Life

Sick and Sad

I’m woke up crying and then spent the day in physical pain and stomach rolling illness. Is this because if the medication?

There are some theories that even being on the pills for a few days and quitting can make you ill, that sure does seem to be the case. Either way I am not much up to writing.

I did step out and got some hobby shit to do, hook rugs, paints, puzzles just things to keep my brain active on something besides itself.

I have no idea if they will help or if I will even attempt to do them. I guess we shall see. For now I am going to try and get some sleep so I can stop feeling like someone ran me over with an 18 wheeler.

Hard Habit To Break

So today was an amazing day! 🙂 First off the shrink was amazing, she just gave me some additional medication to help with my social anxiety (propranolol). She also thought that ECT is a great option for me and is going to get that all set up. She wants to deal with the anxiety first because in her words, she wants to make sure I show for the ECT appts. I agree with her on that.

The appt with the therapist also went really well, we talked about my insecurities and where that may stem from and how my negative thoughts were now habit because my husband really hasn’t done anything to make any of them a fact.

It’s funny my BFF talks about creating habits and what I need to start doing it breaking them. That should be interesting. I look forward to it a lot.

The other great thing that happened is we can start moving forward in getting out house built. We start the process on Saturday!!! I am so thrilled. It was nice to have a good day for a change.

Also I went out for lunch and I went out for dinner and went into the pharmacy alone. I rocked it.

IAmDrunk

Tonight there was fireworks and wine and it was nice. I cried because of the joy of sparkle and the being surrounded by family and probably. Amuse I was drink. Too drunk too post. Happy fourth tomorrow.

Am I Crazy?

Today we went out and looked at houses. We both instantly fell in love with one. We agreed on everything about it . The would be room for guests and a giant art room for me. The kitchen was so amazing I wanted to start baking right there. It’s even in our price range.

The problem is that it is a model home. We would have to wait 6 months before we could move into our own, which means 6 months staying with the mom in law. 6 months of putting up with family and their bullshit.

There are of course positives. 6 months of saving money paying down our credit and saving for closing costs. We would have the house we wanted, designed the way we want. With all th little nooks and crannies we have thought about. We can even purchase the lot in an area we want.

Still 6 months Is a long damn time of holding my tongue and smiling. Sure I will have therapy every week but then my mom in law lo be driving me to it.

I’m stressed and it’s making my body hurt, a lot! I just want to curl in a ball. However I can’t even do that, got to go to the dentists tomorrow and then the nieces birthday. I even bought the spoiled little princess a present. Fucking entitled 6 year olds… Sigh

ill know tomorrow if we are going to do the house thing, please send good vibes.

Tooth and Circumstance

Last night I bit into a drumstick ( the ice cream kind ) and the whole front of my tooth broke off.

I suppose a little backstory would help. When I was 8 I decided to be a little stunt person and go down a slide on my head, needless to say they it didn’t go well, I hit my mouth on the side and broke my front tooth almost completely out. The dentist gave me a root canal and created what I thought was a tempory crown which he replaced two years later.

35 years later, the damn thing shattered, I went to the dentist today and they told me that the tooth was completely fucked and I had two choices, bridge or implant. Either way they tore that rotten ol thing out and I has a gap in the front. Talk about feeling white trash.

Anyhow I am on Percocet and feeling mighty fine but this is definitely going to be a pain in the ass. I get a floater tooth on Thursday and then in 3 months I get my implant. The good part is that my front teeth will match in color for the first time in 35 years..

I did handled it like a champ though. I totally rocked without freaking out, so go me!!!

Day One – Already Annoyed

Well imagine a hypo-manic person talking who isn’t you when you just have 3 long days of driving. Plus they aren’t really hypo-manic but just wont stop talking.  Then you 10 pound yorkie attacks a fricken over weight border collie. Seriously off to a fun start.

Only 2 months 30+ days to go. I know I should be grateful that I am staying here at the mom-in-laws but it is already overwhelming and for some unknown reason she decided it would be a great week next week to have Jim’s aunt and husband, jims father and his sister with the four kids and ex hubby over. My god, I don’t think that is enough to drink in the world.

Going from being exposed to basically one person on a day to day basis to staying in a house with 4 other adults seems so scary. I don’t feel like I am going to have anywhere to hide.

Speaking of hiding my dear husband is doing a wonderful job of doing just that.

I feel like I have no where to turn and have to either stay in the bedroom with my husband or be polite because the man has no fricken manners. I am kind of pissed at him right now can you tell.

I’m just pissed in general I don’t know what to do with myself. I can just feel the anger building.  I feel like the hulk. Colleen SMASH!

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

I’m Here, I’m Tired

gonna just post some pictures tonight then will get back to regular posting tomorrow. sense a theme?

nebraska
colorado
utah

Golden Colorado

I’m here at a hotel in Golden Colorado just a few miles from Denver. Can’t wait to get to Omaha tomorrow!  This place is not really that great and the wifi is slow as fuck but at least I am posting right 😀 on a positive note I’ve gotten a ton of gorgeous window shots and hopefully some of them will be worthy of posting on my other blog.

its actually pretty nice here just the actual hotel is kind of scary, but the woods and mountains are really nice.

the drive was hard but we made it and I’m still going. I’ll post more tomorrow after we land and I can get on my iPad or laptop to post writing on my phone is hard.

There’s No Place

Right now as they pack the last few things we own, my eyes are filled with tears and I feel not only sad but almost like a failure.

I failed to live in California. We have really enjoyed our time here the last few months. I am going to miss the weather and the ocean. I think I am almost going to miss the ocean more than anything else. I’ve never gone in it but loved to sit by its edge and watch the waves rolling in.

I suppose once we get to Omaha I will find something new to do but for today I am sad. I won’t miss this fucking apartment though that’s for sure 😛

Well gotta go, we’re off to Utah!

 

Last Day Til October

This will be my last blog written on my computer until we buy a house which will be October. We want to be in by Halloween as it is my favorite holiday and I want to be able to decorate. Almost all of our stuff is going into storage until then.

I won’t stop posting but I will be using my IPad or my laptop to write on moving forward so most of the posts are not likely to be perfectly edited. While on the road the next few days I will likely be making very short posts, we want to get to Omaha as soon as possible so it will be post, sleep, drive, mix, repeat.

I am  super stressed out today. In fact as I write this I am having a lot of dissociative feelings. I feel like my head is under the sea.. Everything just doesn’t feel right. I hate that, but what are you going to do right? I’ve taken my antianxiety meds and am mostly just trying not to curl up. It’s my natural reaction. My body shuts down and wants to go to sleep to avoid everything.

Not really something I can do though. The movers will be here in a little over 12 hours and then we will be on the road for 6-8 hours then 2 more days of 8-10 hours, something like that. I takes a while to drive there and there looks like there is going to be weather.. Scary.. fucking weather. I miss it but not the scary stuff, I just hope we are safe. I want to get Omaha with as little stress as possible.

Wish me luck ..