In Our Hotel Room

We’ve been in the hotel room for a few hours after a lunch of indian food, which I normally love but has allowed me to spend more time in the washroom of our hotel room then in the actual room!

You’d think it would be romantic but instead I am feeling troubled and just putting on a happy face so that hubby doesnt think that I am not enjoying our time together. Part of it is my sore throat, makes it hard to talk for any amount of time. The other part is well honestly I have no flipping clue and hope to figure it out fast as we only have 2 nights together and I do so love spending time with hubby.

We are supposed to go to dinner tomorrow night at the place we first had our wedding dinner, I am hoping I dont chicken out about it. I’ve been known to do that from time to time.

I just hope that we can find something to do together.  We enjoy every single day together why should celebrating be so damn hard. Honestly sometimes I hate my brain.

Bad and Good News

Today we got some new that can be taken either good or bad. My mother in law has decided not to purchase the house. I’m sad that she won’t be living next door but I am slightly relieved because I am not going to be stressing out over whether or not the dominoes will land perfectly for her to get the house and not lose the money she would put down at her contract signing.

I was just talking to my therapist yesterday about it and she said not to worry as it was not my fault if things didn’t work out. Yet it has been worrying at my brain since she started the whole she-bang. Needless to say I feel like an anvil has been lifted from my shoulders.

I feel bad that I feel relieved but honestly at some point I need to stop worrying and stop feeling bad and just be damned happy. I deserve to be happy.

This will make enjoying this celebratory weekend all that much better. Woot!

Hope Is Possible

In my mind I have been afraid to hope. I’ve been terrified of everything. Death was always lurking behind the door and it was frightening to live.

I’m actually starting to feel hopeful about my life. My husband and I are having our 13 year anniversary. Instead of worry about something going wrong to make it not happen. I am looking forward to it.

Christmas has always been such a hard time for me but I am feeling whimsical and hopeful about enjoying all the glitter and shine. The closeness of family and just being with my husband and enjoying our life together.

Last night we almost got hit by a truck turning in front of us and instead of it freaking me out and dwelling on it, I just moved forward and realize there are a ton of bad drivers here and my husband is a good driver. It makes me feel warm and safe.

So I guess for the first time I am able to feel hopeful and happy without worrying about every single thing that happens.

 

Dang Almost Forgot

Usually this time of night my blog pops into my head and I write it. Yet tonight I am tired and almost went to bed without writing in my blog.

My cold is now mostly just a sore throat. Yesterday I went to the minute clinic and had my throat checked for strep. The 5 minute test said nope. So I just have to wait for it to pass. They said 4-5 days I might need some antibiotics but my nose is clearing up all on its own. Gross right? lol

Today was pretty uneventful. I shaved my dog and slept a lot. Tomorrow I see my therapist and shrink. I am wondering if I should increase my Latuda. I’ve had depression but it doesn’t last as long. I am rapid cycling, but that is the norm and I am remaining mostly active.

There were more things done when we went out to visit the house. They will be doing the electric and plumbing soon. It’s all very exciting. I will post pictures on Saturday. Now I’m off to bed.

What I Miss

Today it is freezing and there is some cheesy snow. You know the kind that doesn’t really seem to be from the sky but is on the ground non-the-less. So I thought that I would post some nice sunny pictures from California to show that even though I hated living there, there was still beauty to be had. Then I realized all my gorgeous sunny photos are locked up in storage jail on my primary computer.

It’s made me wish for my things yet again.  One day I will have one computer with my photography and Photoshop and illustrator on and one for all my games and things and they will be in my presence.

When we are in our home I will be able to sit down and write my book. I have a hard time just sitting on my laptop and focusing on my story(ies). I want to be able to sit in a comfortable computer chair and listen to music blaring full blast and just throw out my words until my fingers tire.

I had stopped creating when I was unmedicated and now I want to create something almost every day and I’m unable to really get into things because this is not my home and I can’t create the way that I really want to.

I miss being able to be slightly manic and write little novelettes and poems because there is no place to sit and listen to the voices in my minds eye tell me stories.

I’ll be posting more than my feelings next year, it will be all of me. Sometime in January I will hit a full year of posting and next year I want to do the same thing only bigger, better..  I guess we shall see.

 

300th Post

Some days I wrote more than one post but 300 posts is pretty amazing to me. I have never been able to stick to anything this long and the fact that I might actually make a full year of doing something just strikes me as odd. I’m glad that it was writing though. It’s my favorite thing to do. I’ve done it forever and I hope one day to do it on a more professional level. Let’s see what a full year of writing holds.

Today I was listening to one of my favorite comedians Maria Bamford. She is funny and bipolar 2. She shows me that bipolars can be successful. I know there are actors and stuff but I relate to her more.  In fact when one particular actress came out as Bipolar I felt anger. I’ve since gotten over it and am happy that people in the limelight shed more light on our illness.

We went out to the house and they have all of our windows in! I can’t believe how fast things are moving along now. It’s great to see movement each day. It makes me able to enjoy the little light of hope that is in my heart.

Sunday is my 13th wedding anniversary. I can’t believe that someone has stuck with me this long! Life is truely a mystery,

Good day all in all, not so moody and my cold is getting better (I think).

Agitated and Annoyed

Everything is pissing me off. I am super annoyed at almost everyone. (cept hubby) I just am an angry, grumpy, pissy sick person. Some of the agitation is got good reason but is made worse by me feeling off.

I love painting and the fact that I have to move it off the table for 2 wholes months for two meals just pisses me off. The table has gotten used more by me then anyone. Taking it away from me is kind of mean. It was suggested that I could go down into the creepy basement to paint.. ugh no, did I mention that the basement is creepy.

Apparently that has been simmering below the surface. I feel like I am living in a damn foster home where I can only really do anything in my room. Everywhere else I need to maintain a calmness that is not there and I need to not do anything fun.

Needless to say that I am annoyed. ANNOYED.

Anyhow that is my life right now.

So Much, So Little

We went into the house tonight and the entire outer frame was done, you could see where everything is going to go. I took tons of pictures, it’s really exciting seeing how close the house is. I mean it still won’t be ready until February. Actually having the house actually seeing some action makes it more bearable.

Today my cold also felt a little better. I got some napping done. Other than that I got nothing done. I mean there isn’t much for me to do anyhow. Yet doing nothing makes me feel guilty.

I can’t paint in the dining room again until after thanksgiving and probably Christmas. It sucks. Jim says we can set something up in the bedroom for me. I hope so, not being able to paint for 2 months will suck.

Emotionally I’ve been stable. That’s a positive at least!

House stuff

I’m still sick off my butt so tonight you can see some pictures of the amount of work that has been done this week on my house. Enjoy!

I’m So Whiney

I just have a cold. Sure I feel like complete shit but people have so many worse problems. They don’t whine as much as I’ve been whining.

All I did today was lay around doing nothing and feeling like poop. Nothing even write worthy. Yet I promised I would write every day. So I apologize in advance for the fluff piece.