Month: June 2016

Last Night Was a Blast

I ended up having a really good night. Was a lot of fun. I totally need the socialization and it’s great when it is someone I love hanging out with so much. Now if I could just do it without the drinking that would totally rock, but it’s one thing or another right now.

Today has been good, just been giving my brain a break by listening to my music stoned. It really occupies all those horrible self hatred and worry about everything moments.

Hanging Out With My SIL

having a wonderful day hanging out with my SIL, it’s wonderful and I don’t want to interrupt it so sorry this blog will be la suck for today.

Gotta grab the joy!

Just A Little Interaction

Just a little interaction helps improve my mood. Also my little friend came with that interaction so I am much more relaxed than I have been in days.

I’m still trying to figure out what to do about making a difference but I’ll figure it out. I think that I might just give up meat for starters. I know it would require some serious discipline but I think I can do it. I just can’t stand it anymore.

I do have a new art project I thought of that I think might turn out interesting, if I like it I’ll post a picture of it. Today I’m painting though. I’m trying to paint a flower. Not realistic or anything just something that I like. It’s going OK so far.

Wanted to do my blog before my alarm today, it always makes me go ugh even if I end up enjoying the writing.


I Want To Make A Difference

I’m tired of things being the way they are. I read stories all day about people and animals that need help or have been helped and I want to be one of those people that do that. I have no idea where to start since going out isn’t really something I am good at yet. It’s eating me up though. I just have such a strong yearning to help.

I would gladly take suggestions for things I can do from my home. Anyone have any idea’s?

Not About Me

I have the most wonderful husband. We’ve been together for over 15 years. He is gentle and kind and supportive. I get many hugs from him every single day. (unless he travels)I’m super fortunate to have such a good man. Even when I am depressed and on the edge of wanting to kill myself he can still manage to pull laughter from me.He’s a giant teddy bear. He’s what keeps me going. I just wanted to say how much I love him and like him. He’s my best friend and he puts up with my shit.

Today he found a dying baby bird in the parking lot at work and instead of walking by it like everyone else was he got a paper towel so he could put the poor little thing back in the nest.  He is such a good tender hearted person. I’m not sure what I did to deserve him but I am never letting him go.

I think I’ll go get a hug now.


So Pissed Today

I’m in such a bad mood and I’m angry. I have no idea why, well other than my dealer sucks right now..

Supposed to be family night but mom in law is watching the niece and sis in law hasn’t shown or answered my text. Nothing is going right today.

I could punch someone.. Actually I am going to go and punch the shit out of my punching bag. later…



I woke up in a bad mood today. I literally barked at my dog when she wouldn’t stop barking and scared her. I was so pissed though. Construction going on since first thing in the morning, making the dogs bark, keeping me awake.  There’s a reason I sleep until 11 or 12, it’s so I don’t have to fill 8 hours of being alone.

So ya I’m bitchy!

My alarm went off to write the blog in the middle of hubby and me watching some TV we have DVR’d. After the episode is over hubby shuts off the TV and I’m like what the fuck dude. He’s like go write your blog then we can watch some more. So here I am writing my blog. Even though I yelled and stamped my feet like a child walking up the stairs to my computer, I’m here.  Well I was here.. Now I’m gone, til tomorrow anyhow.


Another Bad Day

Today is the year anniversary of my best friends death. She was the most amazing person. She always made me want to be another person. I miss her so much. So fucking much. I wish she was here to kick my ass. I only had one friend and now she is gone.

I woke up sad. The last couple of days I have been dragging my ass out of bed when I wake up after staying there for way longer than I should. I looked around my house and didn’t want to do a thing. I curled up on the couch and read Facebook.

I miss my weed right now. It makes me numb, instead I’ve been crying. I mean I have reasons and then the additional depression but I don’t want to feel sad feelings.

How can I be happy? It’s a valid question I have no answer to!


Yesterday I ended up feeling pretty good. I actually went out and did some shopping at the pet store and grocery store. I made the mistake after I came home to get drunk and now I again feel like shit with a lovely hangover and sense of anxiety. I don’t think I’ll do that again. I’ll stick to the weed when I am able to get it.

I want to be out in the world but people terrify me. Those poor people in Orlando who were shot to death just for being in the wrong spot at the wrong time. 50 people dead because it’s so easy for people to get their hands on weapons like guns 😦 I don’t want to be a statistic. It makes me even more frightened to leave the house.

Who would have thought a house in tornado alley would give me some sense of comfort.

In The 90’s

It so hot here right now it is in the 90’s going to hit over 100 with the humidex. ugh That means if I wanted to go out not gonna happen. I only like to go to outdoor things, I hate indoors I always feel so trapped.

Hubby is home which is good at least it gives me someone to talk to when I am wandering around trying to find something to do because I ran out of weed again.. sigh. Gonna be a long week.

I can feel that I am restless and today is going to be challenging for me to find things to do. I need to start showing an interest in more of the house work, that could kill 30 mins or so.

Just doesn’t feel like a hope filled day, hopefully that will change.