Bipolar

Happy Valentines Day

Today has been a most excellent day. My mood has been up and hubby was really romantic.

I recieved a beautiful ring along with breakfast in bed this morning. Then a few hour cuddle while we watched one of my favorite animes. Later we came downstairs and watched a zombie movie and then went shopping for appliances at Best Buy and grabbed some drive thru. After eating we went back upstairs and kept cuddling while we watched yet another anime. I even got a backrub.

We had planned on not celebrating so it was all a very nice surprise.

I hope you all had great days.

I think the pristiq might actually be helping.

I did find out that my MIL had my twitter account opened on her ipad. I hope that she doesn’t read my blog because I love her and I have bitched quite a bit about her on here to save therapy money.

I’m not going to worry about it for now, I am just going to enjoy the rest of my night with my hubby.

Mood Is Up A Little

My mood has picked up some. Enough that I was able to go out and see the house and enjoy it. It’s pretty much done and it was glorious to be able to lay on the carpeted floors and see all the shinies everywhere.

I’m feeling a little weird. I think it is because of a caffinated tylenol I took. I gave up caffiene several months ago and now it seems I am very sensitive to it. Maybe it is because of the pristiq, who knows.

I’m not gonna give it up because I am feeling weird. I am mildly hopeful that it is going to help me.

Anyhow off to watch some T.V. with hubby..

So Much Time Alone

Being alone really doesn’t give me a true gauge of my feelings. Being alone makes me feel sad. Being alone doesn’t allow me to talk to anyone.

I’m on day two of the pristiq I am still depressed as far as I can tell. I don’t expect anything to happen yet. I don’t think it is making things worse.

My psychiatrist says I am very sensitive to medications so usually if something bad is going to happen then it will happen rather quickly. The good also usually happens sooner rather then later as well. This is both a pain and a good thing I suppose.

Tonight I am alone longer then usual as hubby had to go to a work dinner. It seems we are spending less and less time together these days. It makes me sad and it makes me worry. He isn’t treating me any differently but I can’t help that my mind always looks for the worse in everything. I’m very black and white..

hopefully it is just the depression and it will pass. Fingers crossed for the pristiq.

 

A Little Better Today

I started my new med and I am in a little better mood today. I don’t think that one has to do anything with the other but I at least feel ok after taking the pills, not having too many adverse side-effects.

I’m starting to get a little antsy about being alone here. I want to be able to get out but hubby is working late today and I am not going to be able to get out today. In fact it looks like I won’t get out of here until Friday.

Ugh!

They apparently put the carpet in so they really only have the finishings to do in the house, 15 days until move in.

Least I get to go shopping for appliances this week, I do like shopping, it always gives me a wonderful high. It’s a trigger for hypo-mania. I don’t mind that at all.

Almost Didn’t Post

Almost forgot to post. How can someone who has been posting every day forget?

My brain is so filled with depression and stress that I am not thinking clearly.  I am worried about everything for the house going smoothly. 16 more days to go and I’ll be in my own home but my mind can’t help but think of all the things that could go wrong before then.

I went to my shrink today and she’s decided to add pristiq to my other meds, apparently it works really well with latuda so hopefully I will start to see a change for the better soon.

Today I ended up going back to bed and sleeping most of my day away, all I can hope for is to be more up tomorrow then today. I know it could get worse but I hope it doesn’t.

 

Why Depression, Why?

I awoke feeling sad and barely able to move. I managed to get out of bed but I’m fighting every single minute to not go back there and go to sleep.

I want to cry, I think I would if I had the energy to do it. I think I’ll take myself up on that nap.

Setting The Mood

Today I woke up anxious, sad and very angry.  Like punch someone in the face angry. I realised I was having a manic day after my one good mood day. Frustrating to say the least. I screamed and cried and fought the urge to hit someone and eventually it passed.  I tried to think of more positive things to bring myself to a better mood. It worked today anyhow.

At least until tonight when I was trying to watch the walking dead. The mood is set, the surround sound on and the lights turned off. You have to watch it wtihout questioning, you just let yourself sink into the show and lose it. I was doing just that when MIL starts questioning everything. It really took me out of the mood and ruined the rest of the show for me and as you know, it was an emotional night if you are watching.

2 weeks, 4 days to go….

Day Two In Dallas

Yesterday turned out pretty good.  I got to visit with my BFF and hug her. It felt so good to finally be so close to her. We talked for a couple hours and it felt so natural. I am not sure what I was so nervous about.

The rest of the time was pretty boring. Like today has been so fucking. I am not experiencing much difference than when I am in Omaha. Except I keep getting little jolts of anxiety and I’m kind of dreading the drive home. I still have a whole other day of this. I wish I was brave enough to go out by myself.

Being stuck in a hotel room for three days is not something I think I will do again. The next time hubby has a trip I think I’ll just stay home and be bored there. Sure I won’t get to sleep with him but I will feel more comfortable.

I have this feeling that something bad will happen constantly popping into my head. It’s so annoying. Hubby still won’t be back for another 3 hours. Plus I’ve been waking up earlier then I do at home which is making the day even longer.

If anyone has any suggestions of what a person stuck in a hotel room can do with herself, I’ll gladly take it into consideration, cause this just blows… Maybe I’ll get hubby to take me out tonight to at least get some fresh air.

How The Trip Goes So Far

I told you that we got here but I didn’t tell you what the drive was like. It was scary, then boring, then scary again.

Nebraska got hit by a snow storm and for some reason even though it was really the first snow of the year, they were not sanding or plowing the streets very well. It was pretty terrifying seeing all the cars that had flown off the road, even 16 wheeler’s were jackknifed in the middle separating the highways.

Kansas was not nearly as bad, there was some icky roads but you could tell from looking around they didn’t get hit as hard as Nebraska and they were taking much better care of their roads.

One we hit Oklahoma it was a lot easier.. No snow and the roads were dry. I still have yet to get used to the speed people drive though. We were really flying at around 70mph the whole time.

Once we hit Texas it was scary again as these people are nuts, bobbing and weaving their cars all over the place. I didn’t know if we would make it to our hotel without getting in an accident and luckily we made it here with no issues.

Friday we get to do it all in reverse. That should be interesting.

Not seeing the house this week will be hard but we are getting so close to being able to close, less then 4 weeks now!

My BFF is coming to visit me, I am writing this as I wait for her to come over, I’m nervous that I won’t be interesting enough. Even though we have shared everything over the years I am feeling a little shy. I am sure it will be okay, it’s Vanyla and Kitenn after all 😀

Mood is good!

In Dallas

Took us all damn day to get here but we arrived in Dallas. I’m really nervous about being alone in the room all day but I think I can handle it ok.

Not going to write much tonight but I will say since my doctor told me to stop taking the clonidine (sp?) that I am feel emotionally better. I’m not happy happy yet, but I’ve had no negative moodlets pop into my head.

Will write more tomorrow.