ECT

Always Thinking

I think way to much and my thoughts are always spinning like the tires of a car going 100 miles an hour.

Tonight I got to thinking about the new shrink I see on Tuesday and what they were going to do with me. I’m scared to be honest. They don’t know me from dick. I know what’s wrong with me, in fact I know I haven’t been completely diagnosed as I am 98% sure I also have borderline personality disorder.  I’ll need to start therapy for that, but it will wait until I get home.

I’ve become very self aware in the last 6 months. Understanding the things going on with me. Not just the bipolarity and depression. All the things that are really wrong with the way I think and the way I react. I am seldom positive. I am always filled with worries.

I thought when we found out we were going to back to Omaha I could stop stressing about that. Now we need to know the exact date and need to start getting things organized and until they are, I don’t know that I will feel calm. Even knowing those things I highly doubt will help at all. I’ll start worrying about the drive through the mountains and staying with my mom in law until we get a house.

I don’t know how to stop and enjoy the moment.  I might have an hour or two where my mind is focused on something like a movie and I’m fortunate enough that it draws me in. Other than that it’s always yapping at me about one thing or another.

The paranoia about my husband leaving me still comes frequently even though we have been together 13 years and he still is as affectionate if not more then he’s ever been. He is always looking after me. I don’t deserve him. He deserves so much better. I know if I don’t figure out a way to deal with these insecurities something bad will happen. I always expect that anyhow so I don’t think I would be all that surprised.

My mom said she would still come visit regardless of where I live just not as long. I understand this, but I have bet it won’t even be for a few years. Who wants to be in Omaha but me really?

I know hubby would be happy in California if we did things but I can’t grow here and he is willing to relocate for me.. When is he going to get selfish? Argghh. I hate my brain

So Restless

I absolutely hate this. I can’t sleep at night and during the day I am just restless. Nothing seems to hold my mind for more than 30 mins at most.

I’m not unhappy but I am also not happy. I keep trying to do all the things that I usually love. Heck I have been trying to do these things for the last few months and they just hold no joy for me.

I want to go out but really there is no where to go since we are using all our ‘dating money’ for the Vegas trip.

I did clean but it was so overwhelming and honestly when I finish a room I don’t get that sense of accomplishment it just feels like I’ve made a tiny dent and I still have so much to do.

Have I mentioned that I have too many clothes? I have literally 7-8 garbage bags full of clothes. I can’t stand to part with them even though most don’t fit at present and I usually just wear pj’s most of the time.

I do have to go shopping at kohl’s tomorrow. I need pants for the trip, heck I need pants to leave the house period, all I have is yoga and track pants. Maybe I should wear them to the shrink so they can see just how much I don’t give a fuck about myself.

I won’t be lying to this one telling them I am fine when I am not.  I made that mistake with the last one. I need to get some real help.  I’m starting to get stressed about it though. We are doing a practice drive tomorrow so I can see where it is and how long it takes to get there. Hopefully long enough for my clonazepam to kick in..

I so hope they consider the ECT, I really want it and I just have a feeling that it will really help with my depression. Apparently it also helps with mania, so it could be a one-two shot. It’s worth some short term memory loss.

Hmm least I can write.. Blog done.

Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World

I was watching  this movie last night when I couldn’t sleep. It had Steve Carrel and Keira Knightly in it, and was labeled as a comedy. In the movie the end of days draws near as there is a comet was going to crash into the earth. It was really good, as I said it’s listed as a comedy but I would say it is that loosely.

It made me wonder what I would do with myself if the end of the world was coming. Would anything change? If things changed wouldn’t I want to live right now like any moment could be the end of my life? Something to seriously consider that is for sure.

Even knowing I should live everyday like it will be my last really doesn’t change my urgency for getting treatment and living life.  Sure I have an appointment with a new shrink/group of shrinks but I don’t know how that will go. Will they listen to me about wanting the ECT. There are truly no more antidepressants for me to try. I’m afraid they will want to start me on a new pill cycle and frankly nothing good ever comes from it.

I plan on seeing a psychotherapist when I get back to Omaha. I never thought that it would do me any good but just from talking to and reading other bloggers it makes me feel like I can benefit from it. As well as the socialization that I need. I’ve been writing for almost 70 days and feel like I am part of a community and not as alone as I was when I started. It’s remarkable.

I wondered why anyone would want to read my blog and then thought to myself why do I want to read others blogs. Well because we don’t want to feel alone. Even if a there are some of us that choose to be shut off from humanity we still need to feel part of something.

Were I able to stop constantly living in fear of things I might even enjoy life more.  The depression won’t lift on it’s own but maybe I can shine a little light on it when the darkness of it gets suffocating. I just need to remember we only have one life and we should make the most of it. I need to adopt a who cares attitude about the people who walk past me or look at me and don’t know me. If they judge harshly they are the ones that are missing out.

I do know without a doubt that spending my last days with the man I love doesn’t even change in a scenario that only leaves me with days on earth. I think I would only want more time with him. We need to win the lottery!

How would you live if you knew the end of the world was coming?

 

Can I Get A Woot Woot!!

So I went to the doctor to get a referral for a shrink and the dude gives me a number to call. I never mentioned the things that I want to do to fix my situation just that I needed one for my bipolar 1. I thank him and head home and wait a couple of hours to call. Not really sure why. I was nervous. I am not looking forward to the experimentation that goes with trying to get to more common feelings.

I finally did call the number and it was to a ECT place, not a shrink.. I laughed my ass off after she told me and got forwarded to the actual psychiatrists. I got in the mood disorder specialist, I however told the receptionist that would she just want to give me the ECT I would consider this all solved.

Not been a great day other than that. My husband and I were supposed to have the day alone. My mom and sister decided they were not going to go to Disneyland today and then later on hmm and hawed enough that I asked hubby to take them there so they could leave the car seat in the car. Took him two hours to get there and 1 hour to get back. I am starting to worry that I am just too damn nice at the expense of myself. I have hardly seen my husband since mom came and then we ended up only having a couple of hours to run some errands before he had to head back out the door.

I am so frustrated.. I need a joint.. My muscles are all sore, not sure if it is the stress or the cold that I have, either way I feel like shit and would like to be able to relax and zone out for a while. What a girl to do though..

ocassionally I smile

Image

Today has been a better day then the last few weeks, I am not feeling hopeless or sad, in fact I might even say I feel hopeful. I decided to approach my shrink about the ECT on my appointment and I hope she will go for it. At this point it seems like the best option for me. If not I will just find someone who is willing to do it.

Thank you whoever reads this, it keeps me accountable and makes me want to post each day. That also helps me keep track of my moods. I’ll post more on ECT and maybe some links tomorrow but today I am going out into the sun and enjoy what is left of the afternoon! 🙂

Damn Mood Swings

I really would love, looove a day where my mood is my own. I am having such a rapid succession of different moods with no causes..  Depressed for a week, Happy and outgoing for a day and today I woke up pissed at the world.  Seriously how about a little hypomania.. I mean sure the last time I did that I filled two credit cards but at least I was happy about everything, the world was in bloom the sky was all shades of awesome and I didn’t feel like a fat ugly overaged woman..

I’ve tried every antidepressant there is and I’m getting tired. So tired. I am going to talk to my shrink about ECT, it seems like a good idea to me to be honest, specially if it works. It doesn’t help that she has misdiagnosed me as BP Nos, why my old one diagnosed with with BP1.. Even that is making me so pissed off I want to throw something through something else.

ARGGHHHHHHH! Why can’t I just WAKE UP HAPPY?!?!?

My life is good, a lot of people would consider themselves lucky, today I can’t find anything lucky about it.

Meh enough bitching, thanks for listening.