Bipolar

More Outside Time

Tonight I went and explored our downtown whilst hunting pokemon. It was nice to get out. It’s a really small town so it’s this super cute older looking downtown. Got me out walking and I caught some brand new pokemon I haven’t caught yet.

My mood has been good today. I hate saying that so much. It makes me worry about the depression that will rear it’s ugly head at some point instead of just enjoying myself. I worry about worrying I worry so much. Is’t that quite the sentence.

I almost missed writing my blog. almost.. I made it though.

 

I Did More Stuff

Today I went out of the house to catch pokemon and get some keys made at a store. I apparently really needed to get out of the house because when hubby suggested it I jumped on that train. hehe.

Going into the store to get keys made was actually my idea and I took a picture of us outside for my Facebook.

I’m also showing an interest in all the things I have been DVRing for months.

I’m still not physically feeling great but I got to ignore it which was nice for a while.

Maybe I am coming out of my depression, maybe hubby was right. I so hope not, I hate telling him he’s right. I like being right lol.

I Did Stuff

I actually feel physically crappy but I managed to do the dishes and laundry. I can never tell where I am emotionally when my body is being a dick.

I am also really damn fidgety it’s hard to just relax you know?

Is it mania? possibly .. I have am definitely experiencing a  lot of emotions.  I bawled my ass off today after watching some videos. I had a real reason to cry but I rarely do so it came as a shock, which just made me sob all the harder. I think it was cathartic though.

I really am missing my family right now. Especially my daughter and grandson. I wonder if I’ll ever get to meet him face to face and it hurts to think that I may not because of my stupid fears.

Being afraid all the time is so taxing.

Waiting For Fall

Today I just want to say that I can’t wait for Autumn. I love the crisp air, the earthy smells and Halloween. It’s still a couple months away but I get excited thinking about it.

Right now it’s so damn hot you can’t leave your house for a walk. I can’t collect pokemon. So I’m feeling trapped. If I don’t leave my house that should be my choice, not the weathers.. dammit.

What I forgot to report is last Saturday we went out to my MiL and went out on the boat and had a BBQ and I was pretty good on the anxiety front. It helps when the people you are surrounded with make you feel loved.  I relaxed some so I guess it is possible for me to leave my anxious state. Now if I can just channel that.

It’s the weekend so I will at least stop being so lonely for a couple of days.

Unmotivated

I woke up today and I don’t know how I feel other than  very unmotivated and fidgety . I can’t sit still long enough to get into any TV shows and I have no motivation to do anything that requires movement.

I also do not feel like writing my blog today.  I don’t feel like doing anything.

My brain is all wrapped up in all the negative things going on in America right now. I’m feeling afraid and lost. All I keep thinking is that we are so fucking screwed.

However I am realizing as I write this listening to music, that the music is doing something wonderful. It’s distracting my brain. Enough that I can breathe a little. Really makes me miss my weed though. Nothing is better than getting stoned and just laying back listening to some upbeat dance music (or whatever you like).  It’s so wonderful feeling. The music is good on it’s own of course, I love music.

It actually makes me want to start moving my tushy and dance around as opposed to sitting here and doing this.. So I am going to go and dance while I am in the mood to do something. *shakes booty*

 

Afraid To Say It

When I woke up this… well when I woke up today I felt like the clouds had parted a little. I’m not happy by any means, but I laughed and smiled today.  I also have one hell of a temper today too though.  I’m feeling emotional. I guess that is better than down right?

I hope that it means this depressive cycle is finally ending, it’s really been going on rather long and I’m super tired.

Today is family dinner night and my mother in law and niece are over for tacos. I’m finding it hard to socialize though. I kind of just want to crawl into myself and listen to music for a while. I put my music on while I’m writing my blog so I can feel lighter.  Does that make sense? I have no idea anymore.

I walked to the mailbox which is halfway down the road, so that was my accomplishment for the day, though I suppose making dinner and socializing could count as accomplishments too.

The hardest thing about not having the weed is I’m having a hard time finding food I want to eat. I have to force myself to eat 350 calories at 10pm so that my Latuda works the way it is supposed to.  I just find food really unpleasant at the moment, well for the last several months.

I dragged the back of a butcher knife down my arm wishing that I could cut it just a little. I know it’s not healthy. I wouldn’t admit that anywhere but here though. I don’t need anyone worrying about me more than they are already worried. I promised hubby I would go to the hospital if things get worse so he doesn’t need to know about my little fantasy.

I think I’m going to be OK this cycle. Maybe I’ll get a nice little break and hubby will be right about the weed fucking me up more than helping. I promised him a month. That’s all he’s getting though if he’s wrong.

 

 

Things Are Hard Right Now

I’m very depressed. I miss my family very much. My SiL doesn’t have time for me right now because she is too busy dating. I completely understand but miss our weekly hang outs.

I haven’t been smoking any weed which makes everything feel so much harder. I like to be numb. I like to experience laughter. You know good things.

I’ve had a lot of feelings about hurting myself.  I just want the depression to end. I would like to have some focus in my life. I’m so very tired.

My husband is concerned for me and has been staying home. He doesn’t know where my brain has been going. He fears for me when I am this depressed though. He is a good kind man. So I will not hurt myself and if I can’t fight the feelings I will ask for help.

I wish I could describe this.  it’s so painful. My brain can’t focus very well right now either though.

Probably The Worst

This is probably the worst depression I’ve had in a long time and I’m so tired of putting on a happy face so no one else worries.

I can’t find anything positive. If you ask me what’s wrong, I couldn’t tell you other than I’m depressed. I just feel like curling up into a ball and staying that way forever.

 

GOing

I decided to download pokemon go on my phone to try and get out a little more. I don’t know if it will help but hubby and I are going to his mom’s Saturday and hopefully I’ll catch one or two.

I’m still quite depressed and don’t feel like doing much.

More Fourth of July

Here is a movie of some of the fireworks. I just don’t feel like posting 😦