mania

I Am Slowly Going Crazy

Mood: Stressed!

Goodbye depression, hello hypomania. I am seriously cycling way to damn fast. I would like to get off the ride of my emotions and just throw up some normal, ya know?

I am sitting here at my computer so restless. Everything that I normally enjoy holds no interest to me. I am so fidgety. I try something for 5 minutes then I need to move  on to something else.

I had nightmares all night because I am so stressed my mom is coming. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom to pieces but she actually likes to do things and enjoys a clean home. My sister and my niece (9months old) are coming as well so I have to consciously think about everything that is on the floor.  They are going to be here Saturday. *fidget*

I tried cleaning and then I get overwhelmed at least I am getting a room done at a time but then I need to move on to something else. I keep thinking that I have found something that will hold my interest but nope. *fidget* I suppose writing at least holds some interest for me, especially since I promised myself to post at least once a day. I don’t want to write to far ahead though because I don’t want to get stuck on a day when I am supposed to be writing.

Everything is just so much work lately. Even getting out of bed. I rarely even bother to get dressed or even brush my hair unless it is to go for my nightly walk, then I typically just wear some baggy unattractive clothes so I can just get the heck out of here.. Hmm maybe that is what I’ll do go for a walk that will kill 30 minutes and make the puppies happy.  I wish I was at a point that I could go out by myself cause I will need to drag hubby away from the game he is enjoying, grrr. *fidget*

In the past hour, I have read some blogs, some support boards, tried several games, tried to watch TV, tried to clean.. Most days are like this, I can’t focus on anything. When I am manic I can focus but that is really the only time. I wish it wasn’t so destructive it really is quite useful when it happens. *fidget fidget*

Well I think I will go for that walk, maybe the fresh air will settle me enough so I can concentrate on one thing for a while instead of bouncing.. I feel like one of those super rubber balls that just never stop..

A Great Talk

Mood: Levelish.. for now I guess..

marina del rey

My mood yesterday was crazy, I started off sad, then slightly manic, then contemplative, then insecure.. One of the good things about it is I went out to the marina *see picture above*  and went out to dinner, both really hard things for me to do so they were big accomplishments. I don’t know what this had to do with the moods. I am trying to go out for at least a walk when I am feeling sad though, apparently exercise helps!

When I was sitting down to dinner with hubby we got to talking about the way I was before I got medicated. Honestly I have been talking his ear of a lot the last few weeks as I am trying to finally reach some kind of acceptance of my diagnosis so that I can just come to terms with it. For some reason those first few years are mostly a fog, but he remembers everything quite clearly, something I think I will probably never forgive myself for. I didn’t know what was wrong with me but having someone who loves you suffer in anyway never feels good.

We went over a lot of my hypersexual behavior, which honestly for him was mostly a win, I was also very involved in the personal problems of other people and while I never hid the fact of it from him, I was also may have been to forthright and he actually got concerned that I had been having an affair. I didn’t even know about this until today. It breaks my heart to have him to have ever of thought that for a second. It’s the one thing I have managed to avoid doing and will continue regardless how bad this gets, I hope.

He is my everything. Some will say this might be a bad thing. I don’t know if it is. He literally saved my life. He came to meet me in Canada for my birthday. I had planned to kill myself after meeting with him. I however had the most profound experience. He was very sick, so all we could do was talk, snuggle, nap and watch cartoons (we both love em). I had already had feelings for him, but in that time I fell in love with him. So I decided to chase him down in Nebraska and we were together ever since.

That’s not to say it has been easy, I tried to kill myself during one of my manic episodes. He hadn’t done something with the laundry and I went bat shit crazy about it then took a whole bottle of sleeping pills. After that I have no memories of it at all, but he does. I hate that. He tells me the stories of it from time to time and laughs because I drove the nurses crazy by being a general pain in the ass. He saves me time and time again.

His smile can just amaze me.

He worries that he doesn’t feel things strongly enough. He is soft spoken and kind and rarely gets angry when others would be well past their breaking point but when he loves me, he loves me more than I have ever seen ever in the entire world.. Well you get my meaning, I’ve never seen the entire world.

I can’t say how lucky I am, I can never express it enough. I just hope that I can be a better person and keep him happy, I would hate to see that smile go away.

My Brain She Is Broken

Mood: Tired with a touch of sadness.

Last night I could not sleep. This happens quite frequently so if I make a lot of spelling errors I apologize.

The other night I said to my husband. Do you think I am mentally ill enough, I haven’t tried to kill myself in a while. This was a concern about talking to my shrink about ECT.

It’s not that I haven’t thought about it, I mean when I am depressed all I can think about is how tired I am of all this. However because I don’t have the extreme Mania that I did before it’s something I actually think about as opposed to just *bam* doing it.  It scares me to think my mania is low when I spent 15000 dollars on crap in a 2 month period. I can’t even imagine what that would be like unmedicated!!

Back on topic. Last night I was feeling so off, kind of like watching myself from the outside. It’s so hard to describe. I hate when this happens as I am hyper aware of everything around me, tiny sounds, light, how every single part of my body feels. I was cutting boxes open with a knife and thought I bet stabbing myself in the leg would bring me back to being myself. I thought about it for probably 30 mins, then calmly put the knife down and walked away. Had I been unmedicated I would have likely just done it.

This I didn’t tell hubby about, I try to be completely honest with him about how I am feeling, but tend to hide instances where I think about hurting myself. I know I should share this, but I don’t want to have to go to the hospital. I’ve managed to avoid it so far over the years except for a couple of suicide attempts and would like to keep it that way. I need to be with my Boo, it keeps me grounded for the most part.

Damn I am tired.

Mania – Can I get an Amen

Mood = Normal? I am not sure what normal is really, so we’ll go with this.

Today I was thinking about my mania, it’s cause me a lot of problems and I am very lucky that it didn’t get me killed with all the risks that I took.  I could have been murdered or caught some deadly VD, but I didn’t. Not that making me feel like a slut and everyone hating me was wonderful but the consequences could have been much worse.

I do miss the way it made me feel. Confident and ready to take on the world. I’m a larger girl who lives in LA, it always make me feel horrible about myself whenever I see the skinny little women that are all over the place.. ugh. When I do have those even hypo-manic days though I feel a little better.

In my mania I bought a computer when I was 19, I couldn’t afford it but it was rent to own and my dad’s girl-friend had one, so I had to do one better. I did not like that woman. It lead me to some very positive things though. BBS’s not sure how many of you remember those? I was able to make friends though and not have to be anything other then me, because we had something in common and they didn’t know the old me.

I was introduced to MMORG’s and in one very large manic episode, met my now husband in one. I rarely left my house at the time and lived with an abusive husband, but this wonderful man I am married to, came to Canada to visit me and the next week I left my country, my family and all my possessions to come to the states to be with him. I have not had one regret about that, EVER.

So there are some really good sides to mania. I miss it, I admit it. Especially with all the depressive states that I get into. I long for the high. Then I remember all the bad things I had done when I was like that.

Sometimes it is good to remember the wonderful though. This illness does some crazy things to us, but it also makes us amazing.

Damn Mood Swings

I really would love, looove a day where my mood is my own. I am having such a rapid succession of different moods with no causes..  Depressed for a week, Happy and outgoing for a day and today I woke up pissed at the world.  Seriously how about a little hypomania.. I mean sure the last time I did that I filled two credit cards but at least I was happy about everything, the world was in bloom the sky was all shades of awesome and I didn’t feel like a fat ugly overaged woman..

I’ve tried every antidepressant there is and I’m getting tired. So tired. I am going to talk to my shrink about ECT, it seems like a good idea to me to be honest, specially if it works. It doesn’t help that she has misdiagnosed me as BP Nos, why my old one diagnosed with with BP1.. Even that is making me so pissed off I want to throw something through something else.

ARGGHHHHHHH! Why can’t I just WAKE UP HAPPY?!?!?

My life is good, a lot of people would consider themselves lucky, today I can’t find anything lucky about it.

Meh enough bitching, thanks for listening.

Art Splart

IMG_0048

So this is a painting I made, it took me about 2 weeks, kind of looks like a little kid did it. However I finally finished something which is honestly amazing. So I thought I would share!!

My mood is a little better today, hopefully that means I will be dropping my depression off at the devils door for a while and be able to enjoy life.

I’m sorry that my blogs are sometimes all over the place and don’t really go with the titles, I am kind of a train of thought person. hehe

This is all I am going to post today, I am gonna go and have lunch with my husband in the park, I want to sit on green grass for some reason.

Have a wonderful day!

Here’s the story.. of a lovely child

As far as I can remember my childhood was hell. My mom says I was a lovely sweet child with a great sense of humor that everyone loved. Then when I was 10 there was a man handing out candy that turned out to be some kind of drug.

After that I started striking out, sleep walking and my life just went to shit from there. No one knew what was wrong with me. I was in therapy for 6 years with my family. They tried really hard to work past it.  However the older I got the worse I got. By 12 I had already had lost my virginity and had had several lovers, both male and female I’d attempted to kill myself twice and I started taking LSD.

I would just randomly run away, I mean who impulsively walks 104 miles just because she doesn’t want to be where she is. I would meet strange men and go home with them. I felt like I was always searching for something.

I was beat up on a weekly basis by girls at school, molested by a boyfriends father and raped all before I was 15.  I was beaten up by a circle of kids in public school and the school removed me as to not have to lose a great deal of their grade 8 students.

I was placed in a school for kids with ‘special’ needs and was apparently locked in my room with no sheets and nothing on but underwear. I seemed to have blocked this of all things from my memory.

My mom eventually took me home because she didn’t like the way they treated me, but then at 15 I was pregnant and she was supportive and said I could stay with her. I think the only time I wasn’t manic or depressed was when I was pregnant. I was however a horrible mother, I was severely agoraphobic and couldn’t go to the store for food or take my daughter to school. She was eventually taken away from me. I don’t hate the system for doing it, she ended up in a foster home with a wonderful warm woman.

 

I think that is all for today, I want to reflect on this.

 

Ow my brain hurts..

Yesterday I woke up feeling cheerful and hopeful, I talked my husbands ear off! I am sure he was quietly in his mind going omg woman shut up lol.  The day before that I couldn’t even get out of bed, let alone talk.. I just wanted to sleep and forget the world around me, moving was a pain both mentally and physically.  Depression is crippling and it makes me miss the mania.. I missed almost a week of my antipsychotic and it completely threw my emotions for a loop. I highly advise that you never ever go off your meds without the assistance of your doctor.

It always seem like a good idea to stop taking what I think is a poison that fills my veins, but it keeps me from completely ruining my life and/or killing myself. Even now with being on the meds I don’t have that much control over my emotions. People say to meditate or some other Zen type thing, but you have a gazillion thoughts racing through your head it is pretty much impossible..

Hopefully they will figure out my meds enough that I can have some semblance of a normal life.. I look forward to that day very much!