Depression

Later…

It’s been a couple of days since my ketamine treatment. I feel a little weird and anxious, yesterday was worse but I am also in a decently good mood.

I have severe social anxiety and agoraphobia. Today I walked around a grocery store by myself!!! I’m hoping this means I can get out even more. When I was there, I didn’t even have a panic attack. Remarkable.

My panic attacks are typically about breathing or not being able to breathe. So, I am having some small anxiety about the back of my throat. It’s a little irritated from the ketamine. Also, ketamine has to be one of the most foul-tasting things on the earth, lol.

We have been going out once a week on the weekends. Exposure therapy works. We like to go and hang at the casino and play the slots. Normally we would also have dinner but currently I have no teeth, thanks to my poor oral hygiene. That’s a story for another day though.

Third Session

This session was way better than number two. There still was a little dizziness when I closed my eyes, but the room wasn’t spinning. About halfway through I started smiling and really enjoying my music. I am not a person who can sit still. I think it’s because of my ADHD honestly, but I really wanted to dance.

I texted my husband and my mom to kind of keep myself in check.

Today I feel a little off kilter, but I jumped out of bed and turned my tunes on and started singing and dancing. I mean what’s up with that. I’ve basically been feeling little to nothing for the last 6 months. I hide it well because otherwise my husband wants to help and most of the time he can do nothing but give me cuddles and love. Though there is nothing wrong with that. His hugs are like heaven.

I don’t go back until Weds but if anything changes with me, I will come and tell y’all about it.

Second Dose

I was not feeling very well yesterday. Tummy and bottom problems. I knew I had to go get my treatment regardless so there I went.

At first it seemed like it was going to be like the other appointment, but it turned out to be very different.

They took my blood oxygen and blood pressure to make sure I could actually take my ketamine. Pretty normal for the course. I was a little high in my blood pressure due to the sick anxiety. It was low enough to take my doses though. The first time they gave me two doses, 2 in each nostril. This time it was 3 and the way that I felt was not great.

Have you ever been so drunk that you got the spins? Well, it was a lot like that. Not pleasant at all. It lasted into the night, maybe a little bit this morning as well. The dizziness not the “high”. I really don’t understand why someone would do this for pleasure. I’m hoping my appointment today goes a little better.

I’m not going to quit unless there is a medical reason to do so. I’m hoping all of this will be worth it in the end.

Til tommorow.

First Session

Thanks to my anxiety I arrived at my shrinks place nauseated and a little jittery. I should have taken a Xanax or something before I started but I know well enough for next time.

The actual session took a while to start because my blood pressure started off pretty high due to the anxiety. I did finally get down to a great blood pressure and I was given the ketamine in two doses. It didn’t burn my nose which I was expecting. The after taste was not great though. Luckily they had hard candies to suck on to get rid of it.

About 30 minutes in I felt a wave of warmth spread through my body and I felt happy listening to the music I bought. It was this really cute korean band. Stray kids. You should check them out. I might need to bring something more relaxing next time because I kept wanting to get up and dance. Maybe some disturbed for next one.

Afterwards I was fine, I little wobbly but we went out to the casino and by the time we got there. About 25 mins, I felt like myself.

I’m really looking forward to the next one. Being able to go off several of my meds would be amazing.

Another Day At Another Time

Right now, things are going pretty well. I’m still kind of really having problems writing my blog.

I’ve started doing exposure therapy to solve this damn agoraphobia. It’s not going to bad. I am most anxious when I am in the car. Nebraska drivers suck.

I’m really tired of not sleeping through the night. It happens about 5 days a week. I used to come upstairs in my recliner and pass out, but the chair broke so I have to buy a new one. We did buy a weighted blanket that promptly dropped 100’s of tiny beads all over the bed. I did sleep through the night though, so we are getting a new one.

Well, I’m going to go now. I’ll write again soon.

I’m back

I had a very very long depressive episode. Yes it lasted years. I went through many different meds and honestly thought that I would never be able to do anything again.

I’m now on some new meds which I will list for you at a post sometime in the future, but I am happy. Still housebound which I guess since I am in a pandemic is okay.

It’s weird being happy. I honestly don’t know what to do with it. I do have bad days and weeks still but they are no where near the levels they were before.

I am also having a lot of problems with sleep which I will also discuss in another post.

It’s nice to be back!

More Fourth of July

Here is a movie of some of the fireworks. I just don’t feel like posting 😦

My Best Friend Is Dying

AT the end of last week my best friends husband called me to tell me just how far down hill she had gotten. I was told she has two-three weeks to live peacefully at home. I was also told she was experiencing a lot of dementia because of the tumors on her brain.

I feel so much pain right now. I love this woman only second to my husband. She’s the one who always kicks my ass when I’m having a self pity party. She is the only person who calls me Kit. She has made the last 14 years of my love fun and showed me it was okay to care about people.

I’ve spent the last four days high as a kite trying to suppress my heart ache and grief.

Less than a month ago we were talking about her coming to visit me.

I’ve been working on a painting for her and it’s now impossible to paint, my mind has drawn a blank.

I hurt so much. I can’t even imagine how she or her husband feels.

She came on aim and told me she was going to miss me. I’m going to miss her more than I think she can even imagine.

I’m doing horribly at dealing with this and I know self medicating is not the best choice but it’s keeping me from becoming a fucking mess.

Dani, I love you more than you can ever possibly know.

Still Gloomy

I’m still experiencing the blues and now I am also scared to be alone.

There is a van driving around the neighborhood with a freezer on the back for several days. The housing association has been sending out emails warning people. It makes me nervous just being here by myself. I’m kind of stuck here doing nothing and letting my thoughts wander around in circles.

Can’t wait for 5:00pm to come along so hubby will be home and I’ll be able to relax and just worry about the roadtrip. I love roadtrips so the stress for that will be a lot less.

I would really like a happy day, it’s been over a week now.. dammit.

So Fucking Blech

I didn’t wake up until after 11:00am and I really didn’t wan to get up. I still don’t want to be up. I’m just getting dragged down into the pits of despair and don’t want to do anything at all.

I don’t even want to post this blog but there is not way in hell I am going to stop when I am 6 days from writing every day for a year.

Screw this depression.