depression

Going Back And Forth

“I’m gonna get the fire started. Impossible for you to breathe.” (cascada – pyromania)

Yep those lyrics basically describe how my anxiety has been lately.  It’s all calm then all of a sudden I’m getting a hot flash and an anxiety attack.

My mood has been fairly good though. My mind has been quick. These are good things.

So it’s definitely improving.

I’m not writing as often as I like but I’ve noticed that I’m just not motivated at all. I think it’s the weed. I shouldn’t have got more but I thought all I can do is make things better right?

Wrong. I do absolutely nothing.

The new meds have caused me to gain over 20 fucking pounds! After losing over 60 this is a real kick in the face.

Better Late Than Never

I didn’t want to write my blog today, it’s been a day of lounging around napping and trying to make the time go faster so I’m not alone.

Yet here I am writing the blog, because hubby reminded me and then reminded me I would likely be unhappy if I didn’t.

Today was hard to tell where my mood level was. Not up though.

Weirdness

Yesterday I had a wonderful day. I was happy! Yep that’s right HAPPY!. I forgot what that felt like.

Today I had a hard time getting out of bed though. I lay there for 3 hours just riddled with anxiety over nothing.

I think this new med is helping. I think I’m gonna need more meds. I don’t think the rexulti is going to do it all on it’s own. They even advertise it as something to help with antidepressants. So I wonder what my shrink will try to do.

Still feeling hopeful though.

 

Trying To Get Me Shit Together

I showered… thank god that’s over because I smelled like weed. I started to notice it.. ya I needed that.

Today has been pretty uneventful except for the shower.

I was also horny as hell but it passed. This is weird because I haven’t been sexually aroused in quite some time because of the depression. Have I mentioned that I have the best husband ever? I have a man that can put up with the ups and mostly downs lately.

Tonight I’m just stoned and listening to music. I’ve felt kind of sad again today. Again since it is a feeling I should embrace it but I can’t. Emotions scare me.

They make me into other people.

Fuck em.

 

Wow I’ve Been Missing A Lot

October was not that great to be honest. I was depressed most of the time and spent many, well every day stoned off my ass.

November I started to feel something different. Not quite full happiness but I was wanting to do somethings and be involved. I laughed often. I was also stoned off my ass every day.

Today I am sad. I have legit reasons to feel sad. I’m lonely. My mom left. You know legit shit like that. I hope the meds are working and this is just normal emotions, I’ve felt numb for so long it is hard to tell what is what.

I have way more reasons I should be happy and yet here I am, not happy. Also feeling guilty about not writing while my mom visited as much. I only get so little time with her though.

I’ve signed up for another year for my blog so I guess I’m going to be here for a awhile.

 

It’s Been A Couple Days

I hav e been spending time with my mom because she went home today. We spent a lot of time talking and stoned! There was some hilarity and giggles, honestly most of the visit was awesome.

Today is also my 15th wedding anniversary. Woot! It’s been a wonderful day and my husband bought me a beautiful ring.

My mood is definitely better. I think the meds are helping but once again don’t want to get too hopeful. Hope is the doom for me a  lot of the time.

I really appreciate you taking time out of your day to read what is going on with me and sharing how you feel in the comments!

Hugs to all.

 

Family Night

After what turned out to be a horrible election night it is again family dinner night.

We are all eating and enjoying one anothers company even though we are all feeling slightly lost right now.

I’m sad but not depressed, that’s something I guess.

Sorry I didn’t post yesterday I was watching the election and praying.. prayer doesn’t really help when evil is so strong though.

 

Doing Stuff

I was so excited yesterday that I went for a walk through the schramm park. I’d finally have something to write a blog post about. Than I forgot to post at all.

Today I have been doing some painting. There is some great music playing and there is a noticeable mood level. I felt happy today. Happy! I haven’t felt that in a very long time. I hope that means this is the drug for me.

Harder not to feel hopeful.

 

I Made Myself Feel Bad

I wasn’t going to blog today and I was okay with that for a while. Than out of nowhere I felt guilty about not writing so here I am stoned off my ass writing my blog post for the night. I’m a little late but I haven’t gone to bed so I consider it the same day.

Anyhow my mood was OK today. I had some fun, did some painting. Watched some Netflix. I’m trying really hard not to feel hopeful about a possible upswing but that’s really hard to do.

Right now I’m just relaxing listening to music.

Chillin’

 

Just So Not In The Mood

Not in the mood to blog. Just wanna get high and listen to music by myself.

My moms visit is going well, I just think she may be bored ya know? I am planning on going to the zoo next week though.

Watching the world series. I don’t like baseball but it’s history happening in my lifetime no matter what happens so worth watching the final game. Gonna go back to watching that. Good luck to whomever has a stake in it.

I am not sure if the new antidepressant is doing anything but I’ve only been on it for like 10 days. I’ll wait and see what happens when we get to the full dosage.