My mood is super bitchy but I need to post so…
It’s The Heart
It’s the heart that makes us blunder,
It’s the heart that makes us wonder.
It’s the heart that makes us put up a fight,
It’s the heart that helps us sleep at night.
It’s the heart that brings us all our fear,
It’s the heart that keeps close what we hold dear.
The heart is in everything we do,
How does your heart control you?
Not too bad for a 3 minute poem, meh
I keep messing my pills up cause my moods to be even more unstable. Mostly I am just sad all the time, but today I almost threw several things in a fit of rage.. Haven’t felt like that in a long time. I had to leave the house and practically speed walk around the block to calm myself down. The withdrawal pain and shakiness is horrible and I have a cold to boot!
I am mostly miserable with a touch of silly. Yep silly, I find some things funny but mostly feel grouchy.
I am not sleeping very well and I feel so out of control. I hate that feeling so much.
More notes on my mom and me. I think there is something wrong with me, I feel the need to give gifts almost for approval and was greatly hurt when I saw that she had given my younger sister the gifts I had given her.
I had a dress that I was saving for when I got to goal weight it was something I really loved. I realized that it would take me years to be able to get into it so last year I gave it to my mom, yesterday my sister was wearing it. I admit she looked lovely in it but I was so hurt. Then when she went out she just left it on the floor. So I did something horrible. I grab it and hid it where I can’t even reached it.
Do I feel bad, sadly no.. I wish I did, but it really hurt me.
I have no idea if I am just so uber sensitive that things mean more than normal. I mean I feel what I feel, I know I feel things way more intensely then a ‘norm’ so it is just frustrating.
I’m gonna go to bed and nurse this cold and wait for Friday to come.. God I want to punch someone in the neck!
So I went to the doctor to get a referral for a shrink and the dude gives me a number to call. I never mentioned the things that I want to do to fix my situation just that I needed one for my bipolar 1. I thank him and head home and wait a couple of hours to call. Not really sure why. I was nervous. I am not looking forward to the experimentation that goes with trying to get to more common feelings.
I finally did call the number and it was to a ECT place, not a shrink.. I laughed my ass off after she told me and got forwarded to the actual psychiatrists. I got in the mood disorder specialist, I however told the receptionist that would she just want to give me the ECT I would consider this all solved.
Not been a great day other than that. My husband and I were supposed to have the day alone. My mom and sister decided they were not going to go to Disneyland today and then later on hmm and hawed enough that I asked hubby to take them there so they could leave the car seat in the car. Took him two hours to get there and 1 hour to get back. I am starting to worry that I am just too damn nice at the expense of myself. I have hardly seen my husband since mom came and then we ended up only having a couple of hours to run some errands before he had to head back out the door.
I am so frustrated.. I need a joint.. My muscles are all sore, not sure if it is the stress or the cold that I have, either way I feel like shit and would like to be able to relax and zone out for a while. What a girl to do though..
Mood: Good, been a few little saddish moments but mostly good. Having trouble sleeping again!
Not a fan of birthdays but today was actually pretty nice. I had banners and balloons and cake, Plus Pressies which I love!!
I don’t normally celebrate birthdays in a normal fashion, actually I am usually just miserable.. Once again I have no idea why I just think it is one of those triggers.
Tomorrow I go to the doctors to hopefully get that referral. I’m nervous and excited.
Hubby and I talked some more about moving back to Nebraska, it really seems like a good idea right now. I hate to give up the gorgeous weather but I just think it would be awesome. I am hoping we know something by the time we go to Las Vegas in April, so we can hopefully give his mom the news of us coming back. I think that would make her day, on top of the wedding that is.
My poor yorkie is still feeling terrible, Poor girl. I love her to pieces and hate to see her feeling poorly. They are going to a dog hotel while we are gone, little buggers are getting better rooms than us! LOL They deserve it though.
Well thatis it for today I will let you know how things go with the doctor, I doubt it will be very eventful. Hopefully I can get hubby to take me to the forest afterwards!
Mood: Good, weird right?
It is hot here in SoCal. Really hot.. I am comfortable at about 68F anything above that is typically too warm for me. However I absolutely have needed to get out of the house. Which is honestly awesome. I have walked around a lot, went to brunch with hubby and just generally enjoyed the day. Things seemed to have hit a good spot (crosses fingers). I would like the calmness to continue.
By the time you are are reading this it will be my birthday. Hard to believe 13 years ago I had planned to end my life on this day. I am very glad I didn’t even if I have to struggle each and every day.
The sad thing is I realize that I live my life to be with my husband and need to become more independent. I am not sure how to do this though.
My husband talked to me about moving back to Omaha which really has a lot of pros, we would be able to get a better house, I am more willing to go out there. I would have family for holidays.
Here I basically have the weather.. Which seems to be a silly reason to stay here.. We’ll see what happens when he talks to his boss next week. I hate waiting to find these kinds of things out. Honestly though I want to be in a house at the end of the year. I need some stability. So here or there it’s gonna happen.
For some reason though despite the cold winters, hot summers and tornado season the idea of moving to Omaha kind of excites me.
I hate that I have nothing of value to write but I am keeping my promise to keep doing this every day! so woot
Mood: Out of Body? Is that a Mood?
I have been doing so much crying the past week that my stomach is upset constantly. I really thought that I had made a breakthrough. It lasted all of 4 hours before my mom and I were arguing again. She basically told me sometimes I just need to “get over it”.. Seriously woman have you not heard a word I’ve said to you?
My husband absolutely doesn’t want my mom coming for 6 months now, he is worried about my state of mind and his peace of mind. I imagine it is stressful being with 2 women who are constantly fighting over the simplest things.
My mom often calls us girls by each others names, Last night I decided to tease her about it and she blew it all out of proportion. Stopped talking and then pulled the age card. I have to admit I was upset by it, I have seen my mom 3 times in 13 years and I’m the oldest.. Remembering my name would be nice.
Hubby came home and told me that he might be able to make the same money if we moved back to Omaha, which would enable us to get a nice home and be close to his family. There’d be things to celebrate there would also we tornados. There would be Halloween but there would also be snow. I love the weather here but in Omaha I am just another *big girl* and am more comfortable going out and doing things.
I am 100% certain my mom would not come to visit me for 6 months there though, as she is coming here to escape the weather. Which both offends me and might be a little relieving.
My birthday is Monday and as opposed to doing things with my family. I am going to stay home. I don’t really need the stress of trying to keep people busy when it is my day. Hubby and I are going to celebrate after they go home. It gives him time to get some work done and I get a wonderful day alone with my hubby. I did tease him about having to buy me two presents though *heh*
I love my mom, I love to hear her laugh but I wonder if we are too much alike and to different to live together.
A Bipolars Reality 