Depression

Nervous? Maybe.

The doctor doesn’t want me taking clonazepam before my treatments so I didn’t take any today. It was hard but I managed to go to the grocery store unmedicated.

Mostly I felt disassociated. You know that wonderful sense of unreality. It get worse as my depression gets worse and I fucking hate it. Feels like I am tripping balls when I am on nothing at all. I have to constantly ask someone if they are seeing or hearing what I am.

The depression is pretty bad right now. I suppose that should be a good thing since they are going to be treating me for it. I’ll get a true gauge of improvement.

I’m tired, I’m sore, I’m paranoid, I’m withdrawn and I’m hopefully going to get fix. That’s going to keep me going for now.

I missed my last therapy session even though I love my therapist, this week I am thinking of skipping again, it just seems to require so much energy and I don’t feel like putting on a face for my mom in law.

Maybe next week.

Pain and Depression

It took me years to realize that many of my physical ailments were cause from my mental state. I never connected the fact that I would often feel aches and pains while I was horribly depressed.

Few people actually realize that connection, seeking out medical attention which uses their money, time and patience to come to no conclusion. I read this really great article on it
Here

It’s older but you can find a lot of material on it.

It’s really amazing just how crappy it can make you feel, it’s no wonder we don’t want to get out of bed and just sleep our days away. Who wants to be constantly sad and in pain? I know I don’t

Monday, Monday

Well hubby and I will be starting our little weekend vacation tomorrow. I am excited to spend some quality time with him. Though for some reason he hates the words quality time. We are leaving behind our electronics and just gonna hang. Sunday we finish another thing in the path to building out forever home. So it should be a good weekend.

Monday, I’m both excited and nervous about it. I have my ECT consult. Right after I made the appointment I had a major anxiety attack. Shouldn’t surprise me, it’s a good thing yet a big deal.

My depression is pretty strong right now but I am trying to fight it as best as I can. I think the hardest part is the way my body feels. I feel like I’ve been hit by a car and I have been hit by a car so I actually have the comparison. I could definitely live without this, it makes me want to curl up and sleep to avoid it that and the never ending gloom following me like a singular dark rain cloud above my head.

It will get better though. When you hit the bottom you can only go up or drown and I am not drowning!!

Sad and Brain Blocked

I got nothing to write, I am sad. I can’t think of anything but the infinite span of sadness that envelops our world. I’ll do better tomorrow, until then here is a picture of me. At least it turned out nice.Moi

Why Can’t I Be Happy

I have no idea what is going on with me. We started picking out things for the house today. You know like layout and such. The more I did it the more miserable I got. I think it is a combination of being afraid to be happy and the reality of the fact I will be here for quite some time.

Anyhow I don’t feel like writing and I am just gonna go to bed. 😦

Tears For Fears

This morning at 7:30 I woke up and couldn’t stop crying. I ask Jim if he was going to leave me. I feel unsafe and insecure.

I went back to sleep and woke up somewhat energized yet still sad. I cleaned the room we are staying in nod no started the laundry and got myself a shake for breakfast. Then I really did nothing else today until it was time to go to the dentist and get the doohickey that makes it look like I have a tooth.

It looks okay I suppose it is not the mot uncomfortable thing and it makes me sound like a drunk but at least I don’t look like wet trash. In four months I will get a new tooth which in the end will cost me about 3500 dollars. Things sure aren’t cheap in Nebraska.

OJ well what are you going to do right? Day after tomorrow I go and see my shrink and therapist, hopefully I can get my shit going cause last night I was thinking a trip to the hospital might be a good idea. We’ll see though.

I’m Seriously Tired

It is hard to remain positive when your body and brain are working so hard to take you down. I just want to sleep but I can’t for some reason or other. I can’t focus. I am super stressed and paranoid.

The only reason I am bothering to post at all is because I can’t let myself down again. I have to do this every day regardless of how I am feeling.

I just want to curl up and die. Ugh

Fucking Depression

I woke up and knew it. I was miserable. It’s like the sun was plucked from the sky and my life was over. I told myself several times to not consider suicide. Just make it until we get a new home, it’ll get better.

It kept me going throughout the day. I managed to go out to Malibu and spend some time feeding ducks and looking over some wetlands. I felt sick and I felt tired. Not like go home and have a nap tired, but just lay down and go to sleep right there. I of course didn’t but man it was so tempting thinking about just closing my eyes forever.

I’m not suicidal. I’m not making any plans to off myself. I just sometimes want to give up. Hands in the air screaming “Fuck it brain you win!!” I’m not going to through.

As always with depression my paranoia is getting worse. I have to keep telling myself that I am making mountains out of molehills and nothing I would even think is unacceptable is going on. I really hate my brain.

I drew this drawing and posted it for my BFF last week, I have to remind myself it’s true as well.

fight1

Gotta fight, just have to keep going. I have to. Making dreams come true if you are there to see them happen. Things are good in life. It’s just the damn brain and I will not give in to this mental illness. Today anyhow. 1 day at a time.

Support?

I have always had the support of my loving husband and my BFF but I thought that would be the extent of it. I’ve had all failures with therapists and psychiatrists and even a good deal of medical doctors. Family is understanding unless it affects them personally. Which means rarely ever. I don’t have any friends, yes it does get really lonely.

I started to post on my blog. I did it  to keep track of my thoughts and moods so I could try and get a handle on what was happening, To find out if what I was feeling was real or my mind messing with me.

Seems like I do have some real feelings of my own. One of them that is fairly new is hope. Is that a feeling? Yes, because something strange has happened. By writing I have found a really remarkable support system. I didn’t expect it and am not 100% sure that I deserve it but I got it. It makes me want to try even harder.

Right now I am “almost” at the bottom of depression. It is an effort to even breathe. Everything hurts.  I just want to go back to bed and sleep until it passes and if you have been reading my blog that can takes months for me. Normally that is just what I would do.  I would shut everything down. I would just stop. Things have changed.

Even though it takes so much effort having a support system makes me want to try, it makes me want to challenge myself.

I set 4 simple goals (simple ha) to follow every day:

  1. Post on both my blogs
  2. Do Lumosity
  3. Go Out and take at least 1 picture
  4. Do something with packing.

I’ve managed to keep up with this. It’s hard, like really hard not to just curl up in a ball and wallow. Smiling is hard but I’ve managed a little one here and there. Moving is an effort but I drag one foot in front of the other. I am sure that I look like Frankenstein’s monster when doing so but I am moving. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. I am going to work hard to keep this up so I don’t let myself and the wonderful support system down.

Thank you for reading and for posting, it really means the world to me that you take time out of your lives to spend even a moment with me.