Month: February 2014

This is a dream I had.

There was a young girl named Tuesday whose mother was gone for long periods of time. She was very lonely as her father was always at work or out with his friends.

One day her  mother brought her home a purple teddy bear with a pink bow to keep her company and keep her safe.

The girl was thrilled and the bear made a wonderful friend! It protected her from the monsters in the closet and under the bed. It played with her when she was lonely and loved her like only a mother could. It did such a wonderful job in fact that she never noticed that her mom had never come home again after that day.

As she grew up she took the bear with her everywhere. It was even packed to take with her as she left for college.

When she got to her dorm room, she unpacked everything and realized the bear was gone. She searched frantically trying to find it but all she could find was a boring brown bear.  She called home to ask her father if he had seen it and he slurring told her that he had thrown it away.

She cried and cried, horrified to have lost the only friend she had ever had.

She walked through the halls of school looking frightened and sad a mere shadow of the happy girl that she used to be. She started noticing things around her, the people scared her and often she felt like at any moment she was going to die her heart pounding so hard in her chest she thought it would pop through.

The brown bear was no substitution and she always felt ill at ease in it’s presence.  Even though her father had given it to her as a replacement it didn’t hold the love and protection her purple bear had. It made her mind ask a question she never thought to ask before.

Where was her mother?

She called her father and he mumbled that he didn’t know,  that she had disappeared years ago.

She started to see the monsters everywhere again. Threatening her, teasing her always making her feel unsafe.

She called family and the police but no one knew where her mother had gone.

She couldn’t handle school anymore so she returned home. Tuesday could see things with clear eyes, her drunken father, the house barely standing, filled with garbage and 100’s of bottles of all various kinds and shapes.

She searched every room in the house trying to find some hint of where her mother had gone and couldn’t even find a picture.

She realized there was one room she hadn’t checked and as she rushed to the door she realized it was locked and that for some reason it frightened her very badly.  She asked her father for the key but he said he had lost it before he fell asleep in a drunken stupor.

She sat in the floor in frustration, tears forming in her eyes when she saw her purple teddy in her minds eye. It gave her the idea to pick the lock since it was one of those old skeleton types that were so easy to open.

She took some bobby pins and poked and prodded until *click* the door creaked open. She sat for a moment catching her breath as her heart started to pound, her mouth got bitter as she could feel the bile building up in her throat. Then she stood up, tucked her chin and slowly walked up the stairs to the attic.

The room was bright, as the sun streamed through the windows. In the corner was a colorful chest and on top of it was her purple bear! She squealed with glee and pick it up hugging it to her chest and humming a happy song. The bear dragged her towards the chest and she ran forward her fingers pressing the buttons on the front.

It sprang open her throat catching a scream as her eyes caught the skeleton. The skeleton of someone she knew. She recognized the locket around it’s neck. This was her mother and held in her mothers arms was a purple bear with a pink bow just like the one she was given many years ago….

Hallucinations.. Fun.. Not!

Sorry I didn’t write yesterday I was trying to live a somewhat normal life and fight down a huge pile of anger that was building in me. Seems about right, weeks of depression, a couple days of happiness possible hypomania, anger then repeat? That’s usually the way it is anyhow. I can’t tell today.

I am exhausted. Last night I couldn’t sleep, no idea why, I was pretty good the few days before it. I of course got over tired and then at 6-7am I decided to take some Benadryl to help me sleep. As I lay in med waiting for it to hopefully assist me, I started seeing colors and tentacles and dozing to sleep paralysis , mixing and repeating until probably about 8-8:30 where I finally fell into REM sleep, I never got past it.. I feel like a zombie.

It’s funny how the colors, the tentacle and the monsters peeking around the corner only phase me enough in the state, to sleep with my back against my husbands so I got both sides guarded. The sleep paralysis though I don’t know that I will ever get used to it.

I suppose since it is occurring more and more often I will need to do some sort of sleep test, how does one with social anxiety who frequently has insomnia sleep in a room where they are hooked up to wires and being watched? Can’t see that happening

I’m suppose I will just nap when I came because this sleeplessness can go on for days and days. Sweeter Dreams to all.

People and Places

Being around people if very difficult for me so when I have to do so for a period of time my husband is always proud of me. the encouragement does me good.

I went to the dog park and there were other people there with dogs, which of course is one of the best ways to have a conversation because you can talk about your dogs. I managed to stay there for about 45 mins with no panic attack which trust me is a huge leap.

I can’t wait until I can start doing more normal things. I’m very fortunate to have someone who has put up with my illness all these years.

ocassionally I smile

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Today has been a better day then the last few weeks, I am not feeling hopeless or sad, in fact I might even say I feel hopeful. I decided to approach my shrink about the ECT on my appointment and I hope she will go for it. At this point it seems like the best option for me. If not I will just find someone who is willing to do it.

Thank you whoever reads this, it keeps me accountable and makes me want to post each day. That also helps me keep track of my moods. I’ll post more on ECT and maybe some links tomorrow but today I am going out into the sun and enjoy what is left of the afternoon! 🙂

Damn Mood Swings

I really would love, looove a day where my mood is my own. I am having such a rapid succession of different moods with no causes..  Depressed for a week, Happy and outgoing for a day and today I woke up pissed at the world.  Seriously how about a little hypomania.. I mean sure the last time I did that I filled two credit cards but at least I was happy about everything, the world was in bloom the sky was all shades of awesome and I didn’t feel like a fat ugly overaged woman..

I’ve tried every antidepressant there is and I’m getting tired. So tired. I am going to talk to my shrink about ECT, it seems like a good idea to me to be honest, specially if it works. It doesn’t help that she has misdiagnosed me as BP Nos, why my old one diagnosed with with BP1.. Even that is making me so pissed off I want to throw something through something else.

ARGGHHHHHHH! Why can’t I just WAKE UP HAPPY?!?!?

My life is good, a lot of people would consider themselves lucky, today I can’t find anything lucky about it.

Meh enough bitching, thanks for listening.

Art Splart

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So this is a painting I made, it took me about 2 weeks, kind of looks like a little kid did it. However I finally finished something which is honestly amazing. So I thought I would share!!

My mood is a little better today, hopefully that means I will be dropping my depression off at the devils door for a while and be able to enjoy life.

I’m sorry that my blogs are sometimes all over the place and don’t really go with the titles, I am kind of a train of thought person. hehe

This is all I am going to post today, I am gonna go and have lunch with my husband in the park, I want to sit on green grass for some reason.

Have a wonderful day!

Support Groups Depress Me

I’ve been reading a few bipolar support groups and honestly with how bad my depression is right now they just make me sad. The mania of the un-medicated people. The people who have virtually no depression.  the people considering suicide.. The spouses of the bipolars’ who are at their wits end. I don’t know how my husband puts up with me.  I can barely handle myself.

Going on 13 years together and sometimes I feel like the relationship is new and I am shy and fearful that he will leave me or cheat on me because he can get the emotional or physical support that he needs.  I wish I could just keep it to myself and let it eat me up inside instead of voicing my concerns to him.

My pills make it so that I don’t have much of a interest in sex, I am working on getting some medical marijuana since it brings it back and it doesn’t seem to mess my meds up, (which don’t seem to be doing much anyhow)

Right now though I am pretty depressed, not ready to kill myself depressed but lethargic and unable to find joy in anything. I am only posting today because I promised myself that I would force myself to do this, hoping it would be cathartic .. is it I don’t know.

I need to get my meds changed again, I’ve tried every antidepressant on the market, I thought I had finally found the one but it doesn’t seem to be working. I gets so tiring. I am so tired.. I just want to be normal and do normal things. Go out and walk in the sun, go to visit museums, theme parks, movies, dinners, feel the bare grass beneath my feet..  Ugh I think I am done for today this has gotten to sad……

Here’s the story.. of a lovely child

As far as I can remember my childhood was hell. My mom says I was a lovely sweet child with a great sense of humor that everyone loved. Then when I was 10 there was a man handing out candy that turned out to be some kind of drug.

After that I started striking out, sleep walking and my life just went to shit from there. No one knew what was wrong with me. I was in therapy for 6 years with my family. They tried really hard to work past it.  However the older I got the worse I got. By 12 I had already had lost my virginity and had had several lovers, both male and female I’d attempted to kill myself twice and I started taking LSD.

I would just randomly run away, I mean who impulsively walks 104 miles just because she doesn’t want to be where she is. I would meet strange men and go home with them. I felt like I was always searching for something.

I was beat up on a weekly basis by girls at school, molested by a boyfriends father and raped all before I was 15.  I was beaten up by a circle of kids in public school and the school removed me as to not have to lose a great deal of their grade 8 students.

I was placed in a school for kids with ‘special’ needs and was apparently locked in my room with no sheets and nothing on but underwear. I seemed to have blocked this of all things from my memory.

My mom eventually took me home because she didn’t like the way they treated me, but then at 15 I was pregnant and she was supportive and said I could stay with her. I think the only time I wasn’t manic or depressed was when I was pregnant. I was however a horrible mother, I was severely agoraphobic and couldn’t go to the store for food or take my daughter to school. She was eventually taken away from me. I don’t hate the system for doing it, she ended up in a foster home with a wonderful warm woman.

 

I think that is all for today, I want to reflect on this.

 

Sleep where art thou

Last night I got a whole 3 hours sleep. 4 the night before. Isn’t it interesting when you are slightly manic that you need no sleep? I adore sleep though, my dreams are so wonderful. A side effect of my meds also give me insomnia. Staying up till all hours while my husband is tucked snoring away frustrates the heck out of me.  I’ve tried sleep aids, Ambien was the absolute worse, it gave me sleep paralysis. I had never heard of it and wish I had never experienced it.  So utterly terrifying not be able to move or speak at all. I think the Ambien glitched something in my brain because when I get exhausted it still happens.

In my dreams I can do anything. I am working on accomplishing that in Real Life but after being housebound for the better part of 20ish years the steps are slow. Taking the dogs to around the block is a huge undertaking and makes me very proud of myself.  I want to be able to go out and eat and play.. One of my main goals is to go to Disneyland.

I live in California and it’s like 30 mins away! The one bad thing about California at least in the area I live in, there are tons of skinny young woman. I’m going to be 45 this year and am overweight and feel so self conscious, it makes it harder for me to go out.  I just picture them making fun of me. I suppose that would make me vain to think they would care but I can’t help it. Anyhow I think I blathered on enough today!

Damn Dogs!!

It is an amazing how much a 9 pound yorkie can mess my mood up. she has taken to biting when we try to move her away from something specially when there is food involved. While this is showing me that she has no respect for my authority it also hurts my feelings which is ridiculous. I think I might have to give her away because I don’t have the capability for getting her training and she needs to learn how to behave ..

Maybe they have in home training.

Either way she took what was a good mood day for me down to a sad day.. My emotions are far to fragile.. damn dog…