Almost Forgot

It’s been a very busy day and I almost forgot to take my pills and do my blog for the day. I think I would have been angry at myself had that happened.

Today I was in a good mood. I spent a lot of time out of the house. We had lunch and went shopping for some furniture for the house. I gotta admit I loved the thrill of shopping period, let alone knowing how we were decorating the houes early.

We also took mom in law shopping for a new computer. That will either make things easier cause this one will be able to play games or harder because she will want to spend more time on it. We are only here for less 2 weeks and 5 more days then we will be in our own home and I’ll be able to control everything lol.

Other than those things not much else happened. Tomorrow we may do some more shopping for the house. I hope so, it’s really enjoyable and it makes everything feel much more real.

So Fucking Blech

I didn’t wake up until after 11:00am and I really didn’t wan to get up. I still don’t want to be up. I’m just getting dragged down into the pits of despair and don’t want to do anything at all.

I don’t even want to post this blog but there is not way in hell I am going to stop when I am 6 days from writing every day for a year.

Screw this depression.

Even When Your Not In The Mood

I write my blog every day but I don’t always feel like it. Sometimes I stumble over what to say or my day has been so vanilla that there has been nothing interesting emotionally to write about. Yet it is the one promise that I keep to myself. Trust me I’ve made tons.

I’ve started diets and failed multiple times and exercise programs. Cleaning the house or myself. Wearing makeup or doing my hair. None of these things have I ever done for this amount of time.

So I’m writing, I’m here today and I will be tomorrow. The only reason I won’t write will be because something horrific has happened. Just not wanting to is not enough of a reason not to do it.

Next year I will be doing more than writing, probably photos and stories as well as my moods, but for now this is what it is.. enjoy

Dang Almost Forgot

Usually this time of night my blog pops into my head and I write it. Yet tonight I am tired and almost went to bed without writing in my blog.

My cold is now mostly just a sore throat. Yesterday I went to the minute clinic and had my throat checked for strep. The 5 minute test said nope. So I just have to wait for it to pass. They said 4-5 days I might need some antibiotics but my nose is clearing up all on its own. Gross right? lol

Today was pretty uneventful. I shaved my dog and slept a lot. Tomorrow I see my therapist and shrink. I am wondering if I should increase my Latuda. I’ve had depression but it doesn’t last as long. I am rapid cycling, but that is the norm and I am remaining mostly active.

There were more things done when we went out to visit the house. They will be doing the electric and plumbing soon. It’s all very exciting. I will post pictures on Saturday. Now I’m off to bed.

It’s All Good

Went to the dermatologist and paid 50 bucks for less than thirty seconds of his time. Oh you are all good, no bad moles at all. So happy and perky, I wanted to punch him in the face.

I have no idea why I am so angry about it. I should be thrilled. Nothing wrong with me, but I am mad. I think it is because of all the anxiety I have felt about it. The quick you are fine didn’t seem to be enough to have merited all the anxiety I have felt since last week.

I did get a lot of things done after. A nice breakfast with my husband. I needed to get some blood taken for my shrink. She wants to test the common things, thyroid, vitamin d, liver levels and a couple of others I didn’t recognize.

She gave me a new medication benztropine to help with the restlessness that I feel. I can never sit still, so I am to start taking it at bed time. Not sure if I take enough sedative like meds, xanax, clonezapam and now this new one. I should be really relaxed anyhow.

My therapy also went really well though I ended up talking about my husband for most of the hour. I put him on a pedestal. I know it and the therapist says that maybe I need to do just that. I don’t understand why but I think she is right. He’s the one person I idolize in my life and he is a good moral person.

It’s hard for me to love or even like a person. I’m learning though. This blog helps a lot, it gives me interaction with people I normally wouldn’t have encountered in my life. So this blog is good for all sorts of things.

Thank you for the people who comment and support and even those who just read, you make me feel less alone in the world.

200 Posts

This is just incredible. I had originally just started posting to post. I had only planned on doing one post a week but I decided it wasn’t good enough. I needed to post more.

Now here I am 200 posts later and I’m actually thrilled to have kept up with something this long. I hope this speaks to the way that I will be once my depression is decreased. I think it shows that I have the ability to do anything I put my mind too.

I have to remember that when I seek out other goals.

So yay for me!

Bettering Myself

I’ve been trying to better myself.  I usually just shut myself off and have nothing to do with anyone but my husband or people in games. I’d rarely opened up to anyone and lied to my shrinks about how I felt because I didn’t want to admit to any weaknesses to anyone. My answer was always I’m ok.  Regardless of how bad I was feeling I would never tell anyone.

It got to be too much, I was constantly living in fear of death. Either just by some outside source or by myself.  I was tired.  I decided that I would start writing a blog on Jan 29th  and at the time it was just to keep track of my moods and maybe vent a little. It wasn’t something I had planned on doing everyday but slowly I did. I am actually proud of myself for keeping at it. Besides my marriage I have never stuck to anything that long.  I never thought I had the ability to do anything for more than a few days to a couple of weeks.

Yet at this time I am at 145 posts on this blog.  I decided that I would write another blog just for creative writing and I need more challenges and am at 38 posts, some days have more than one but it’s another thing I have managed to do for at least 30 days. I took pictures every day for 30 days as a challenge to my BFF, today will be the last day of that. 30 days of going out every single day regardless of how I feel. I find it amazing honestly.

I’m proud of myself. I’m forcing myself to be more conscious of my thoughts and actions just by setting goals for myself.  When my depression is at it’s worse instead of sitting and wallowing in bed, I get up, I write and I go out. It’s by no means easy. Some days, like today for example I find it very hard to even sit in front of the computer and try to put thought to paper, so to speak. Yet here I am posting.

Last night I was sitting in bed, so sad and afraid of my husband going on his trip. Filling my head with whatif’s. I am afraid I’ll feel suicidal and he won’t be here to save me. However I can’t give in to those fears. I went to a site on suicidal ideation to read up on it. Afterwards they had a little link to some jokes. I decided to follow it and laughed and cried my ass off for the better part of an hour. I really don’t know that they were that funny but it was cathartic  I needed that laughter and those tears. I think my husband might have thought I was crazy. But he loves crazy so he’ll deal 😀

I’m taking a few days off from going out while my husband is gone. I need to work on the packing as we leave in 16 days and I don’t want to slide backward by making my anxiety attacks more frequent. I am very stressed with the move and everything else going on. I fully admit I am afraid to go out while no one in here at home and that is something I will cover in the future, one step at a time.

So what can I do to improve myself while he is gone? I will wake up and brush my teeth. I’ll eat breakfast and I will not sleep in all day regardless of just how easy it is to make time pass that way. It doesn’t seem like much but for me they are all a challenge.  I’ll continue to write both blogs and do my lumosity as well.  A little at a time right?

To my friends in Denmark who emailed me recently, thank you for worrying about me. I love you.