Life

Trying to Chill

In addition to being bipolar and a bunch of other psychiatric things I have GERD which is not fun. I was a very bad girl and stopped taking care of it which I think has been most of the reason for all my stomach issues of late. So I am back to trying to get that shut under control.

I didn’t go out today in fact in the last week I have only gone out twice, I need to fix that shit. I don’t want to be homebound again. I have to be so careful about that.

I did cancel my therapist appt this week but I will make some in the future after my stomach settles and the ECT is underway. I am not gonna punish myself too much for backing out, things are just really stressful.

I still can’t believe that I am starting my ECT the day after tomorrow.. Do exciting and scary..

200 Posts

This is just incredible. I had originally just started posting to post. I had only planned on doing one post a week but I decided it wasn’t good enough. I needed to post more.

Now here I am 200 posts later and I’m actually thrilled to have kept up with something this long. I hope this speaks to the way that I will be once my depression is decreased. I think it shows that I have the ability to do anything I put my mind too.

I have to remember that when I seek out other goals.

So yay for me!

Two Days Down

Yesterday was most uneventful. I did wake up so angry I could pop the head off a puppy, but it eventually passed. I know it was my mania coupled with the stress.

Today I went to get my mammogram and I am pleased to announce the girls are OK! Yay. They did suggest some genetic testing since so much cancer runs in my family so I let them take some blood and hopefully I will be better prepared going forward.

Last night I was too exhausted and pingbacked my other blog. I apologize for that.

I decided it was time to start taking better care of myself so I made a habit board, Lazymoan made cards but I wanted to make it like me, sparkly.

Habit Board

Habit Board

I think this will help a lot. My habit are hygeiene, taking the dogs out and exercising. 🙂

I’m off to do something naughty, eat angel food cake, yummy!

It’s Gonna Be A Week

Today was a restful day. After crying for many hours last night I seemed to have gotten some of the emotional build up out. I also had some nightmares. I am really looking forward to this upcoming weekend with my husband but first it will be a hectic week.

Tomorrow I am just cleaning the house but will also be calling and arranging my ECT appointment. I imagine this one will be a meet and greet and physical type one.

Tuesday I go for my breast exam and mammogram which I hope turns out to be nothing.

Wednesday there will be some furniture guys delivering a new dresser, no one will be here but me and I’m not really that comfortable with it but it is necessary.

Thursday I go to see my therapist and by that point I will most certainly need it. Plus I imagine mom and I will do lunch and some shopping!

Friday we finish the final bits of our contract and pay the rest of the money for the house to be started. Plus we head out of the hotel afterwards it will be nice!

I am looking forward to doing nothing but honestly I likely will go out and explore.

I just wish keeping busy kept my brain quiet, then it would be perfect.

Somethings Abreast at the Circle Foot

but seriously..

Today I got everything arranged to get my breast exam and mammogram. They have 3D imaging now so that there is less likely hood of me having to have a biopsy for a cyst again. That hurt like hell. Tuesday I should at least know something I hope.

This weekend I am just going to pick out rock siding and paints for our house so that Friday we are done with everything and they can start building the house. I can barely wait.

Emotionally today was not bad except for the anxiety about my breast and there is really nothing i can do until a doctor can cop a feel, so I am gonna not worry too much about it.

I spent most of the day by myself which was weird but good but boring. It will definitely take some getting used to again. It was nice was MIL came home and we went out and did some shopping together.

Then i cooked us an awesome dinner of rib eye steaks, crab stuffed mushrooms and grill asparagus, low carb is definitely nummy and I’ve lost 5 pounds so far.

Nothing exciting going on though at least for now.

Home Pieces

Today was eventful. I woke up at 6:00am for some freeking reason and needless to say I was stressed. One of my dogs threw up like a ton of food which made me gag the entire time cleaning up and then I went back to bed after doing some other cleaning around here.

When I went to sleep I had nightmares about someone who really abused me in many ways for many years, when I dream of him I usually am super stressed. I think everyone has one of those dreams ya know? It did help me figure out a lot of stuff.

I realized that while I am stressed about good stuff, I am also stressed about bad stuff. My BFF is ill. my daughter is practically living on the streets and jobless and my sister in law is going through a divorce. I’m not sure I’m coming to terms with everything but realizing they are there helps I suppose.

I nt to the therapist and shrinks and had a good session, found out that my paper work is getting sent out to the ECT place the beginning of next week, which is awesome! I also picked out all the stuff for my house, even the grout, seriously never even thought about that before.

Tonight something weird happened. I was doing something and all of a sudden my left nipple started hurting, like it’s still aching. I haven’t had a mammogram in three years so I suppose it is time for me to go and get it done. I will need to get a cab, I have no one to take me to these damn appts.

I’m not gonna stress it is likely nothing, right? I’m not really asking but I will work it out. Anyhow, ya.

Better or Worse?

Things were better today though I am a bundle of hyped up emotions. I managed to make it through most of the day without completely freaking out. Mostly anyhow.

Hubby and I went to for a two mile walk at this man made lake that was really nice. Neither of us were dressed for it and we got super hot! Afterwards we sent shopping at Target.

I don’t know what came over me, I ended up buying a bunch of stuff that I really didn’t need, then felt horribly guilty about. This caused me to be tense and when hubby said something like when I get stressed out I get controlling, I try to control the thing that I am stressed out about. This made me yell then cry but ultimately he is correct.

I am trying to relax and just enjoy the good things but it is so hard for me. Ugh.

I am trying to eat healthier, I am losing weight, we are getting a home, we are going to have a wonderful life, I a, getting ECT. Things are good. Good dammit.

A Long Day

This morning my mother in law suggests that we go to this place called egg and I for breakfast. It was ok, nothing spectacular. I had to send my orange juice back because there was shit stuck on the outside, like old egg or something.

Then we took her out to see the lot we bought and we toured the model again. We drove around the town checking out an outlet mall, a car show and the towns days. Like a mini fair.

After that I went to pier one and I was giddy, I didn’t buy anything but I swear that thinking about decorating made my panties wet. Ha!

After that e went to lunch, mom in law was starting to get crabby and brought my mood down, so I drank a tall beer and we got our food to go, eating them promptly falling into a deep nap.

It was nice to have a very busy day and not think. I think that is what I really need to do because if I ha to much time to myself I get sick and depressed.

Plus I want to keep on my new diet that I started. I don’t want surgery unless it is really necessary, I think I can do it myself. I hope. Trying to think more positively.

Some Good Stuff

Today we went and signed the contract for our new home. I took some pictures of the model home we are getting a copy made of. The decor will be different but the layout will be the same. Enjoy the pics!

Stomach Bug

Last night I ended up puking my guts out. Maybe too much info but needless to say my physical feelings overtook my emotional ones quickly.

I’ve spent the entire day mostly just trying to chill out and keep what little food i put into me down. I didn’t have time to stress about signing the contract tomorrow and I’m not gonna do it now either.

My mom in law has fricken shingles. I hope she doesn’t pass that shit over to me because that would suck big hairy nutsacks.

I’m going to head to bed. Sorry I’m not writing a deeply in-depth post but i just need some sleep.