Weed

Weed Keeps Me Unmovitated

Maybe it’s just the kind that i have but it really making me want to do nothing but nap. So nap I’m gonna do.

 

Going Off Pristiq

So far it has lead me to be nauseated and unable to sleep. My sleep last night was worst than normal. These hot flashes are killing me and than insomnia rears it’s ugly head. My husband even purchased a cooling mattress topper and pillow for me and I still wake up in pool of my own sweat several times a night. I suppose I am going to need to get some hormone replacement therapy if this keeps up.  I’m too tired to write honestly, I just want to get stoned and chill, so I will.

Horrible At Making Decisions

Last night I missed writing my blog because I was too stoned to give a shit.  Honestly I thought about it then just didn’t do it.

I thought that I had made the decision not to get anymore pot but when we were out tonight I had hubby get out the cash I needed for it anyhow. I even told him he was right and he didn’t try and talk me out of it, but then he treats me like an adult who can make her own decisions.

Tonight we went to downtown Gretna and walk around for a couple of hours catching pokemon and exploring. It’s nice down there and you can walk without thinking about it too much.

Also my shrink is taking me off the pristiq so we shall see if we get any side effects from that.

Because I Don’t Wanna

Not feeling the whole blog writing thing today. I’m not sure why I am really starting to worry now.

Though last night I had a guest and we smoked some weed and drank some beers. It was nice to have a conversation with someone other than hubby. Don’t get me wrong, I never get tired of listening to my husband, his voice is just so soothing and lifting.  It’s just nice to have a excited person to listen to.

Tonight I’m stoned again, tomorrow I will go back to not having any and I am okay with that. It’s not making me as motivated as I would like to be about going out. So maybe I’ll make it a super occasional thing instead of getting more myself, but we’ll see how I feel about it when I’m not stoned.

 

I’m A Bad Girl

I found some weed so I smoked it and I only hesitated for a second. It was a long second at least. I’m not sure how hubby will feel about it but I was having a bad day and now I feel better.

Just listening to some music and chilling out instead of just being kind of sad like.

I’m afraid.

I don’t want the depression to be coming back already. I’m hoping that it’s not and I’m just having emotions like people do. Maybe I had a sad dream or someething, I hope.

I’m not ready for the world to be grey again.

Day 2 Of Feeling Better

Like I said I hate to say I’m feeling good in case I’ll jinx it. Anyone who suffers from depression can understand that I think.

Tonight we went walking in a park for a while, it was quite lovely and the temps were starting to drop. I mean the heat that’s been going on has been leaving people trapped in air conditioned homes. It’s funny when 78 degrees is considered cool.

I’m hoping I get the nerve to go places where there are more people soon, but the fact that I have gotten out every day for the last three days is awesome. Once again proving my husband might possibly be right about the pot. I really hope he’s wrong and I’m just super lucky right now. That’s kind of stupid isn’t it? Kind of, actually completely fucking stupid. I’d rather smoke weed then be happy. I just miss how relaxed I felt and how it made the day pass faster. I’ll have to quit completely if he is right though. I know I am not a once in a while kind of girl. It’s called an addictive personality. Pot may not be addictive but I can’t seem to have it in my house without smoking it.

We’ll see what the next 2.5 weeks hold.

Afraid To Say It

When I woke up this… well when I woke up today I felt like the clouds had parted a little. I’m not happy by any means, but I laughed and smiled today.  I also have one hell of a temper today too though.  I’m feeling emotional. I guess that is better than down right?

I hope that it means this depressive cycle is finally ending, it’s really been going on rather long and I’m super tired.

Today is family dinner night and my mother in law and niece are over for tacos. I’m finding it hard to socialize though. I kind of just want to crawl into myself and listen to music for a while. I put my music on while I’m writing my blog so I can feel lighter.  Does that make sense? I have no idea anymore.

I walked to the mailbox which is halfway down the road, so that was my accomplishment for the day, though I suppose making dinner and socializing could count as accomplishments too.

The hardest thing about not having the weed is I’m having a hard time finding food I want to eat. I have to force myself to eat 350 calories at 10pm so that my Latuda works the way it is supposed to.  I just find food really unpleasant at the moment, well for the last several months.

I dragged the back of a butcher knife down my arm wishing that I could cut it just a little. I know it’s not healthy. I wouldn’t admit that anywhere but here though. I don’t need anyone worrying about me more than they are already worried. I promised hubby I would go to the hospital if things get worse so he doesn’t need to know about my little fantasy.

I think I’m going to be OK this cycle. Maybe I’ll get a nice little break and hubby will be right about the weed fucking me up more than helping. I promised him a month. That’s all he’s getting though if he’s wrong.

 

 

Still Blah

It takes me forever to get out of bed once I wake up. It’s so warm and comforting. When I finally did wake up I asked hubby if he wanted to go for a walk. Then away we went for a walk around the neighborhood. I at least accomplished something today if nothing else happens I gotta keep this in perspective.

I’m considering giving up the weed again. It’s tough because it gets me through a lot of stress but it really is messing with my antidepressants and honestly which is more important at the moment.  I’m tired of being sad, I should be filled with joy about my grandchild.

Well off to find something to do hopefully.

Dang Life

Missed posting yesterday I think. I went over to the MiL’s way earlier than planned and then stayed later.

I survived 3 days of being surrounded by people for hours. I’m still glad it’s over though. I never really felt comfortable any where. I spent a lot of my time on the front porch by myself getting stoned. It really helped me get through it. It may totally fuck up my depression but it helps with the anxiety. Wish I didn’t have to quit it eventually, but I know I do.

Weird Way

Today started off on a weird start. SIL stopped by and got me out of bed, then we proceeded to have a few beers. I don’t think I felt straight for longer than 10 mins this morning. I feel super weird now.

I’m just listening to music and smoking weed by myself now. Just kind of relaxing before next week when the father in law and a bunch of family come to town for the fourth of July.  I’m super stressed about it unless I am listening to music than I’m not thinking about it.

I’m in a pretty good mood over all, it’s a nice change.

Interaction always helps with my mood.