Month: December 2014

Offensive Comments are Frustrating

Maybe it is just me but I am sensitive when it comes to my bipolarity and depression. While I can appreciate that everyone suffers differently from it I don’t like to hear any of the following sentences.

“She is sicker than you.”
“Their depression is harder on them then yours is.”
“They’ve tried to kill themselves more than you.”
“They’ve had to be hospitalized.”

I just find it so offensive that someone thinks they know what I am going through cause some fucking movie star starts telling their story of bipolarity.

My mother in law often compares my illness to that of Catherine zeta Jones and it pisses me off. I hide the way I feel from everyone but my husband, so I am so incredibly hurt when she says things like that. I don’t know what to do about her insensitivity. Right now I am just sitting here stewing over it. Which honestly helps no one. Yet I know that I can’t say anything to her about it because of the kind of person she is.

Argh.

Holiday Anxiety

As I’ve said in previous posts I often have a lot of depression and anxiety during the holidays. So far this year has been a little easier than most others. I’m not sure if it is medication or family or learning to accept the way things are.

My mood has pretty good today. Two in a row, that’s certainly something. I am not sure if the medication is working already or I’m just being lucky. I do consider 2 days in a row lucky regardless. I usually have many days in a row of depression then 1-5 days of mania with one or two hypo-manic days.

I love the hypo-manic days as it gives me a chance to catch up on all the stuff I get behind on when I am depressed.

I am really hoping that these holidays are better than they have been in the past and that going forward my meds work to get rid of the depression that is lurking just outside of my vision.

Hubby Home Sick

Today my husband came home early after a day of throwing up at work. Poor baby. It’s impossible for me to care for him since there is nothing I can do. It’s frustrating. I want him to feel better.

My mood is right in the middle. I’m actually not feeling that well myself, I have a feeling the stomach bug is making it’s rounds again. Yay. It’s hard to tell if it is my mood or circumstance. That’s the funny things with moods.

Makes for a not in the mood to do anything even write my blog kind of thing. It’s even more important to write those days I think. This is good reinforced behaviour. I am still thinking about what I am gonna start as a year long habit come nerw years. Like a resolution but something that sticks. haha.

Better Somewhat Today

I think that I am doing better today. I don’t have that evil little ball of rage eating my stomach up.

Last night to take care of it I had a couple margerita’s at dinner, it helped mellow me out. I can see how easy it would be to become an alcholic, I could do it easily. I know that it makes things better for a short time. So I drink a little more than normal during the holidays.

BTW for those saying lighten up. That is not something that comes naturally to me and when someone owes you 5000 dollars and then pushes you around passive agressively while spending money on crap and not making an effort to pay you back at all. I lost my feeling grateful when all that shit went down. I feel how I feel. WE never ever put her out and do all her little hints that we can to make sure she is happy. It gets to be a little much.

Okay maybe that ball is still there but it isn’t raising my blood pressure and making my eye tick anymore which is something.

I can’t wait until we get our own place so I know which feeling are natural and which are bipolar. It’s impossible to tell at the moment. All I know it most days I am depressed or angry. I didn’t want to waste my therapy money on it so now I just vent to hubby and hope for the best.

Hopefully the med increase will help calm me down.

I Do Not Like My MIL today

Yesterday I was in a really great mood. I was happy and wanted to continue this mood, it was making me look forward to the holidays in my little prison here. Yet that had to change.

Last night the voice finale was on as was the finale for ink master. We watched the first hour of the voice then switched over to tattoo nightmare. Everyone was ok with this. Near the end of the hour MIL got impatient and went upstairs to find out the voice winner then came down and told us who it was.. let’s put it this way never watching that show again..

Anyhoo.. the news came on after all this shit and i asked if anyone was going to watch the news since I’ve been advised by my therapist to not watch it as it really affects my moods. Normally we just don’t so I was hoping I could put on something happier. Then I am sure just to be a bitch went, ya I’m watching it.

So I said fine I’m going to bed. I was hoping hubby would join me but he waited 30 mins which made my mind start to wander and become angrier and hate filled. I’m sure she heard me call her a fucking bitch through our door last night and I don’t care.

This is the only TV I can watch actual televsion on, she has one in her room that is hooked up to cable. If she didn’t want to watch ink master she could have said something.. she didn’t have to be a fucking snot..

anyhow, today my mood is still pissy. I feel like she ruined my happy and am not sure how to get it back causwe I just want to slap her in the face and say stop being so fucking selfish all the time.. ugh.

I mean she is like this with everything, she gave us every single thing we had around the house to stuff into the room, cause she doesn’t like sharing her space. We’re like prisoners that are allowed out to watch tv occasionally. it’s painful.

AUGH!

Work and Erections

When I’m talking about work, I’m talking about my husbands employment and when I am talking about erections I’m talking about my husbands erection.

I don’t get in the mood very often thanks to a hysterectomy and being myself etc etc. When I am in the mood every few weeks I expect hubby to be standing at attention and ready.

When we first got together and I was hypersexual he would have this same issue. He gets worried about work and can’t function. I don’t hold it against him anymore but I used to be a real bitch about it.

Still it is very hard on my tiny ego, I worry that he isn’t attracted to this or that. I have a very fragile tiny ego and it doesn’t take much to hurt my feelings. Yet this has been going on for 14 years and I can handle it much better than I used to.

I’m not saying my feelings are not hurt, just that I know it’s completely unintentional and he already feels bad enough about it. Yet I had to post on the blog to try and get rid of the hurt and not take it out on him. We’ve talked it through.

I know he is stressed about the house and looking after me, that’s a lot of pressure for one person. I’m glad we never had a child to make it worse.. anyhow that’s how I’m feeling today.. hurt but just a little below the surface.

Let It Rain

It’s been raining non stop since yesterday and it’s like a cathartic rain cleaning away my holiday humbugs. My mother in law is decorating the house and burning holiday scented canadles and it is making me look forward to Chritmas instead of dreading it like I always do.

Honestly there is some deep buried thing that makes holidays for us and as soon as I move into my home I will go back to the therapist. Always end up complaining about living here and it solves nothing.

I sent out cards to my family this year which I haven’t done in years. Even to my father who really has nothing to do with my life and my grandparents whom I miss very much.

Do you love or dread the holidays? How does it affect your mental illness? I’d love to hear. that I am not the only one that is affects.image

So Wiggly

I havent been able to sit still for two days. Today I was fortunate enough to get out of the house, hit some stores and visit the house. Yesterday I kept trying to find things around the house to do and was going fucking bonkers unable to find one thing to really do. I mean there was a lot to do, but nothing I could really sit down and do, I was way to antsy.

I hate when I am like this, it is the best time for me to create but as I said I am unable to paint anymore and my photoshop is on my computer in storage. I simply can’t yet get access to these things. I have all sorts of things packed. Jewellery making stuff, arts and crafts, computer stuff and more. All of which I have no access to. *sigh*

MIL is giving me even more of our stuff to put in out tiny little bedroom and it’s angering me. I feel so shoved off into the corner with no room to breathe.

Being able to breathe is important. Being able to live even more so. It doesn’t feel like I am doing either very well at the moment.

I want to find one of those spinning things that are in childrens parks and lay on my back and spin until I throw up, cause maybe then my brain will shut up and stop spinning on it’s own.

I Can See

Today we went and got my glasses they were finally done. Things look weird like I am drunk but that will pass after a while.

Today we went out to the house and they are installing drywall which is so awesome. It’s nice to see the house heading towards being finished.

My mood has been up and down today, I have had a lot of anxiety and I don’t feel really well. I hate it when my tummy has issues. It makes the anxiety so much worse.

MIL is in the holiday spirit and is hanging christmas stuff all over the house, it’s really nice. It makes me wish that I didnt have such a hard time with this time of year and could just enjoy it. I’m certainly going to try and have some good times..

Trying is the first step to doing.

So Frustrating

I love my husband, he is warm, funny and handsome man who puts up with all my shit. In the mornings though I want to strangle him. His alarm wakes me up several times as he hits snooze. Then as he leaves he wakes me again to ask how he looks. I always have a problem going back to sleep but then he goes down and talks to his mom for 20 mins while he plays on the computer. I can hear them talking it gets my paranoia going like crazy.

It’s like this most weekday mornings and today I just blew up at him because of it. I hate weaking up before my body wants me too, it makes me cranky for the whole day and I get so hurt he doesn’t stay and talk to me.

I know it is completely irrational.  That doesn’t stop it from happening though. I feel sorry for the poor guy. I’m glad he tolerates me. Living with a bipolar is a really hard job. I don’t know that if it were reversed I would be so damn good natured about everything.

I’m a lucky woman.