pain

Ow

My head and mouth is killing me, I haven’t taken any Percocet because it makes me itch and I am pretty sure that is not a reaction I want to be having. I have been hmm and hawing it for the last few hours if I should change my mind and go for it. Needless to say this blog will be short. Hard to write when the head hurts.

met with the psychologist today and she was pretty nice. I’m gonna keep her for now and see how things go.   Gonna start once a week and I will also be seeing a shrink that is in the same office so I I’ll be hooked up. Can’t wait to start working on things.

anyhow gonna go to bed, head hurts to much!

Support?

I have always had the support of my loving husband and my BFF but I thought that would be the extent of it. I’ve had all failures with therapists and psychiatrists and even a good deal of medical doctors. Family is understanding unless it affects them personally. Which means rarely ever. I don’t have any friends, yes it does get really lonely.

I started to post on my blog. I did it  to keep track of my thoughts and moods so I could try and get a handle on what was happening, To find out if what I was feeling was real or my mind messing with me.

Seems like I do have some real feelings of my own. One of them that is fairly new is hope. Is that a feeling? Yes, because something strange has happened. By writing I have found a really remarkable support system. I didn’t expect it and am not 100% sure that I deserve it but I got it. It makes me want to try even harder.

Right now I am “almost” at the bottom of depression. It is an effort to even breathe. Everything hurts.  I just want to go back to bed and sleep until it passes and if you have been reading my blog that can takes months for me. Normally that is just what I would do.  I would shut everything down. I would just stop. Things have changed.

Even though it takes so much effort having a support system makes me want to try, it makes me want to challenge myself.

I set 4 simple goals (simple ha) to follow every day:

  1. Post on both my blogs
  2. Do Lumosity
  3. Go Out and take at least 1 picture
  4. Do something with packing.

I’ve managed to keep up with this. It’s hard, like really hard not to just curl up in a ball and wallow. Smiling is hard but I’ve managed a little one here and there. Moving is an effort but I drag one foot in front of the other. I am sure that I look like Frankenstein’s monster when doing so but I am moving. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. I am going to work hard to keep this up so I don’t let myself and the wonderful support system down.

Thank you for reading and for posting, it really means the world to me that you take time out of your lives to spend even a moment with me.

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget just how horrible this mental illness makes me feel.. I don’t mean mentally either. The pills alone cause cloudiness, stomach upset and I swear increase that feel of depersonalization.  They make my body confused as to when it is coming and when it is going.

That’s not the part I forget though, it’s the aches and pains that feel a lot like someone has kicked you over and over again after knocking you down. How lethargic yet sleepless you are at the same damn time. It’s so frustrating. I feel like complete shit. I thought I had a cold but I’m not so sure. I just want to go to bed and sleep forever. This morning I could have done it easily.

If the little girls room didn’t wake me up every few hours I would have probably slept 11hours straight through. I pulled myself out of bed with a lot of struggle, jumped into the shower to wake myself. It didn’t help much just woke me enough to start feeling the aches and pains..

Why, why why why.. does it have to be so shitty?

I dreamt of an abusive ex last night, he rarely shows up except when I am super duper stressed.. I wish I could relax..

We move back to Omaha in July, maybe things will get better before we go.. They can’t get much worse at this point..

Did I mention I feel like SHIT?!?!

Anxiety From Hell

Last night we were startled awake by an earthquake, it only lasted a few seconds upsetting the dogs and leaving hubby wondering why they were freaking out. Honestly the man can sleep through anything. I calmly said it’s just an earthquake and everyone went back to sleep. I got 2 hours last night, woot woot. (she says sarcastically)

This morning hubbies mom was wondering if we were ok, turns out there was a 4.7 several miles from here and it made the news. I don’t know why but it freaked me out and started one of the worst panic attacks I have had for a while. Of course I was also out of my clonazepam which didn’t help.

So I sat there for about an hour, heart racing, gasping breaths like they wouldn’t come fast enough and sweating like a football player. I am still kind of shaken about it to be honest. I just kept thinking OMG I am going to die and there will be no one here to save me. I have said in previous posts that I have a huge fear of death. I think most people fear it but I don’t know that they obsessively think about it the way I do. ( I am sure there are more like me though ).

Finally I took two antihistamines and fell asleep. I’ve only gotten about 6 hours in the last few days so it helped in two ways. I managed to get a couple hours in and got through the panic attack.

Anxiety has made me what I am today which is a shy person who is afraid to go out most of the time. I have been working on exposure therapy which has allowed me to move around my neighborhood as long as I follow the exact same path each time I go.

I was going to start working out today but I am sick with a cold or flu, not sure which just know I feel like someone has kicked the hell out of me. I have/had sarcoidosis so I am fairly pain tolerant but I imagine all the stress has just beat the shit out of my immune system. I suppose the one good thing about being around people is you don’t end up sick as often as I do. C’est La Vie.

I am going to make a promise to myself though. I will be giving up sugar, caffeine and grains moving forward. I need to start working on my physical health as well as my mental. I want to be a vibrant healthy crazy woman.

Even though the anxiety is coming back I am feeling emotionally better today, this and the lack of sleep seem to go hand in hand. I hope that I get a bit of hypomania to give me some energy.

Hopefully I don’t have anymore panic attacks before my script gets filled but sadly I think my brain will make it a self-fulfilling prophecy since I can’t get it out of my head.

Why Do We Suffer?

I have seen a lot of interesting things written by bipolars while roaming the web. I have had a lot of interesting things happen to me. Are they directly related to my bipolarity?

I have suffered not only from my illness but years of self hate and abuse. I allowed others to control me and hurt me, both physically and mentally. Possibly believing that I was not good enough for anything more.

Even now I don’t feel that I deserve to be happy. I don’t know if this is because my brain is broken or because of my own insecurities, maybe it is a bit of both.

It seems like this is quite common with bipolars. We not only suffer through our mental illness, we also tend to suffer in life. Does this make us stronger?  It doesn’t feel like it to me. Even though I was able to escape my abusers and meet a wonderful man with a good life, I still feel weak and pathetic.

I think about death constantly, not killing myself (though that does happen) but just the death of myself or my spouse or my family, always making plans in case something should happen. It terrifies me almost to the point of being paralyzed.  It is on my mind constantly. I don’t understand why.

Why can’t I just be happy and content instead of worrying about everything?  Why do I hate myself so much? Why must my brain torment me over and over again? I think I might need therapy to undo all the years of feeling like a piece of shit emotionally.

Even though I have been, battered, raped, emotionally abused, molested I still feel like I am the one that hurts me the most.