Life

Right On The Edge

I’m on the edge of a mood. It’s been an up and down day. My prick of an ex-brother-in-law is trying to make everyone’s life a living hell. Mostly my mom in law cause he is so fucking selfish. If I had my way he’d never get a job again and would have to live on the streets.

He and my sister in law expect my MIL to watch my nephews and niece for like 12 fucking hours a day. She in her mid 60’s and should be allowed to relax but she is too good of a woman to tell them to go fuck themselves. It’s making me seethe. At least I have a reason to be pissed for a change.

On the good news front we now have a gigantic basement sized hole on. On our lot. I’ll post pictures tomorrow. For now I’m done before I curse anymore. I’m a regular patty mcpottymouth.

Tra La La

Tonight we met with the builder which was absolutely amazing. We also saw just how big our lot is 320000 square feet. It’s fucking huge, to say the least.

Starting next week they will digging the hole for the foundation and we are so looking forward to going out seeing things moving along. I’ve been high on life all day.

Therapy was also good. I don’t have anything to complain about today. It’s nice to a change.

Positive thinking…. Keeping it going.

Why I Hate People

I know tht I need to become more social. It would help with my loneliness and maybe I could live a more normal life. I also know that I need to work through the things that make not truth people. I’m gonna lay it all out right now so I can go back and cross things off my list as I go along.

I was beaten daily for many years by several different men.
I have been raped at least 3 times, once by 3 men.
I was molested as a young child and a preteen.
I was bullied and beaten down emotionally and physically almost every day of school.
I was rarely told that I was of any value as a person by the people who were supposed to encourage me and support me.

Needless to say on top of being bipolar 1, with bored eerie personality disorder and anxiety disorde I am a little fucked up.

There’s more, but those are the pretty big ones for now..

I’m lucky that my in laws are good to me. My husband loves me more than I’ve ever even thought was possible and my daughter loves me regardless of the mistakes tht I’ve made. Eventually things will balance out. Moving towards the positive.

Zoo Stuff

Today we went to the zoo. It was really nice and I hardly even got any anxiety.

Afterwards we went and had lunch and I basically just enjoyed the day. I am trying to think more positively and listen to my therapist about just enjoying being happy as opposed to always expecting the worst to happen.

I think even though I have had some hard times lately I have smiled more than I have in a long time. It would be nice if it keeps going….

Blog Splog

I don’t feel like writing, finding out my best friends cancer isn’t improving by reading her blog has put me in a foul mood and I can’t think of anything to say. My bipolarity and mood swings seem to be kind of trivial at the moment.

I see my shrink and therapist tomorrow, I’ll let ya know how it goes ……

Rain, Rain Go Away

It’s been storming here all day. Some places are getting up to 5 inches of rain. There are severe storm warnings, flood warnings and just a general sense of unease amongst the animals and myself.

I find it very difficult to sleep during a thunderstorm at night since I became aware that tornados can happen in the dark. For some reason I never thought they could. Yet they do, joy!

I do love the sound of rain though. It is relaxing and makes me think of romance. I’m not sure why. Though living with your MIL is not romantic at all.

I have been craving some romance, I wish that I knew how to teach hubby how to be romantic.

Falling rains, some wine, a fire with soft conversation. Just something simple..

Anyhow rain you can stay but don’t be brewing up any scary ass wstorms.

I’m Lonely It Sucks

Today my husband went back to work. Mom in law went back to watching the niece and nephews and the house is quiet and lonely. I don’t know that I will be able to work or volunteer but I would like to have interactions with people instead of always waiting for someone to come and visit or come home from work.

It makes me sad that i need to be with other people so much. I mean I think it is wonderful that I dont want to shut myself off with my crazy. I want to share. It’s one of the reasons that I blog. The loneliness is hard though. It makes my heart ache. I wander around trying to push myself.to keep myself busy.

I went outside and it made my eyes tear up as I heard the slight hum of someone mowing their lawn in the distance and it made me crave small talk. Hows the weather? What did you think of the storm last night? Are you looking forward to fall? That sort of thing.

I did do a painting today, I rather like it!

photo (1)

 

No More ECT

I thought that it was going to be a big miracle thing. All it had accomplished was making me feel like everything is wrong with the world. Nothing feels right. I did not go Monday and I don’t think I will return to it.

I have a hard enough time feeling at peace in the world. I never feel like I belong anywhere and I was finally starting to feel that way before I decided to go and zap my brain. I didn’t nt to return after the first time but I allowed people to make me feel bad about the choice of stopping instead of being true to myself.

I’m ok with this choice. I am going to go see my therapist and shrink on Friday and see what I can do medicinally. I’m open to a lot more things now. I’ve haven’t been doing my blogs like I should and that makes me sad. I don’t want to miss out on my writing or my support. I need that more than anything else.

So Far, So Good

Today I went to lunch and shopping unmedicated to do something I enjoyed while I was having anxiety. It went ok I’m still living and I didn’t run away which is something. Every single thing I do unmedicated is an an achievement.

My gerd is really bugging me and it is giving me some stress but I am not going to let it get to me. I’m gonna take a pill and move on. Eating is becoming just unejoysble. I guess that I one way to lose weight.

I’ll let you know now it goes tomorrow if I go..

Kindness? What to do with it?

Thank you to everyone who has been so kind and supportive. I really don’t know what to do Keith kindness but the blogosphere is full of such warm and compassionate people. I expected to hear nothing but how disappointed they were and only heard that from one person.

My BFF did not hold back in telling me that I had disappointed myself and sadly her a little.

For some reason she thinks I am super woman. She’s maded me promise to call her be next time I am stuggling so she can kick my ass and help me through it.

I admit I felt hurt and beaten up at the end of our talk. Yet this is how we are with one another, when everyone else is being kind, we are honest. I think that’s what makes us beat friends.

I’ve rescheduled for Monday afternoon. Let’s hope I make it this time. I hate to get my as reamed out again..

I’m still anxious but hopefully I can start getting my life back into living it…