alone

Not Really Me Right Now

Right now I feel like I am looking through a window cut into my skull, facing outside.  I hate the feeling. It’s like walking in a haze around you constantly. I would think this is the anxiety.  However I had a knock-down can’t breath panic attack this morning.  Hubby leaving me right now is hard. I am not mentally stable at all.

I am afraid of everything. I have abandonment issues.. These things are pretty normal. I thought that I was getting better but the stress and watching myself has taken over again. At this point right now I am honestly just kind of numb. I haven’t been out for 2 days. I am going out today, regardless of how shitty I feel.

I haven’t been getting past my REM cycle sleeping, I won’t even have the assurance of my husband laying beside me if the sleep paralysis comes.  I wonder if I am ever going to be self reliant at all. I certainly don’t seem like I am.

My husband said something to me yesterday which was, you’re a grown woman you are going to be 45 in a few days. To which I said to him, I may seem like a grown woman but inside I always feel like a 15 year girl.  Always.. it’s weird.  Everything is weird.  Why is everything so damned weird.

I’m just not me, I don’t even know who me is. I feel like I am never gonna find me. That time will stop for me before I figure out anything. I am just keeping hope that getting a new shrink and doctor will start bringing me back into my own space. Can help control my moods and maybe let me like myself..

Who knows, it’s only over when you stop trying right?

Why I Need To Learn Patience

I woke up today kind of sad.. dunno why. As the day went on and I had more alcohol I realized that I am not nor ever was my moms favorite.

She treats me great but this morning she went out with my sister for two and a half hours. They have their cute little inside jokes and I kind of feel like an outsider.  Looks and giggles. Just made me sad and uncomfortable. I know I have been gone for 13 years but it just seems so weird, I don’t remember ever feeling that comfortable with mom. last two visits she was here we just spent most of the time stoned.

Don’t Judge it helps with the depression.

A little while ago mom was asking where the closest beach was and then said to my sister..  Jo we can walk to the beach tomorrow.. Not ‘we’ but we as in her and Jo. I know I shouldn’t feel sad or jealous. However my mom was more easy going when she had my youngest sisters. They are about 20 years my junior, different dad, etc.

I need to learn to be more patient with my mom. I suppose I could be forthright with her but I don’t think that would go over well..

Blech

Why Bipolars Kill Themselves

Do you know why I think that bipolars kill themselves?

I think it is because they can’t get the help they need. There seem to be very few *shrinks* who don’t charge cash or are just so overbooked that they don’t take new patients.. Why are doctors so fucking greedy!!!!  Even the mood disorder clinic here doesn’t take new patients if you are not already a part of their health thingy. Which I don’t even understand at all.

I had to give up my old shrink, she misdiagnosed me, charged me cash and I had to wait a month between visits. Trying to find a new one is appearing impossible. I am so stressed out, no shrink, my mom coming, my dogs pancreatis (sp?)is acting up.. FUCCKKKKKKKKKKK!

I’m not suicidal just frustrated at the moment and I am going to get totally drunk and forget about this shit.. I don’t normally drink but today seems like a good day to start..

Paranoia

Mood: All over the place 😦

When my husband and I got together I had little trust of anyone. Even to this day I only trust him and after being together 13 years it’s still shaky. Has he ever done anything that could make me distrust him.  Not that I am aware of. We agreed to certain rules in our relationship to make me feel more secure. No opposite sex friendships. I personally don’t think these are possible anyhow, but that is just my opinion. No one on one lunches with females, even from work. No watching porn without me and when he goes out of town he still needs to be in contact with me. Typically we Skype. He has managed to do all these things but one over the course of our relationship.

The one he failed at was watching porn. The fact that he had done it wasn’t that shocking, it was the fact that he hadn’t told me about it. I don’t think it meant all that much to him. He left the damn thing up on his Ipad that I will usually play with throughout the day, maybe it was an admission of guilt. I have no idea. I just know at that time I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach, my heart hurt, my brain tried to figure out the why of it.  As the thought of this still bugs me probably over a year from that day, I can’t help but wonder how I would feel if it had of been an affair. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be around to write this.

This brings me to my most prevalent paranoia. The one that at times has me checking my husbands IM’s, emails, physical mail, CC’s, etc. I think I am a little spy and only feel content when I have completely worn myself down. He never hides these things from me and always makes sure I know the passwords. This however doesn’t make me feel better, it often makes me feel worse. I wonder what secret things he has put aside that I don’t know about.  It’s easy to be sneaky in this day and age.. Luckily this is not with me every day and usually coincides with my depression. I wonder what the trigger is.. There’s always something isn’t there.

The other big paranoia I have is of people judging me and some might not even call it paranoia, but it keeps me from living a full and healthy life. I think every person who walks or looks at me is talking about me. When they laugh it is because they are making fun of me. When they smile at me it is with distaste or pity.  I’m told that people don’t really take that time to look at people. I look very closely at people. I think they think of all the hateful hurtful things that I think of myself. I want to curl up in a ball and hide in a closet. This never seems to get easier. It only doesn’t bother me when I am manic and that’s cause then I think I am awesome… ha wish I was my manic self all the time.  Seriously

I have other smalls ones that pop their heads up when I get too little sleep or having an off day. The things in the shadows that will come and get me. I still never hang a hand or foot off the bed at night. Most nights I have to have a light on because I know if it is dark that’s when whatever I am fearful of will be waiting.. No idea what it is, but I know it’s there.  I even will sleep with my back pressed against my husbands so that both sides of the bed are protected. (he never knows this happens cause he honestly sleeps so deep he would be dead before he woke up) I’m the protector.. hehe.

These are the kinds of things I am paranoid about. Some might say it’s fear, but I know the difference.

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I’m Falling Apart

Last night when I tried to go to sleep I ended up paralyzed on my back trying to scream for my husband in absolute terror.  Of course he never heard a thing because you can’t even whisper let alone scream. I don’t even know why it happened, I thought I had gotten enough sleep.

Today I had a major breakdown.  I just sobbed and sobbed trying to remember who I was. I just don’t feel like me.  I am just in that little bubble watching my mind tear itself a part trying to figure out a way to fix everything.  At this moment I feel hopeless and just want to take some sleeping meds and then sleep until I feel better.  Whenever that is going to happen.

My cycles are so radical I can never tell. I just know when I feel good I hope it lasts forever and it quickly lets me down.

Those damn men were yelling and cheering and annoying the shit out of me again today, it made me actually get up and scream shut of the fuck up out my window.. Not once but three times. I tried contacting the office here, no one answered.. I tried writing an email and that email bounced back with a I’m not here right now call the office.

Honestly the last thing I need when I am like this is sound. I hate the way people sound when they are en mass. I can barely tolerate it when I am up and even then I have to have music in the background so I can focus. I wanted to cut a bitch. Seriously though.. I just breathed and lay back down and sat there for a couple hours doing nothing, just staring off into space. Waiting for my husband to get home and save me with a little levity and contact.  I feel numb and cold and spacey.. I imagine this is very much what a porcelain doll feels, fragile and empty.

He’s gonna end up leaving me, I am such a strain on his life..

He’s on his way home and wanted to know what I wanted to eat, baby carrots.. that’s it. I have all of a sudden gotten this distaste for meat, well for most anything but meat most especially, It’s been going on for over a week now and seems to be getting worse. Which is bad cause our freezer is packed with meat thanks to his mothers need to send it for gifts for every occasion.  blech

How bad is bad? I’m afraid I don’t know. I just know that each time I go into the pit of hell, it gets darker and more painful.