depression

Afraid To Say It

When I woke up this… well when I woke up today I felt like the clouds had parted a little. I’m not happy by any means, but I laughed and smiled today.  I also have one hell of a temper today too though.  I’m feeling emotional. I guess that is better than down right?

I hope that it means this depressive cycle is finally ending, it’s really been going on rather long and I’m super tired.

Today is family dinner night and my mother in law and niece are over for tacos. I’m finding it hard to socialize though. I kind of just want to crawl into myself and listen to music for a while. I put my music on while I’m writing my blog so I can feel lighter.  Does that make sense? I have no idea anymore.

I walked to the mailbox which is halfway down the road, so that was my accomplishment for the day, though I suppose making dinner and socializing could count as accomplishments too.

The hardest thing about not having the weed is I’m having a hard time finding food I want to eat. I have to force myself to eat 350 calories at 10pm so that my Latuda works the way it is supposed to.  I just find food really unpleasant at the moment, well for the last several months.

I dragged the back of a butcher knife down my arm wishing that I could cut it just a little. I know it’s not healthy. I wouldn’t admit that anywhere but here though. I don’t need anyone worrying about me more than they are already worried. I promised hubby I would go to the hospital if things get worse so he doesn’t need to know about my little fantasy.

I think I’m going to be OK this cycle. Maybe I’ll get a nice little break and hubby will be right about the weed fucking me up more than helping. I promised him a month. That’s all he’s getting though if he’s wrong.

 

 

Things Are Hard Right Now

I’m very depressed. I miss my family very much. My SiL doesn’t have time for me right now because she is too busy dating. I completely understand but miss our weekly hang outs.

I haven’t been smoking any weed which makes everything feel so much harder. I like to be numb. I like to experience laughter. You know good things.

I’ve had a lot of feelings about hurting myself.  I just want the depression to end. I would like to have some focus in my life. I’m so very tired.

My husband is concerned for me and has been staying home. He doesn’t know where my brain has been going. He fears for me when I am this depressed though. He is a good kind man. So I will not hurt myself and if I can’t fight the feelings I will ask for help.

I wish I could describe this.  it’s so painful. My brain can’t focus very well right now either though.

Probably The Worst

This is probably the worst depression I’ve had in a long time and I’m so tired of putting on a happy face so no one else worries.

I can’t find anything positive. If you ask me what’s wrong, I couldn’t tell you other than I’m depressed. I just feel like curling up into a ball and staying that way forever.

 

Gotta Catch Em All

As I said I downloaded Pokemon go to play and get me out of the house more. Today I did just that. Me and hubby drove around a little and found some Pokemon and some gyms and other things. It was a lot of fun and we got to explore a really nice park we didn’t even know was there.

First day of my month off of weed and I already accomplished some going out. Go me. lol.

My husband says he feels silly cause we are in our forties catching Pokemon.  Yet he was having just as much fun. 🙂 Something not only to go out but do together. 🙂 I’m level 3 now!

GOing

I decided to download pokemon go on my phone to try and get out a little more. I don’t know if it will help but hubby and I are going to his mom’s Saturday and hopefully I’ll catch one or two.

I’m still quite depressed and don’t feel like doing much.

More Fourth of July

Here is a movie of some of the fireworks. I just don’t feel like posting 😦

More Blah

Yep I’m on that steady decline. I missed my blog yesterday because I had company and my husband shut my alarm off again. Seriously his heart is in the right place.

I’ve been having more of my reoccurring depressive thingies happening, like foggy brain, tears, sluggish movements, sad scary thoughts, those classic whatif’s that I have talked about many times before.  I hate watching it happen and knowing there is nothing I can do.  I admit I can empathize most with my husband at this point. He doesn’t know what to do for me and feels helpless. He keeps trying though. He is so wonderful. Gotta keep focusing on the good.

Let’s see despite the depression I had a shower yesterday and today I made dinner. Not huge accomplishments but still I did not stay in bed all day and that is what really matters in the end doesn’t it.

 

Still Blah

It takes me forever to get out of bed once I wake up. It’s so warm and comforting. When I finally did wake up I asked hubby if he wanted to go for a walk. Then away we went for a walk around the neighborhood. I at least accomplished something today if nothing else happens I gotta keep this in perspective.

I’m considering giving up the weed again. It’s tough because it gets me through a lot of stress but it really is messing with my antidepressants and honestly which is more important at the moment.  I’m tired of being sad, I should be filled with joy about my grandchild.

Well off to find something to do hopefully.

Just Blah

I’m wandering around. Wandering trying to find something that will settle me down. Something that will occupy my mind. I’m just listening to music and smoking the green and that’s it. I need more in my life. Those 3 days where I had to be around people was hard but it made me realize just how lonely I was. Even keeping mostly to myself I felt less alone than I do now. None of my hobbies are appealing to me right now either. Even writing this blog is draining the hell out of me.

 

Almost Forgot

I’ve been so wrapped in myself today that I almost forgot to write my blog post.

Today has been a very hard day for me, I stayed in bed until after 1:30pm and just couldn’t get my mojo going.

My sister in law asked me to go out to visit with her and her friends and I passed that up because I was literally terrified. I also have to get the house in order for father in law’s visit.

I have broken down and cried several times. I think I am just in the throes of some bad depression.

I feel so broken.