meds

Meds and Stuff

Currently I am taking pristiq which your insurance has to basically approve. I’ve been on it for over a year now and I went to switch pharmacies to something closer to home and the insurance denied my pills. They are like 650 dollars if they are not covered and frankly not worth it. I’m getting off of it as soon as possible. I need to get pills from my shrink to actually go off it and I’m down to six pills.

Last night was a  load of fun, me and SiL hung out and watched some TV together, had long conversations and a few beers. I love that girl.

Hubby joined us as we explored the house that is being built next door.  It reminded me of being a kid it was fun.

 

Next Day

Yesterday I did so well. No xanax and going out with my SIL, but today is a completely different story.

I woke up feeling a little sick but I figured it was because I was hungry so I ate breakfast took all my pills and promptly threw everything less than 15 mins later. Hard to get your meds when you don’t knows how much actually stuck.

Going to try and eat some dinner and drink some water hopefully it sticks. Wish me luck.

Last Day For Weed

Today I finished off the last of my weed and I’m not going to buy anymore until I see if the meds the doctor are adjusting are actually going to help or not.  I also gave up drinking alcohol. Gonna take this with my own brain.

I have to admit I’m a little scared. I love being able to zone out and listen to music and just not think about anything.

Now my classic whatif’s will start.  Let see how tomorrow turns out for starters.

Days

Typically my day consists of sleeping until noon and then watching the same 3 shows every since afternoon.  It kills time until hubby gets home and sort of keeps me busy.

Weekends are much harder. Hubby is here but he wants to do things on his computer and shows that I have no interest in. I’d be fine with that if weekend TV didn’t suck when it’s not football season.

My house is a freaking mess. I need to clean it but am so unmotivated to do anything physical.

My shrink wants me to take my latuda and 2mg of Xanax first thing in the morning, it’s made me kind of sleepy feeling all day but I’m also restless. It’s a very strange feeling.

I watched DeadPool with my hubby and could not sit still for more than a minute, it’s driving me crazy.

Saw My Shrink Today

First off I am super proud of myself for actually going.  I had forgotten how much I like her. I’ve even made a follow up appt.

She increased my Latuda to 80, lowered my Wellbutrin to 150 and left the Pristiq the same. She also wants me to change how I take my Xanax 2mg  in the morning and then gave me an extra .05 for mid day.

I talked to her about the fact that I have been sick and she thinks that it is because of all the anxiety I am constantly putting myself under. So we are going to work on that and the depression.

Honestly ever since my best friend and dog died I haven’t felt like myself at all. I’m always afraid.

Did you know that the stomach has more serotonin receptors than the brain which is why someone like me can make themselves sick I guess.

I’m still going to the doctors monday so they can at least do some blood work and maybe help on their end.

Blah Blah Blah

I could not think of a title. Today I have not done very much. I’ve been kind of chill and just relaxing.

My shrink called today to tell me she would not fill my scripts again until I made an appt to see her.  So now that is coming up next Friday.

I played some World of Warcraft and am planning on playing some more later.

For now I’m just gonna try and unload some anxiety somehow.

 

Meds Working Too Good?

I am wondering if my medications need to be adjusted down. I can’t seem to feel things as fully as I should.

I have lost my creativity. I have lost my emotions. I don’t like how this feels.

I am unable to grieve. I can’t cry. I got teary eyed the first few days but I haven’t actually been able to let go and just sob. I really need to. I can feel that at least.

I want to feel an interest in something. I want to feel joy at something. I want to feel grief. I want to feel.

I now understand why so many bipolars go off their meds. Lucky(?) for me the past depression has etched a scar that keeps me from doing that.

I wish Dani was here to talk to.

I Hate Emotions

Before my emotions were all really straight forward and I knew what the cause of them typically was. Now I’m not sure how I’m feeling sometimes or what is causing whatever feelings I am having.

I’ve felt very unmotivated the past several days. Right now I am fighting the urge to just go to bed and dream my life away. I’m so restless. Am I depressed? I don’t know. I know I’m not entirely happy but I also don’t feel super bad. I just feel kind of blah.

It really was easier before the meds started fixing all my bipolar shit..

Interesting Depression

This was the shortest period a depression has ever lasted. 3 days, that was it and then I went back to feeling normal.

However I am missing something. My creativity and want to create is next to nil. I want to do other things and I am cleaning the house so it is not a lack of motivation. I think my meds are messing with that part of my brain. If they are I have issue with that. Is being able to paint and write worth months of depression, well no. Yet I still would like to be able to do those things.

I am starting a painting tomorrow for my BFF. I hope that I can create something as beautiful as she is… We shall see..

I Didn’t Post Yesterday

I was exhausted and by the time I realized that I hadn’t posted my blog I was way to tired to make it all the way up the stairs and wait for the computer to start.

I also really truly had nothing to say. My mood was the same from the day before and the only thing that had changed was my clothes. No wait I was still in my jammies from the day before so not even that changed.

Today I woke up and did yoga. I unpacked a couple more boxes and went out to a few stores with hubby to get some essentials. Today was worth getting on the blog for.

I’m still taking the wellbutrin and pristiq and latuda. I don’t know if they are making much of a difference. Right now it doesn’t feel like it. I suppose getting things done and going out is better than laying in bed all day though right?