Today was a good day even though I am only going on about 3 hours sleep, if that. My mood was good though and we went out and got a third fur baby, a little 2.5 month old Havanese. We haven’t named her yet, she so cute and usually I come up with a name right away, but I think the lack of sleep is making that super difficult. I’m even having some problems typing. So this blog is going to be short.
So 1) No depression today
2) I went out!
Not too bad at all.
Today I woke up in a completely different place than I did yesterday. I laughed at something my husband said to me about 5 minutes after I woke up. It was nice, my husband is so awesome at making me laugh, sometimes even when I am at my darkest. When I am depressed he always asks if there is something he can do to help. Usually there isn’t but it’s so awesome that he wants me to feel better.
Last night I had a dream that I lived in a house with a group of people and all these other people kept coming over and touching my stuff, it was really pissing me off. Even touching the phone set me off on a rant. What a weird dream to have, I wonder what it means. I don’t have people over to my house very often. I used to have a weekly dinner with my sister in law and mother in law but I started shutting myself off when the depression got to be too much. I think I need to start having them over again.
Today I think I’ll have another relaxing Sunday where I just sit and listen to music for a couple/few hours. Music is really a part of me, even if I don’t play an instrument. Even when I’m depressed I sometimes listen to music so I can zone out and forget about how I’m feeling. Isn’t it wonderful to have something so simple be so helpful?
Well off to listen to some tunes, hope you have a wonderful day.
I felt it coming last night, it was lurking in the background of my mind. When I woke up this morning I was super depressed. I feel like crawling back into bed and just staying there. It feels like I’ve never been happy. I know it was okay just a day ago but it doesn’t make me feel any better.
I don’t even feel like posting my blog, but I made a promise and I don’t break my word, ever.
So here’s my post, I’m going to crawl under a blanket and watch Golden Girls.
See ya later.
As an edit, I had a nap and woke up feeling slightly better. I don’t know why but I’m grateful, I was stuck in a horrible place feeling like I couldn’t get out.
It’s so weird waking up multiple days in a row and feeling ok. I’m happy with okay, it’s better than depression any day.
Today I woke up listened to my favorite song (it’s not my time by 3 doors down) and thought about how much I love animals. This Christmas I donated to both the ASPCA and the Nebraska Humane Society. I’d like to do more but we’re not rich. If I was though I would be helping a lot more animals protection agencies. So I lay in bed daydreaming about animals being safe from the cruelty of the world. It made me feel good that I have helped some. I would love to adopt another dog if they allowed us to own 3 in our county. I love my two fur babies so much!
It was my moms birthday today and I had a long conversation with her where I actually talked some instead of just say yeah, mm yeah.. Which is what I tend to do when I am depressed. That makes me feel well, happy I suppose would be the word. Though I hate to jinx myself.
Anyhow that’s what I have to say for today.
Today I woke up on the almost right side of the bed. I wanted to engage in activities and didn’t nap. I had a wonderful conversation with my husband and was able to participate instead of just yeahing when he said something. Like I said a better day. I hope that my brain continues to go into that direction.
Sadly I can’t think of a thing to write about though. My brain is drawing a blank. Don’t you hate that?
I’ll write more later if something pops in my head.
I hate it when I cycle down to depression. It’s not fair I don’t get the hypo mania anymore. I don’t get the mania mania either, which is a good thing. Feels like I’m not bipolar but just depressed now. I wonder if that can happen. I’ll have to talk to my shrink about it, but I don’t see her for another two weeks.
My husband thinks he has a way to get my rexulti approved, apparently some of the meds I have taken weren’t listed and also you have to show that the rexulti has been taken for a while and is working. It has been I know I’m going to be having ups and downs but I do want more ups then downs and it seemed like it was going that way. I hate the depression it makes me feel quite hopeless. I’m going to keep to my new years resolutions regardless though. I can’t let Dani down.
I can’t let myself down either. I got to keep trucking on.
Daily bog written.
I hate it that I feel like my pills are making a difference when today I feel like my world is collapsing. No reason for it but I sure feel like it’s been lasting forever. I hate that one day can drag me down so much. I did manage to cook breakfast and I am hoping like hell to have a shower today but I just feel like curling up and crying. There is only one problem, I haven’t been able to cry over anything in a couple of years it feel like. I could be slightly off, but I don’t know. A good cry would sure make me feel better I’m sure. Time to watch something that usually makes me cry. Maybe some animated Beauty and the Beast or maybe Iron Giant. I don’t know.. Maybe I should just run into the wall a bunch of times.
I hate the depression so much it just sucks the life out of me. If it wasn’t for my promise to Dani I don’t think that I would be even posting my blog.
Blah.
The new insurance company is giving us a hassle about the Rexulti I take and to pay for it out of pocket would be 900 dollars a month. This mixture of meds that my doc has me on is finally working, I don’t want to have to change it. I’m so pissed off right now. I’m down to 3 pills and I’m waiting for my shrink to get back to me about samples or getting the meds approved. I hate waiting and especially when things are this close to being out. I don’t know what the withdrawal symptoms will be but I know just going off a med it a bad idea. We’ve all done it.
Other than that stress my mood is pretty good. I haven’t been smoking any weed and just living each day. I haven’t quit I just wanted to make sure that I am getting the most of of my medications. In Feb I’ll start smoking again and see if that effects how my mood is. If it turns out to be a bad thing I’ll just quit. I mean I managed to make it through the holidays without weed or alcohol so I imagine I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Though there is nothing like smoking some weed putting on the headphones and just chilling. I tried it without the weed and it was still good but I enjoy it more with.
Anyhow that’s it for today!
Today I went to see my shrink and she increased my pristiq because it seems to be helping some. I’m getting a little more involved in things and am looking forward to doing more.
Did I mention I love my shrink. We have so much in common, it feels like visiting a friend. She explained to me while I am emotionally shut off from people right now. Apparently when you are in a depressive state for a long time you put up all sorts of walls and when you start coming out of that depression sometimes it is still hard to drop those walls and be vulnerable. I agree with her. I’ve blocked out feelings for so long, not even allowing myself to cry at a sad moment. Now it’s hard for me to laugh out loud or cry or any other emotion. I’m working on it though.
I’m glad I have such a good doctor. I’m thankful for her. Do you have a shrink or doctor you like a great deal?
Tonight I went to Target with my husband and walked around the whole store. I even asked someone for assistance. Not a big deal for most but for me it’s a huge one!
I haven’t been out really except for a few walks with my husband so this was a pretty big deal. I think no I know that I shocked him when I agreed to go.
My mood has been up and down and I’m still having a hard time finding things I enjoy doing but I’m going to keep trying.
I imagine that my shrink will be increasing my pristiq when I go see her and hopefully it will help.
One step at a time right?
A Bipolars Reality 