Ali I am sitting here at the hospital waiting for my appt and it’s already gone an hour over. They are really behind. I am lucky my husband is here to keep me distracted or else I would be going postal.
I feel bad when I laugh at something he says or does or even smiles, everyone looks so miserable here. I know right this moment is not bad for me but most of the time it is. They don’t know that though.
I dunno how long I’ll be waiting but t least I came. I’ll try to let you know how it goes.
Today I went to lunch and shopping unmedicated to do something I enjoyed while I was having anxiety. It went ok I’m still living and I didn’t run away which is something. Every single thing I do unmedicated is an an achievement.
My gerd is really bugging me and it is giving me some stress but I am not going to let it get to me. I’m gonna take a pill and move on. Eating is becoming just unejoysble. I guess that I one way to lose weight.
I’ll let you know now it goes tomorrow if I go..
Thank you to everyone who has been so kind and supportive. I really don’t know what to do Keith kindness but the blogosphere is full of such warm and compassionate people. I expected to hear nothing but how disappointed they were and only heard that from one person.
My BFF did not hold back in telling me that I had disappointed myself and sadly her a little.
For some reason she thinks I am super woman. She’s maded me promise to call her be next time I am stuggling so she can kick my ass and help me through it.
I admit I felt hurt and beaten up at the end of our talk. Yet this is how we are with one another, when everyone else is being kind, we are honest. I think that’s what makes us beat friends.
I’ve rescheduled for Monday afternoon. Let’s hope I make it this time. I hate to get my as reamed out again..
I’m still anxious but hopefully I can start getting my life back into living it…
I sent myself into such a tithes with anxiety last night I ended up unable to sleep and throwing up. Around four am I cancelled my procedure and asked for a reschedule. I feel like am I a failure who let people down.
I’ve been backsliding the past couple of weeks. I haven’t been going out as much and my anxiety is back up. Like way back up. I know I need to do this for my own good. The depression will kill me.
I have no idea why I am so anxious. I do know I am filled with a lot of self hart red right now.
I’ve stopped going to my therapy sessions and now this. What am I going to do?
Its 10:14pm and i should be heading to bed but i am just a little to stressed to sleep quite yet. I added a countdown to my first ECT appt and you’ll be able to see when it starts for me. I wish I could film the whole thing for everyone to see. I wonder if they would let me, cant hurt to ask right? I could get hubs or a nurse to record it.
Eh we’ll see. I’m gonna chill and watch some Sherlock Holmes then head to bed, see you sometime tomorrow, hopefully
In addition to being bipolar and a bunch of other psychiatric things I have GERD which is not fun. I was a very bad girl and stopped taking care of it which I think has been most of the reason for all my stomach issues of late. So I am back to trying to get that shut under control.
I didn’t go out today in fact in the last week I have only gone out twice, I need to fix that shit. I don’t want to be homebound again. I have to be so careful about that.
I did cancel my therapist appt this week but I will make some in the future after my stomach settles and the ECT is underway. I am not gonna punish myself too much for backing out, things are just really stressful.
I still can’t believe that I am starting my ECT the day after tomorrow.. Do exciting and scary..
The doctor doesn’t want me taking clonazepam before my treatments so I didn’t take any today. It was hard but I managed to go to the grocery store unmedicated.
Mostly I felt disassociated. You know that wonderful sense of unreality. It get worse as my depression gets worse and I fucking hate it. Feels like I am tripping balls when I am on nothing at all. I have to constantly ask someone if they are seeing or hearing what I am.
The depression is pretty bad right now. I suppose that should be a good thing since they are going to be treating me for it. I’ll get a true gauge of improvement.
I’m tired, I’m sore, I’m paranoid, I’m withdrawn and I’m hopefully going to get fix. That’s going to keep me going for now.
I missed my last therapy session even though I love my therapist, this week I am thinking of skipping again, it just seems to require so much energy and I don’t feel like putting on a face for my mom in law.
Maybe next week.
I went and got my EKG and my blood work and I get my first ECT session on Friday, then every Monday, weds, Friday until it does what it is supposed to do, likely 6-12 sessions, then maintenance if it works. I’m thrilled and terrified but looking forward to it.
I do have some kind of stomach bug which is making it hard for me to do any real writing, I apologize for the shortness of my blog.
Woot though
I’m really too tired to come up with a great blog post. I go to my ECT consultation tomorrow and I am nervous and excited.
The weekend was nice the first night we slept close to 10 hours, last night I barely got 4 though.. There was thunder storms and I was terrified.
Anyhow off to bed, will be more writey tomorrow.
This is just incredible. I had originally just started posting to post. I had only planned on doing one post a week but I decided it wasn’t good enough. I needed to post more.
Now here I am 200 posts later and I’m actually thrilled to have kept up with something this long. I hope this speaks to the way that I will be once my depression is decreased. I think it shows that I have the ability to do anything I put my mind too.
I have to remember that when I seek out other goals.
So yay for me!
A Bipolars Reality 