The doctor doesn’t want me taking clonazepam before my treatments so I didn’t take any today. It was hard but I managed to go to the grocery store unmedicated.
Mostly I felt disassociated. You know that wonderful sense of unreality. It get worse as my depression gets worse and I fucking hate it. Feels like I am tripping balls when I am on nothing at all. I have to constantly ask someone if they are seeing or hearing what I am.
The depression is pretty bad right now. I suppose that should be a good thing since they are going to be treating me for it. I’ll get a true gauge of improvement.
I’m tired, I’m sore, I’m paranoid, I’m withdrawn and I’m hopefully going to get fix. That’s going to keep me going for now.
I missed my last therapy session even though I love my therapist, this week I am thinking of skipping again, it just seems to require so much energy and I don’t feel like putting on a face for my mom in law.
I went and got my EKG and my blood work and I get my first ECT session on Friday, then every Monday, weds, Friday until it does what it is supposed to do, likely 6-12 sessions, then maintenance if it works. I’m thrilled and terrified but looking forward to it.
I do have some kind of stomach bug which is making it hard for me to do any real writing, I apologize for the shortness of my blog.
Today was eventful. I woke up at 6:00am for some freeking reason and needless to say I was stressed. One of my dogs threw up like a ton of food which made me gag the entire time cleaning up and then I went back to bed after doing some other cleaning around here.
When I went to sleep I had nightmares about someone who really abused me in many ways for many years, when I dream of him I usually am super stressed. I think everyone has one of those dreams ya know? It did help me figure out a lot of stuff.
I realized that while I am stressed about good stuff, I am also stressed about bad stuff. My BFF is ill. my daughter is practically living on the streets and jobless and my sister in law is going through a divorce. I’m not sure I’m coming to terms with everything but realizing they are there helps I suppose.
I nt to the therapist and shrinks and had a good session, found out that my paper work is getting sent out to the ECT place the beginning of next week, which is awesome! I also picked out all the stuff for my house, even the grout, seriously never even thought about that before.
Tonight something weird happened. I was doing something and all of a sudden my left nipple started hurting, like it’s still aching. I haven’t had a mammogram in three years so I suppose it is time for me to go and get it done. I will need to get a cab, I have no one to take me to these damn appts.
I’m not gonna stress it is likely nothing, right? I’m not really asking but I will work it out. Anyhow, ya.
Nothing feels right. The whole world feels kind of like a rally stupid movie that I am not rally a part of.
Things are not turning out like I had planned. We are in our third week here and all we’ve done is sort of pick things out for a house we are going to be moving into in 6-7 months time.
I thought come Halloween we would be settled into some cut little house with a fenced yard and be starting to decorate.
I’m glad we are having a house built for us, but at the same time I feel a lot of disconcerntment. I am used to a lot of time alone with my husband and now I get pretty much zero unless we leave the house or are in the bedroom.
I am even missing my computer at least then I would be distracted, maybe we can get them out of storage. I’ll ask Jim. Something’s got to give and I prefer it not be me.
I had to give up the beta blockers because apparently it was helping this depressive state get down right unbearable. Like depression is ever bearable but I could barely move last night or today. Right now I still want to curl up and hide.
I’m not going to though. At least not today. Tomorrow may be different, who knows.
It’s so hard to believe that I am looking forward to someone shocking my brain even at the risk of losing some potential memories just to not feel like this anymore. I can’t wait though. Time needs to move at a better pace.
So today was an amazing day! 🙂 First off the shrink was amazing, she just gave me some additional medication to help with my social anxiety (propranolol). She also thought that ECT is a great option for me and is going to get that all set up. She wants to deal with the anxiety first because in her words, she wants to make sure I show for the ECT appts. I agree with her on that.
The appt with the therapist also went really well, we talked about my insecurities and where that may stem from and how my negative thoughts were now habit because my husband really hasn’t done anything to make any of them a fact.
It’s funny my BFF talks about creating habits and what I need to start doing it breaking them. That should be interesting. I look forward to it a lot.
The other great thing that happened is we can start moving forward in getting out house built. We start the process on Saturday!!! I am so thrilled. It was nice to have a good day for a change.
Also I went out for lunch and I went out for dinner and went into the pharmacy alone. I rocked it.
I’ve found myself depressed for the last 3 days. One of the reasons is I am incredibly stressed out. My husband and I talked both last night and today about the ECT. I thought I had decided to wait until we went to Omaha, it seemed logical. I am sure there is emotional reasons for putting it off as well. My husband thinks I am afraid it won’t work. I suppose that’s true.
Today he offered to talk to his work and I made an appt. for the consultation tomorrow to see if we could do it before we left. I thought it might be ideal. However then I started questioning myself. Am I doing it because I want to do it or because I want him to stay here in CA with me. I honestly don’t know.
We went out to the Marina to lay in the sun and take my daily pictures when I posed these questions to him. I have a very hard time expressing myself emotionally and right now I don’t know what to do. So I am going to wait. I’m going to do nothing.
I don’t want him to leave but I am under so much stress with the move and other things that my body is telling me to chill the fuck out. I think I will. Him leaving isn’t going to be joyful by any means but I don’t want to settle on ECT now and somehow regret it later for doing it for the wrong reasons.
Ya I am mostly also being a chicken shit. I think that under these circumstances it’s ok. I don’t like being pressured and that is what I am feeling on all sides. It’s not good for my health. The option to do it once we moved seems like the best thing for me right now. This way my husband will be able to stay with me on the days I get it done when we move home. Here it would have been harder.
While it might seem like I am arguing with myself with this blog, I’m not. Maybe I am. I just know that I think it’s best to wait for whatever reasons I’m not ready now.
My husband says all my posts on my writing blog have been negative as of late. Maybe they seem negative but they are really just realistic. He is an optimist, one of the few things that annoys me. I am bipolar I see black and white, I don’t see grey. Things will either be good or bad not in between. The days I have to write meh, are annoying.
I’ve decided to put off the ECT until after the move. It was stressing me out and my husband has to go on a business trip which would be likely right in the middle of treatment. I don’t want to resent him. I most certainly would. I am going to have everything set up so I can get it done when I get home. It also gives me some time to do more research. I could talk to them about it but I like having a lot of questions.
I admit it is scary though, reading the side effects. I’m not worry about what they are doing, but I am scared of death. I know the stats are low, but I need to work past it. Am I using my husband as an excuse, I kind of wish I was but it honestly wouldn’t work. I’m frustrated as I wish they had of called a month before. It could have made all the difference in the world. Now I have to wait.
I am bitchy today, I haven’t been out of the house yet and I am extremely antsy. I have no place to go but I sure as fuck don’t want to be here. I don’t know how many times I have stated that I HATE this apartment.
So despite all my fears about the way things would go, I ended up going to the new shrink.
Actually when I woke up this morning I had actually planned to not go. I was scared and I was tired and frankly I just didn’t want to deal with anything ya know?
Funnily enough though my best friend happened to be on AIM this morning and told me all these things I needed to get the courage to at least drive there. She is truly amazing. I wish we lived in the same state, I think we would be so good for one another. Unless she comes to Omaha I know that will never happen so I realize that I am fortunate to have had a friend who actually gives and shit and doesn’t let me pull any of the stuff I do on hubby to get out of doing what I don’t want to. She always thinks I am stronger than I am. She see’s me in a whole different light then most people and when she said I could do it this morning. Well I couldn’t let her be wrong could I?
I decided to do something I have avoided until now. Even when they brought it up I tried to argue the point but after hearing some things about it I am going to be trying Lithium. I know there are a lot of bad things people say and I also know there are a lot of good things. Apparently even though it is the oldest Bipolar Drug, it is still the most successful. On top of that I am going to be seeing an ECT doc and seeing how much they think it will help and hopefully in four weeks or so I’ll be going along that path.
It scares me but I have been saying no to this drug for years and I think it is time I finally gave it a shot. I think I might actually be pissed if the Lithium works cause that would mean I let one person’s reaction to it completely darken my opinion of it. I start tonight! I’ll be weaning myself off my Lamictal this week and staying on the Viibryd for now until the ETC guys and the lithium are in a place they are happy with. They want me to start seeing a therapist for my Borderline Personality Disorder. So I am glad that the doctors actually see what is there when I am not hiding behind a façade.
I’m proud of myself for a change.
*Now a quick rant which is not related to the above at all*
I always talk about how great my husband is. I tell this to well to everyone. He has problems just like everyone else. He’s a slob. He doesn’t like doing outdoorsy stuff. He can’t really fix things. He does stupid ass things that piss me off so much that I don’t even want to talk. Usually by pissed off I mean hurt. Today we got home from the doctors and I went to do something for a few minutes and I come back into the computer room and there’s this chick in a bikini on his screen. I am still not talking to him and it’s a couple hours later. He knows how shitty I feel about myself. We have rules in the house because of it. Like no porn (that one he brought on himself). No looking at naked and scantily clad females or men, I don’t look either.
The fact we are not having sex at the moment really doesn’t help, it just makes me feel like if he does a little slip, won’t it be a big slip next? I’m probably overreacting but I’ll decide that when I am done being hurt and decide to talk to him about it.