Another Bad Day

Today is the year anniversary of my best friends death. She was the most amazing person. She always made me want to be another person. I miss her so much. So fucking much. I wish she was here to kick my ass. I only had one friend and now she is gone.

I woke up sad. The last couple of days I have been dragging my ass out of bed when I wake up after staying there for way longer than I should. I looked around my house and didn’t want to do a thing. I curled up on the couch and read Facebook.

I miss my weed right now. It makes me numb, instead I’ve been crying. I mean I have reasons and then the additional depression but I don’t want to feel sad feelings.

How can I be happy? It’s a valid question I have no answer to!

Horror

Yesterday I ended up feeling pretty good. I actually went out and did some shopping at the pet store and grocery store. I made the mistake after I came home to get drunk and now I again feel like shit with a lovely hangover and sense of anxiety. I don’t think I’ll do that again. I’ll stick to the weed when I am able to get it.

I want to be out in the world but people terrify me. Those poor people in Orlando who were shot to death just for being in the wrong spot at the wrong time. 50 people dead because it’s so easy for people to get their hands on weapons like guns 😦 I don’t want to be a statistic. It makes me even more frightened to leave the house.

Who would have thought a house in tornado alley would give me some sense of comfort.

In The 90’s

It so hot here right now it is in the 90’s going to hit over 100 with the humidex. ugh That means if I wanted to go out not gonna happen. I only like to go to outdoor things, I hate indoors I always feel so trapped.

Hubby is home which is good at least it gives me someone to talk to when I am wandering around trying to find something to do because I ran out of weed again.. sigh. Gonna be a long week.

I can feel that I am restless and today is going to be challenging for me to find things to do. I need to start showing an interest in more of the house work, that could kill 30 mins or so.

Just doesn’t feel like a hope filled day, hopefully that will change.

Hubbies Home

I’m finally back to normal with hubby at home. Now I just have to take advantage of it so I’m not gonna spend a lot of time typing.

 

Purposely Didn’t Write

My alarm went off and instead of hitting snooze or writing the blog I just shut it off. I was hanging with my sis in law, drinking and listening to tunes. I was relaxed and didn’t want to get out of the zone.

I almost didn’t write today but I certainly don’t need that to become a habit.

Today has been good, visited with sis in law a little today and mom in law is spending the night. Tomorrow hubby comes home.!! Yay!

I Hate Hubby Being Away

I don’t even have a shirt of his that has his scent because we washed all the laundry this weekend.

I’m sad and non-motivated to even write my blog today. Sorry.

First Day Without Hubby

So far it hasn’t been so bad, tonight when I go to bed alone will really give me the feeling of aloneness.

My MIL came and brought dinner and is staying the night, she is so awesome to be spending the nights with me hubby is gone. It’s scary here alone.

I’ve kept myself in a general state of numbness all day and plan to mix and repeat again tomorrow. I’ll get through this one day at a time.

I’m an adult and can handle this. Wish I felt more like an adult.

Just In A Bad Mood

I’m kind of grumpy though I am not letting hubby know that I am feeling that way because I don’t want him to feel guilty about going on his trip. This will be the longest time we’ve been apart since we’ve been together in the states. The bed will be cold and lonely.

Today I’ve just been sitting around him a lot and hugging the hell out of him whenever I can!

Other than that I am just not a happy camper, but I am trying to enjoy our last night together. So I won’t be writing here any longer today.

 

Stressed Out

I’ve been kind of blocking the fact that hubby is leaving Monday for 5 days. Today he brought it up and now I’ve been obsessing about it. I’m so glad my mom in law is coming to stay with me. I don’t know that I could do 4 whole days with no outer contact. I was trying to listen to music but it seemed like every song that came on had something to do with missing someone. I got teary and shut the music off.

The new weed is not that great. It makes me over eat and makes me just want to lounge. I prefer something that keeps my body moving.. ah well.

I’m gonna go spend time with hubby while I can.

Fridays and Weather

It’s always interesting when a storm comes through. Will it be a little rain? 100mph sheer winds? Tornado? Who really honestly knows when a cold front hits a warm front what will happen.

Today we just have some rain and just a little at that. Sometimes I just lay in tense terror waiting for something bad to happen.

Today I am feeling foggy, is it the weed, my allergies, the new meds.. who knows but my head is full of cotton. Hate that with a passion.

This Friday sucks cause it is the end of my hubbies vacation with me. After this weekend I have to go a full week without him 😦 I hate being separated from my love.