stress

World of Warcraft, Can it Help?

My husband and I met through a mmorpg (mass mulitplayer online roleplaying game). We’ve always enjoyed playing them together so much that we played WoW for 7 years before we quit and went to other games. I never really thought I would return as I had burned out on how mean people can be to one another. Plus really you just spent hours trying to accomplish virtual goods.

We started playing again a few days ago and I am trying to enjoy it as a new player. I am trying to cope with my depression and the distraction when hubby is at work is greatly needed. I just have to much time to think when I am alone. Those of you who have depression of any kind know that sometimes it is just bad to sit and think.

I usually have a very hard time interacting with anything when I am feeling this way. The fact that my ex-shrink keeps lying about filling my clonazepam script is not helping. My anxiety is through the roof in addition to just feel physically horrible.

I’m on the greater side of suckiness right now. I keep waiting for those highs and since taking my meds properly every day I just feel worse. If it weren’t for the side effects of quitting cold turkey I would just give them up. April 6th can’t happen soon enough. However now I am also anxious about it. I had hoped I had gotten past this, apparently not.. sigh.

Still Alive, guess that’s something.

Can I Get A Woot Woot!!

So I went to the doctor to get a referral for a shrink and the dude gives me a number to call. I never mentioned the things that I want to do to fix my situation just that I needed one for my bipolar 1. I thank him and head home and wait a couple of hours to call. Not really sure why. I was nervous. I am not looking forward to the experimentation that goes with trying to get to more common feelings.

I finally did call the number and it was to a ECT place, not a shrink.. I laughed my ass off after she told me and got forwarded to the actual psychiatrists. I got in the mood disorder specialist, I however told the receptionist that would she just want to give me the ECT I would consider this all solved.

Not been a great day other than that. My husband and I were supposed to have the day alone. My mom and sister decided they were not going to go to Disneyland today and then later on hmm and hawed enough that I asked hubby to take them there so they could leave the car seat in the car. Took him two hours to get there and 1 hour to get back. I am starting to worry that I am just too damn nice at the expense of myself. I have hardly seen my husband since mom came and then we ended up only having a couple of hours to run some errands before he had to head back out the door.

I am so frustrated.. I need a joint.. My muscles are all sore, not sure if it is the stress or the cold that I have, either way I feel like shit and would like to be able to relax and zone out for a while. What a girl to do though..

OMG For Realz?

Mood: Out of Body? Is that a Mood?

I have been doing so much crying the past week that my stomach is upset constantly. I really thought that I had made a breakthrough. It lasted all of 4 hours before my mom and I were arguing again. She basically told me sometimes I just need to “get over it”.. Seriously woman have you not heard a word I’ve said to you?

My husband absolutely doesn’t want my mom coming for 6 months now, he is worried about my state of mind and his peace of mind. I imagine it is stressful being with 2 women who are constantly fighting over the simplest things.

My mom often calls us girls by each others names, Last night I decided to tease her about it and she blew it all out of proportion. Stopped talking and then pulled the age card. I have to admit I was upset by it, I have seen my mom 3 times in 13 years and I’m the oldest.. Remembering my name would be nice.

Hubby came home and told me that he might be able to make the same money if we moved back to Omaha, which would enable us to get a nice home and be close to his family. There’d be things to celebrate there would also we tornados. There would be Halloween but there would also be snow. I love the weather here but in Omaha I am just another *big girl* and am more comfortable going out and doing things.

I am 100% certain my mom would not come to visit me for 6 months there though, as she is coming here to escape the weather. Which both offends me and might be a little relieving.

My birthday is Monday and as opposed to doing things with my family. I am going to stay home. I don’t really need the stress of trying to keep people busy when it is my day. Hubby and I are going to celebrate after they go home. It gives him time to get some work done and I get a wonderful day alone with my hubby. I did tease him about having to buy me two presents though *heh*

I love my mom, I love to hear her laugh but I wonder if we are too much alike and to different to live together.

Why Bipolars Kill Themselves

Do you know why I think that bipolars kill themselves?

I think it is because they can’t get the help they need. There seem to be very few *shrinks* who don’t charge cash or are just so overbooked that they don’t take new patients.. Why are doctors so fucking greedy!!!! Even the mood disorder clinic here doesn’t take new patients if you are not already a part of their health thingy. Which I don’t even understand at all.

I had to give up my old shrink, she misdiagnosed me, charged me cash and I had to wait a month between visits. Trying to find a new one is appearing impossible. I am so stressed out, no shrink, my mom coming, my dogs pancreatis (sp?)is acting up.. FUCCKKKKKKKKKKK!

I’m not suicidal just frustrated at the moment and I am going to get totally drunk and forget about this shit.. I don’t normally drink but today seems like a good day to start..

I Am Slowly Going Crazy

Mood: Stressed!

Goodbye depression, hello hypomania. I am seriously cycling way to damn fast. I would like to get off the ride of my emotions and just throw up some normal, ya know?

I am sitting here at my computer so restless. Everything that I normally enjoy holds no interest to me. I am so fidgety. I try something for 5 minutes then I need to move on to something else.

I had nightmares all night because I am so stressed my mom is coming. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom to pieces but she actually likes to do things and enjoys a clean home. My sister and my niece (9months old) are coming as well so I have to consciously think about everything that is on the floor. They are going to be here Saturday. *fidget*

I tried cleaning and then I get overwhelmed at least I am getting a room done at a time but then I need to move on to something else. I keep thinking that I have found something that will hold my interest but nope. *fidget* I suppose writing at least holds some interest for me, especially since I promised myself to post at least once a day. I don’t want to write to far ahead though because I don’t want to get stuck on a day when I am supposed to be writing.

Everything is just so much work lately. Even getting out of bed. I rarely even bother to get dressed or even brush my hair unless it is to go for my nightly walk, then I typically just wear some baggy unattractive clothes so I can just get the heck out of here.. Hmm maybe that is what I’ll do go for a walk that will kill 30 minutes and make the puppies happy. I wish I was at a point that I could go out by myself cause I will need to drag hubby away from the game he is enjoying, grrr. *fidget*

In the past hour, I have read some blogs, some support boards, tried several games, tried to watch TV, tried to clean.. Most days are like this, I can’t focus on anything. When I am manic I can focus but that is really the only time. I wish it wasn’t so destructive it really is quite useful when it happens. *fidget fidget*

Well I think I will go for that walk, maybe the fresh air will settle me enough so I can concentrate on one thing for a while instead of bouncing.. I feel like one of those super rubber balls that just never stop..

Panic Attack!

Mood : Silly and Stressed

The is a song by a band called Dream Theatre. I thought whoever wrote them had it pretty spot on, for me anyhow.

All wound up
On the edge
Terrified

Sleep disturbed
Restless mind
Petrified

Bouts of fear
Permeate
All I see

Heightening
Nervousness
Threatens me

I am paralyzed
So afraid to die

Caught off guard
Warning signs
Never show

Tension strikes
Choking me
Worries grow

Why do I feel so numb
Is it something to do with where I come from
Should this be fight or flight
I don’t know why I’m constantly so uptight

Rapid heartbeat pounding through my chest
Agitated body in distress
I feel like I’m in danger
Daily life is strangled by my stress

A stifling surge
Shooting through all my veins
Extreme apprehension
Suddenly I’m insane

Lost all hope for redemption
A grave situation desperate at best

Why do I feel so numb
Is it something to do with where I come from
Should this be fight or flight
I don’t know why I’m constantly reeling

Helpless hysteria
A false sense of urgency
Trapped in my phobia
Possessed by anxiety

Run
Try to hide
Overwhelmed by this complex delirium

Helpless hysteria
A false sense of urgency
Trapped in my phobia
Possessed by anxiety

Run
Try to hide
Overwhelmed by this complex delirium

My official diagnosis is.. Bipolar, With Social Anxiety and Agoraphobia. I remember the first time that I had a panic attack I thought I was about to die. I couldn’t breathe the air around me was so thick , I felt like my head was in a box and my heart pounded. My body reacted by making me incredibly nauseated and other disgusting things I won’t mention. Let’s say going anywhere for any period of time more than 15 mins was completely out.

I used to probably get about 15-20 a day and they always seemed like that would last forever, in fact it felt like I was never recovering from them at all. I never learned how to deal with them until the last couple years and for some reason regardless of how crappy my meds are working on my depression and mania my panic attacks have lessened in frequency and length. I still have to pop a clonazepam every day but I take it usually as a preventive measure as opposed to during the attack. This might just be a psychological thing for me, either way it makes me feel better about my exposure therapy.

I think now more than before I have the fear of having a panic attack before trying new things. Which means walks outside are as I have said a great accomplishment for me.

My mother is going to be here next Saturday and I am starting to get really stressed out which means lucid dreams, waking up with panic attacks and feeling like I’m buzzing, like when you have way to much caffeine. Even though this is a good thing, I know I will have to push myself to entertain them. Which usually ends up with weeks of recovery afterward. Which I will barely get before my mother in laws wedding.

My mother in law is having a wedding in Vegas sometime coming up in April and I need to go to that, it is going to be horrific. Yes negative thinking I know. However she really doesn’t understand me all that well and I am not 100% sure she really wants to. She is also the one person my husband has a hard time standing up to, though it has gotten better over the years. She originally hated me and now thinks I am a wonderful daughter-in-law but she likes to pretend mental illness doesn’t exist. She herself had a huge depressive episode when her kids were younger and couldn’t even more out of the bed, you would think it would make her more understanding, but not so much.

I am dreading it, though I do love the interaction with other people at least for short periods of time and under my own limits and control. If I want to leave I can normally. The wedding I think I can handle. It’s the stuff after that is going to be incredibly stressful for me. I am hoping after talking to my shrink that my treatment will be along far enough that the bipolar part of me keeps it’s ugly head under control. So do you have or know someone that just isn’t willing to understand any of your illness’s? I know a lot of people have the whole get over it attitude but it you had cancer you should as hell wouldn’t be telling someone that very same thing. .. Anyhow this post got way longer than I intended. Listen to the song if you don’t mind a little heavier rock I think you’ll enjoy it!