death

I Don’t Know What To Do

I am so sad all the time. Even when I am stoned I still get flits of grief that make themselves through. I don’t know how to deal with any of this. The person I would normally talk to is the one dying.

I’ve worked on her painting, I’ve written her a hand written letter. I’ve cried numerous tears. It hurts so much. What do you do when you are losing the second closest person in your life.

Every time my phone rings I’m terrified that her husband is calling to tell me she has passed. I can’t even begin to imagine how he feels or even how my BFF feels if she is even aware of what is going on. I kind of hope she doesn’t. The dementia may be a bit of a blessing in this case. I don’t know if that is though.

This is going to hurt for a long time.

My Best Friend Is Dying

AT the end of last week my best friends husband called me to tell me just how far down hill she had gotten. I was told she has two-three weeks to live peacefully at home. I was also told she was experiencing a lot of dementia because of the tumors on her brain.

I feel so much pain right now. I love this woman only second to my husband. She’s the one who always kicks my ass when I’m having a self pity party. She is the only person who calls me Kit. She has made the last 14 years of my love fun and showed me it was okay to care about people.

I’ve spent the last four days high as a kite trying to suppress my heart ache and grief.

Less than a month ago we were talking about her coming to visit me.

I’ve been working on a painting for her and it’s now impossible to paint, my mind has drawn a blank.

I hurt so much. I can’t even imagine how she or her husband feels.

She came on aim and told me she was going to miss me. I’m going to miss her more than I think she can even imagine.

I’m doing horribly at dealing with this and I know self medicating is not the best choice but it’s keeping me from becoming a fucking mess.

Dani, I love you more than you can ever possibly know.

Moody Yet Again

I woke up in a good mood, still feeling happy about my hair cut.

I played on the computer for a few hours and had some fun. It seemed like a really good kind of day.

Then I got a message from my BFF saying she was upset with me. Rightly so. I haven’t been there for her like I should mostly because I’m afraid. Ever since I found out her cancer came back, I’ve been terrified. I’m afraid of losing the only other person that I love unconditionally besides my husband. I admit it makes me a coward for turtling myself into a shell and hiding.

I hope she forgives me for being so stupid. It hurts me to think that I might have hurt her in any fashion. She is going through more than enough, she doesn’t need my bullshit on top of it.

In a perfect world I would spend every day with her and we would be happy and healthy.

 

Movement Impossible

Again I spent the night fighting with my own body as it slipped into sleep paralysis again and again. I didn’t feel exhausted which is usually the precursor. Though honestly I think I may just be exhausted all the time so I never notice anymore. I had my husband hold my hand, not because it helps physically but emotionally I feel tethered.

It scares me though that my husband sleep so deep and can’t tell when someone is going on with me. I think I lost some of the security that he usually gives. So for hours and hours I would slip down into sleep paralysis sometimes making it to REM but I had so much anxiety I would kick myself out of it. It has been going on all night until noon today.

I don’t feel very good, my sinus’s are grody, my chest feels full and I know I have to go to the doctors tonight to make sure I don’t have pneumonia. Sleeping is just not going to happen.

I’m afraid! My stomach always feels full even when it is not so I imagine I will also get yet another endoscopy. I don’t mind that really. I’ve had 3 already. My great grandmother died from stomach cancer at around my age.. I’m so afraid of death. I mean most people are. Yet they live, they go on and do things with their lives. I am currently writing and feeling guilty.. death and guilt.. why couldn’t it be cake or death? I would most assuredly would take the cake or the chicken.. (Eddie Izzard)

I have made my husband an unhealthy weight with my insecurities. When he wanted to go to the gym or eat healthy I made him feel bad for doing so by accusing him for wanting to be with someone else.  Now I have no choice but to let him do those things because he needs to be healthy. He must outlive me. I couldn’t bear my life without him.

Fuck life would just be easier for everyone without me I swear.

 

On The Precipice

I feel like I am standing on a precipice. Just hanging on the edge with a couple of fingers wrapped around the root of happiness trying to hold on for just a few more days or even hours.

I’m right on the edge of being angry, happy and anxiously sad. I hate the way this feels. I had honestly thought the up would last so much longer. It seems like every time I cycle the happy lasts for a shorter and shorter amounts of time.

I was putting the dishes away and I like to wash all my chefs knives in the dishwasher. One of the knives grazed my wrist I was placing the rack and I realized I wouldn’t be incredibly sad if it had sliced me open. I won’t tell my husband that though. He worries enough about me as it is and it wasn’t like I was considering killing myself I just didn’t care if it happened.

sigh