omaha

Always Thinking

I think way to much and my thoughts are always spinning like the tires of a car going 100 miles an hour.

Tonight I got to thinking about the new shrink I see on Tuesday and what they were going to do with me. I’m scared to be honest. They don’t know me from dick. I know what’s wrong with me, in fact I know I haven’t been completely diagnosed as I am 98% sure I also have borderline personality disorder.  I’ll need to start therapy for that, but it will wait until I get home.

I’ve become very self aware in the last 6 months. Understanding the things going on with me. Not just the bipolarity and depression. All the things that are really wrong with the way I think and the way I react. I am seldom positive. I am always filled with worries.

I thought when we found out we were going to back to Omaha I could stop stressing about that. Now we need to know the exact date and need to start getting things organized and until they are, I don’t know that I will feel calm. Even knowing those things I highly doubt will help at all. I’ll start worrying about the drive through the mountains and staying with my mom in law until we get a house.

I don’t know how to stop and enjoy the moment.  I might have an hour or two where my mind is focused on something like a movie and I’m fortunate enough that it draws me in. Other than that it’s always yapping at me about one thing or another.

The paranoia about my husband leaving me still comes frequently even though we have been together 13 years and he still is as affectionate if not more then he’s ever been. He is always looking after me. I don’t deserve him. He deserves so much better. I know if I don’t figure out a way to deal with these insecurities something bad will happen. I always expect that anyhow so I don’t think I would be all that surprised.

My mom said she would still come visit regardless of where I live just not as long. I understand this, but I have bet it won’t even be for a few years. Who wants to be in Omaha but me really?

I know hubby would be happy in California if we did things but I can’t grow here and he is willing to relocate for me.. When is he going to get selfish? Argghh. I hate my brain

Nothing Going On But The Rent

Seriously I hate the first of the month. Paying for rent in California could be two 300k home mortgages in Omaha. I always feel like it is throwing money away. Not like this apartment is amazing, there’s been construction going on for the better part of the three years we have lived here. Constant noise and men yelling.

When I have insomnia which I do now, you would think I would be able to get a little peaceful time to nap for an hour or two, but nope. jackhammers, drills and other noisy little tools grinding and purring and rumbling.

I don’t know how people can live in cities like New York where there is constant noise. I can’t even stand the noise of people talking in a restaurant if there is not music for me to focus on in the background.

My perfect home would be a little ranch with a small one horse barn and a corral for it to run in. The problem with that is that it seems these are the places that are often hit by tornados. Tornado season in Omaha is scary enough, so I will likely live in a neighborhood with lots of houses. Is it increasing my chances of not getting hit? It’s unlikely but I would at least feel safer.

And honestly I don’t mind the sound of the tornado alarms nearly as much as I hate living in this apartment.

 

I Don’t Like Mondays

I thought this very thought today, mid afternoon on a Sunday. Reminded me of the song from the 80’s. The only thing in common though is the hate of Mondays.

I get two full days a week with my husband and then the week starts all over again. Instead of enjoying the rest of our Sunday I started getting bummed out about the fact I would go for a full week sitting alone in the apartment, bored out of my head, likely still feeling crappy.

I tend to always be looking far along the line instead of just enjoying the moment. What a horrible way to spend ones life. I know this but yet I still can’t stop myself from doing it.

I remember when I was un-medicated and could often just go with the flow and be spontaneous. Course this also used to get me in a lot of trouble. I wish there could be an in between that would work for me.

I’ve have already been stressed since Weds. Hubby told me in the morning that the bosses had ok’d the Omaha move and then later when he came home said he had something to tell me he didn’t want me to worry about. The bosses wanted to contact him Monday with the specifics/details. I hate the company he works for and don’t trust them as far as I can spit. So I’ve been worried that they are going to find some way to screw him/thus me around.

I went from being excited to twitchy and tight. I feel like I’ve been working out.

I know that even if we do go back to Omaha I will be worried about something happening to one of us before then. Omaha has been the closest place I ever felt like was a home to me.. I don’t know why. I think it is probably because it’s the longest I stayed in one place. I keep having horrible things popping into my head.. The damn What If’s might literally be the figurative death of me.

So ya that’ll be my Monday, no damned fun.. Hopefully the specifics are good.

I Dont Want To Write

I’m crabby, I don’t feel like writing. My mom is leaving at 4am and I likely will not see her again if we do end up moving to Omaha, my husband doesn’t think it is true but why would anyone come visit Nebraska? Seriously for the corn?

The only really great thing I can say about it is that the Zoo is marvelous and I look forward to spending many a Sunday there. If we go that is. We both want to though, hubby is talking to his boss about it tomorrow. So we’ll know something then. It seems like it is something everyone else wants as well.

Having to stay with the mom in law for several months would be hard but we would have a good down payment for a house if he doesn’t lose to much of his salary. It will be nice to own a real home with a real yard. As opposed to what we could buy here.

I dunno.. I don’t have anything to say, but I promised myself I would write..

blech

Not Much Happening

Mood: Good, been a few little saddish moments but mostly good. Having trouble sleeping again!

Not a fan of birthdays but today was actually pretty nice. I had banners and balloons and cake, Plus Pressies which I love!!

I don’t normally celebrate birthdays in a normal fashion, actually I am usually just miserable.. Once again I have no idea why I just think it is one of those triggers.

Tomorrow I go to the doctors to hopefully get that referral. I’m nervous and excited.

Hubby and I talked some more about moving back to Nebraska, it really seems like a good idea right now. I hate to give up the gorgeous weather but I just think it would be awesome. I am hoping we know something by the time we go to Las Vegas in April, so we can hopefully give his mom the news of us coming back. I think that would make her day, on top of the wedding that is.

My poor yorkie is still feeling terrible, Poor girl. I love her to pieces and hate to see her feeling poorly. They are going to a dog hotel while we are gone, little buggers are getting better rooms than us! LOL They deserve it though.

Well thatis it for today I will let you know how things go with the doctor, I doubt it will be very eventful. Hopefully I can get hubby to take me to the forest afterwards!

OMG For Realz?

Mood: Out of Body? Is that a Mood?

I have been doing so much crying the past week that my stomach is upset constantly. I really thought that I had made a breakthrough.  It lasted all of 4 hours before my mom and I were arguing again. She basically told me sometimes I just need to “get over it”.. Seriously woman have you not heard a word I’ve said to you?

My husband absolutely doesn’t want my mom coming for 6 months now, he is worried about my state of mind and his peace of mind. I imagine it is stressful being with 2 women who are constantly fighting over the simplest things.

My mom often calls us girls by each others names, Last night I decided to tease her about it and she blew it all out of proportion. Stopped talking and then pulled the age card.   I have to admit I was upset by it, I have seen my mom 3 times in 13 years and I’m the oldest.. Remembering my name would be nice.

Hubby came home and told me that he might be able to make the same money if we moved back to Omaha, which would enable us to get a nice home and be close to his family. There’d be things to celebrate there would also we tornados. There would be Halloween but there would also be snow.  I love the weather here but in Omaha I am just another *big girl* and am more comfortable going out and doing things.

I am 100% certain my mom would not come to visit me for 6 months there though, as she is coming here to escape the weather.  Which both offends me and might be a little relieving.

My birthday is Monday and as opposed to doing things with my family. I am going to stay home. I don’t really need the stress of trying to keep people busy when it is my day.  Hubby and I are going to celebrate after they go home. It gives him time to get some work done and I get a wonderful day alone with my hubby. I did tease him about having to buy me two presents though *heh*

I love my mom, I love to hear her laugh but I wonder if we are too much alike and to different to live together.