Anxiety

Later…

It’s been a couple of days since my ketamine treatment. I feel a little weird and anxious, yesterday was worse but I am also in a decently good mood.

I have severe social anxiety and agoraphobia. Today I walked around a grocery store by myself!!! I’m hoping this means I can get out even more. When I was there, I didn’t even have a panic attack. Remarkable.

My panic attacks are typically about breathing or not being able to breathe. So, I am having some small anxiety about the back of my throat. It’s a little irritated from the ketamine. Also, ketamine has to be one of the most foul-tasting things on the earth, lol.

We have been going out once a week on the weekends. Exposure therapy works. We like to go and hang at the casino and play the slots. Normally we would also have dinner but currently I have no teeth, thanks to my poor oral hygiene. That’s a story for another day though.

Third Session

This session was way better than number two. There still was a little dizziness when I closed my eyes, but the room wasn’t spinning. About halfway through I started smiling and really enjoying my music. I am not a person who can sit still. I think it’s because of my ADHD honestly, but I really wanted to dance.

I texted my husband and my mom to kind of keep myself in check.

Today I feel a little off kilter, but I jumped out of bed and turned my tunes on and started singing and dancing. I mean what’s up with that. I’ve basically been feeling little to nothing for the last 6 months. I hide it well because otherwise my husband wants to help and most of the time he can do nothing but give me cuddles and love. Though there is nothing wrong with that. His hugs are like heaven.

I don’t go back until Weds but if anything changes with me, I will come and tell y’all about it.

Second Dose

I was not feeling very well yesterday. Tummy and bottom problems. I knew I had to go get my treatment regardless so there I went.

At first it seemed like it was going to be like the other appointment, but it turned out to be very different.

They took my blood oxygen and blood pressure to make sure I could actually take my ketamine. Pretty normal for the course. I was a little high in my blood pressure due to the sick anxiety. It was low enough to take my doses though. The first time they gave me two doses, 2 in each nostril. This time it was 3 and the way that I felt was not great.

Have you ever been so drunk that you got the spins? Well, it was a lot like that. Not pleasant at all. It lasted into the night, maybe a little bit this morning as well. The dizziness not the “high”. I really don’t understand why someone would do this for pleasure. I’m hoping my appointment today goes a little better.

I’m not going to quit unless there is a medical reason to do so. I’m hoping all of this will be worth it in the end.

Til tommorow.

First Session

Thanks to my anxiety I arrived at my shrinks place nauseated and a little jittery. I should have taken a Xanax or something before I started but I know well enough for next time.

The actual session took a while to start because my blood pressure started off pretty high due to the anxiety. I did finally get down to a great blood pressure and I was given the ketamine in two doses. It didn’t burn my nose which I was expecting. The after taste was not great though. Luckily they had hard candies to suck on to get rid of it.

About 30 minutes in I felt a wave of warmth spread through my body and I felt happy listening to the music I bought. It was this really cute korean band. Stray kids. You should check them out. I might need to bring something more relaxing next time because I kept wanting to get up and dance. Maybe some disturbed for next one.

Afterwards I was fine, I little wobbly but we went out to the casino and by the time we got there. About 25 mins, I felt like myself.

I’m really looking forward to the next one. Being able to go off several of my meds would be amazing.

Doing Some Exposure Therapy

Last weekend I did a lot of stuff that I didn’t think I could never do again. Went to a family get together, went to the casino and I went to the opening of our YMCA. We also went out to dinner which was nice. Then I got sick and haven’t really done anything this week.

I asked hubby if he wanted to go on a date this weekend. I am planning on going to Dave and Busters because we have such good memories and I think it would be a fun thing to do.

I don’t know how often I’ll be blogging. I suppose it depends on my moods. Feels good to write again though.

Another Day At Another Time

Right now, things are going pretty well. I’m still kind of really having problems writing my blog.

I’ve started doing exposure therapy to solve this damn agoraphobia. It’s not going to bad. I am most anxious when I am in the car. Nebraska drivers suck.

I’m really tired of not sleeping through the night. It happens about 5 days a week. I used to come upstairs in my recliner and pass out, but the chair broke so I have to buy a new one. We did buy a weighted blanket that promptly dropped 100’s of tiny beads all over the bed. I did sleep through the night though, so we are getting a new one.

Well, I’m going to go now. I’ll write again soon.

The Stress IS Getting To Me

I just keep worrying about everything. Tomorrow it is supposed to snow .5 to 2 inches and we have bald tires on the car and the next day we need to close on the house and it’s making my stomach hurt thinking about something messing up.

Originally I was just concerned about my social anxiety but now everrything has become a stressor. We’ve had everything set to be delivered in an orderly fashion. We’ve had things set to be set up as long as everything goes according to plan. One dominoe could fuck up the entire thing. UGH.

Why does my brain have to be like this? My husband is so flipping calm. I don’t know how he can be but he just doesn’t stress like me and it drives me bloody bananas.

Just one more day to go and hopefully everything will go ok. If it does I won’t be posting for a couple of days but I think that is a good enough reason to miss posting.

More Whatif’s

I’m supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to be thrilled that we are closing in 3 days. I’m supposed to finally be able to relax.

I’m so stressed out. The whatif’s are killing me. What if we can’t get to the closing? What if we don’t find out what the check we are supposed to bring is? What if there is bad weather and it messes everything up?

That and a whole bunch more sillier smaller things that are just constantly keeping my mind in constant rotation. It won’t fucking shut up, it’s just thrumming with whatif’s.

It’s made today a not so great day.

I forced myself to go out for dinner though even though I want to curl up in fetal postition and hide. I have to keep pushing myself.

Maybe tomorrow will be calmer but tonight I am going to seek out my husbands arms and let him hold me until I sleep or cry/

Day 3 In Dallas

I got to see my BFF again and it was absolutely wonderful to be able to hug her and tell her I love her. I can’t wait to see her again, it’s the only thing that made this trip worth it to be perfectly honest.

I’m highly stressed right now about travelling home. I can’t wait to leave in the morning but the traffic here is frightening. Plus there may be snow and ice when we hit Nebraska again. That makes my tummy hurt big time.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be writing this saying I got home safe and sound. For now I am going to try and relax and mentally prepare for the trip home and being able to sleep tonight.

I did go out to dinner tonight so I did accomplish something at least…

A Year and Two Days

Well since I’ve been writing for a full year and two days. I plan to keep writing every day this year as well. I hope that I can get up two years. I might miss a day or two when I move but I hope to find wifi I can hook into to at least post something.

My mood today is anxious. I haven’t been able to completely relax and I can feel that I could easily lose my temper. I’m what I like to call itchy, not quite bitchy but the itch is there. I don’t want to do things I don’t want do. I don’t want to be told my opinions don’t matter. I don’t want to listen to what other people have to say. I know these things will bring out the capital B.

I’m trying to keep my temper. I am trying to remain calm.

I’m not feeling great physically. I’m not feeling great emotionally. I am anxious about our trip. I’m anxious about feeling bad and I feel like all my nerves are on edge. I hate this feeling.

Maybe it will be better tomorrow.. maybe..