now instead of 5 weeks from now. Then complaining he is not allowed to be stressed out. Of course he is, but can I seriously just kind of get my meds under some kind of control before you push me over the edge dude. I rarely complain about him because he is my angel but today I just want to punch him in the face. I know it is even unrealistic anger  but that doesn’t stop me from feeling it from my head all the way down to my toes. Like if I don’t hurt something I am going to explode. Thrumming I like to call it.

I know it is chemical changes but it makes me feel like a horrible person.

Last night while trying to fall asleep I was seeing and hearing things and terrified to get out of my bed. I could feel every loose thread and hair. I seriously am really fighting the urge to shave my head so fucking much. I hate it right now. I hate short hair, god I hate everything. I couldn’t fall asleep of course because apparently I am never going to sleep again. Makes me want to get drunk, but I know that is a no-no with the lithium.

I did find some things to do though which was nice for a change. Logged into crunchyroll and watched a new anime. That killed a few hours since I was behind on it. Eventually I sort of dozed off into REM. I don’t mean to bitch but I really need to sometimes. Things are imperfect, they always will be. I get to write and I get to go outside and I get to live. Which honestly is better than all the alternatives.

I Feel Weird

I’m not super happy, I am not depressed. I can’t really explain the way I am feeling.

I’m smiling at things, I’m frowning at things. It’s weird. I hope this isn’t what normal feels like cause I won’t be having any of that.

I am still tired. I can not get enough sleep. Tons of REM, very little of anything else.

I need to go out today. I want to show an adventure with my pictures when I go out. Gotta keep up with the BFF 😛

I don’t think this is normal cause it feels almost numb, I guess that would be closer to depression that anything. Blech is a good descriptive word.

Definitely having some disassociation going on. Maybe that is the full problem. The feeling that I am watching everything from the outside in. ..

I want to run.. like just leave and run and run and run.. sitting still just isn’t going very well for me right now.. Everyday it gets worse. I know it’s because I want to leave and go home to Omaha. It will get worse. Until I am like a kid who has had to much sugar.

God I wish I wasn’t so fucking fat so I could run and not worry about killing myself.. okay now I’m getting pissed off.. moods I tell ya

I Hate World of Warcraft!!!

Today I’m pissed, but I am actually pissed for a reason. I have played this World of Warcraft since 1 year after it came out, so maybe 9 years with a break or two. I’m a completest so I collect all the pets and mounts and do all the achievements.

I hate the way the game has changed and I hate the way it forces me to PVP (player vs player) to make an achievement that in of itself takes a full year or longer to get all the things done for. It made me realize that no matter how hard I work at things it will just take my time and money and give me no sense of satisfaction. I waited a full year to try again but things are so unbalanced that I will never get this achievement.

People who don’t play online roleplaying games really don’t understand this feeling. I play 4 different games just to get my thrill. I think it’s a form of gambling and I think it’s an addiction that I should just quit doing. I feel like I am nerd raging right now.

Rift – Which is an awesome game for creativity, if you have an unending flow of cash and the need to build this game it fun. I literally have spent 10000 though. 😦  Yes that’s dollars I didn’t have.

WoW – If you like neverending questing or crappy pvp this game is for you! The graphics are lovely but the game itself is like the song that never ends. I’ve already spent a couple of hundred dollars since I came back.. regret much? omg yes

Guild Wars – Now if you like PVP this is a great game! However there are lots of little things to spend your money on. I’ve probably spent about 1500ish.

Marvel Heroes – This game is great if you like picking up shining and like a more diablo play style. Again though with heroes and outfits I have spent at least 2000+ dollars

If you have some self control three of these games are free-to-play and you can still have a really good time. WoW isn’t though it requires a subscription and your fucking soul. I really need something new to do with my life, it makes me sad just writing all this crap out.. Years and cash down the drain..  I feel like I’ve been robbed.

 

I’m So Pissed Off!!!!

Everything is making me so damn angry. I want to punch walls and scream at the top of my lungs. were it permissible for me to do either of those things I think that would feel great. Since I can’t though I am just sitting her letting it build and boil while I think about all the things going on in my life.

My house is a huge fucking mess, it is so overwhelming that I don’t even know where to start. I still at this moment do not know for sure if we are going back to Omaha. I still feel like shit.. I can not find anything to distract me from the anger I am feeling. I hate this, I know I am also feeling very impulsive which is why I have just been sitting in one place not moving.

I feel almost hateful about my life. I want to hiss and spit and kick and punch. I so wish I had one of those punching dummies.  Something I put on the list I suppose. For now I just have to sit here and smolder, trying to think of something positive, all the while also not feeling like I’m inside myself. It scares me when I am like this. I haven’t done anything for a long time while I am like this.

Actually feeling all these things together hasn’t happened in a long time. Tears are starting to form in my eyes and I’m afraid if I start crying I will never stop, ever..

I know I’m stressed out about the moving back to Omaha, I am so tired of other people being in charge of my future, I have no control over anything. I can’t even control the way I feel. It is so damn frustrating. I feel bitter bile filled hatred for the company my husband works for. I have only hated people this much one or twice before and that was because they abused me in one way or another.

I just want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. I hate it. The sunny weather and the allergens all times of the year, the skinny assed snotty people. No yard, no place to garden. No place to go. No sitting in my backyard without being viewed on by 20 other fricken apartments. I hate it.

I just want to be home, it’s bad enough I have to wait to go, I would honestly just leave everything here and not look back if it wasn’t for my husband and dogs. More things holding me back.. Love, always holding me back..

How long until I finally just break? How much can a person take before they go completely off the wall bat shit crazy? Am I already there? I feel destructive..

 

Frikken Bipolars!

Mood: How about Meh.. with a touch of can’t sit still or find anything to do.

I was recently reading one of the many support boards and there were some suggested blogs.. It really just made me mad more than anything. We as bipolars are our best support system and our worst enemies.

A Rant

You know what I absolutely hate? When bipolars decide that their experiences pertain to everyone.

Examples:

We are unable to have relationships. (it’s hard but we can do it with an understanding supportive partner)

It’s not true that bipolars are violent. (some are/were) I tried to strangle my mother once in a fit of bipolar rage! I struck out at my husband with my fist and and severely hurtful words.

It’s not true that bipolars are promiscuous. (some are/were) this happens to be one of the reasons that many bipolar relationships end in divorce. ( as I said one)

It’s not true that we can’t be cured. (we can’t be cured just treated, there are medications and treatments that can assist people. Some people however never get the right treatment. Congratulations functioning bipolars!)

Movies don’t portray us correctly. (some movies don’t portray you correctly) A good example of this is Silver Linings Playbook. This movie cut me to the bone. I watched it with my husband and mother and father in law and couldn’t finish watching it because a great deal of it reminded me of myself. I felt ashamed and awed. However I have heard that some bipolars found it exaggerated. That’s because… wait for it… We are all different!

Admittedly a lot of movies don’t paint us in a favorable light but anything that get information out there is a good thing. It makes people curious. There will always be the ignorant few that don’t care to learn and that has nothing to do with the movie.

Sorry this is the one thing that really pissed me off today. All of our experiences are unique. We may share attributes with others but we are but one person in a sea of many and to say blatantly that your experience is the same as anyone else’s is well just selfish and thoughtless.

I cannot believe how fired up this got me. I try to read others messages/blogs with an open mind and when I speak I tell it from what has happened to me because I know it varies from person to person.

If someone has all the knowledge, they may know what to expect but when someone singles out certain behavior and refutes others it will alienate the very people who are reading what we write as a support system. No one wants to feel alone. No one is alone. What you are feeling others have felt. Others have also felt what you have not felt.

We as bipolars must stick together as a community because no one will ever understand us quite like one another.

As a little side note, thank you to the people who have commented and followed my blog. I appreciate it very much. I am horrible at responding to comments it makes me feel shy and I come up a blank most of the time but please know that it means a great deal to me.

Damn Mood Swings

I really would love, looove a day where my mood is my own. I am having such a rapid succession of different moods with no causes..  Depressed for a week, Happy and outgoing for a day and today I woke up pissed at the world.  Seriously how about a little hypomania.. I mean sure the last time I did that I filled two credit cards but at least I was happy about everything, the world was in bloom the sky was all shades of awesome and I didn’t feel like a fat ugly overaged woman..

I’ve tried every antidepressant there is and I’m getting tired. So tired. I am going to talk to my shrink about ECT, it seems like a good idea to me to be honest, specially if it works. It doesn’t help that she has misdiagnosed me as BP Nos, why my old one diagnosed with with BP1.. Even that is making me so pissed off I want to throw something through something else.

ARGGHHHHHHH! Why can’t I just WAKE UP HAPPY?!?!?

My life is good, a lot of people would consider themselves lucky, today I can’t find anything lucky about it.

Meh enough bitching, thanks for listening.