A short tale or me and. My BFF, too tired to post.
It’s Gonna Be A Week
Today was a restful day. After crying for many hours last night I seemed to have gotten some of the emotional build up out. I also had some nightmares. I am really looking forward to this upcoming weekend with my husband but first it will be a hectic week.
Tomorrow I am just cleaning the house but will also be calling and arranging my ECT appointment. I imagine this one will be a meet and greet and physical type one.
Tuesday I go for my breast exam and mammogram which I hope turns out to be nothing.
Wednesday there will be some furniture guys delivering a new dresser, no one will be here but me and I’m not really that comfortable with it but it is necessary.
Thursday I go to see my therapist and by that point I will most certainly need it. Plus I imagine mom and I will do lunch and some shopping!
Friday we finish the final bits of our contract and pay the rest of the money for the house to be started. Plus we head out of the hotel afterwards it will be nice!
I am looking forward to doing nothing but honestly I likely will go out and explore.
I just wish keeping busy kept my brain quiet, then it would be perfect.
I’m Just A Mess
I’m over sensitive I am crying at the drop of the hat and I don’t feel like posting.
Turns out I missed a call from the ECT people yesterday and now I have to wait until Monday.. So fucking frustrated don’t even want to post..
I mean fuck!
I’m depressed, I’m stressed and I’m fucking impatient. Stupid.
I did take some cute pics today though, I had moments of happiness.. just me and hubby being silly in nature.
Somethings Abreast at the Circle Foot
but seriously..
Today I got everything arranged to get my breast exam and mammogram. They have 3D imaging now so that there is less likely hood of me having to have a biopsy for a cyst again. That hurt like hell. Tuesday I should at least know something I hope.
This weekend I am just going to pick out rock siding and paints for our house so that Friday we are done with everything and they can start building the house. I can barely wait.
Emotionally today was not bad except for the anxiety about my breast and there is really nothing i can do until a doctor can cop a feel, so I am gonna not worry too much about it.
I spent most of the day by myself which was weird but good but boring. It will definitely take some getting used to again. It was nice was MIL came home and we went out and did some shopping together.
Then i cooked us an awesome dinner of rib eye steaks, crab stuffed mushrooms and grill asparagus, low carb is definitely nummy and I’ve lost 5 pounds so far.
Nothing exciting going on though at least for now.
Home Pieces
Today was eventful. I woke up at 6:00am for some freeking reason and needless to say I was stressed. One of my dogs threw up like a ton of food which made me gag the entire time cleaning up and then I went back to bed after doing some other cleaning around here.
When I went to sleep I had nightmares about someone who really abused me in many ways for many years, when I dream of him I usually am super stressed. I think everyone has one of those dreams ya know? It did help me figure out a lot of stuff.
I realized that while I am stressed about good stuff, I am also stressed about bad stuff. My BFF is ill. my daughter is practically living on the streets and jobless and my sister in law is going through a divorce. I’m not sure I’m coming to terms with everything but realizing they are there helps I suppose.
I nt to the therapist and shrinks and had a good session, found out that my paper work is getting sent out to the ECT place the beginning of next week, which is awesome! I also picked out all the stuff for my house, even the grout, seriously never even thought about that before.
Tonight something weird happened. I was doing something and all of a sudden my left nipple started hurting, like it’s still aching. I haven’t had a mammogram in three years so I suppose it is time for me to go and get it done. I will need to get a cab, I have no one to take me to these damn appts.
I’m not gonna stress it is likely nothing, right? I’m not really asking but I will work it out. Anyhow, ya.
Better or Worse?
Things were better today though I am a bundle of hyped up emotions. I managed to make it through most of the day without completely freaking out. Mostly anyhow.
Hubby and I went to for a two mile walk at this man made lake that was really nice. Neither of us were dressed for it and we got super hot! Afterwards we sent shopping at Target.
I don’t know what came over me, I ended up buying a bunch of stuff that I really didn’t need, then felt horribly guilty about. This caused me to be tense and when hubby said something like when I get stressed out I get controlling, I try to control the thing that I am stressed out about. This made me yell then cry but ultimately he is correct.
I am trying to relax and just enjoy the good things but it is so hard for me. Ugh.
I am trying to eat healthier, I am losing weight, we are getting a home, we are going to have a wonderful life, I a, getting ECT. Things are good. Good dammit.
Things Kind Of Suck
Things are just tense. My husband and I are constantly bickering. I mean honestly I think he is just doing stupid ass shit and pissing me off. Then when I get angry he gets all defensive and hurts my feelings and ,I get angrier.
Seriously we never fight. Even the stuff we are fighting over is absolutely ridiculous.
It’s stressful to say the least. We are going to be going away for the weekend the weekend after this upcoming one. I think I might not blog for two days and just enjoy some time with my husband.
That will be pretty hard for me to do though. I need to connect with my man though. We still haven’t had sex and we just aren’t spending time together and when we are it is in bed at night, going to the store or maybe to get some food. Even sitting here now we are bickering over where to restart a show.
Usually we just are so chill. It’s starting to scare me. 😦 Six months is going to be a very long time if things continue down this path.
Grumpy Pants
I am so damn bitchy. I got up and felt some energy and decided to clean some things but honestly this place is a huge fucking mess and it is really overwhelming.
I cleaned a few things my bitchy yorkies tried to attack me a few times and by then I was so flipping angry I could punch something cute.
Hubby came home and we went out to dinner to celebrate the good fortune we have been having but I just felt on edge as if waiting for the evil hammer of shiftiness to fall and got grumpier.
Sometimes I think I am just a bitch, I dunno maybe tomorrow will be better but for now I am gonna take some benedryl and try to slip into sleep so I can just stop trying to deal.
Fuck.
A Long Day
This morning my mother in law suggests that we go to this place called egg and I for breakfast. It was ok, nothing spectacular. I had to send my orange juice back because there was shit stuck on the outside, like old egg or something.
Then we took her out to see the lot we bought and we toured the model again. We drove around the town checking out an outlet mall, a car show and the towns days. Like a mini fair.
After that I went to pier one and I was giddy, I didn’t buy anything but I swear that thinking about decorating made my panties wet. Ha!
After that e went to lunch, mom in law was starting to get crabby and brought my mood down, so I drank a tall beer and we got our food to go, eating them promptly falling into a deep nap.
It was nice to have a very busy day and not think. I think that is what I really need to do because if I ha to much time to myself I get sick and depressed.
Plus I want to keep on my new diet that I started. I don’t want surgery unless it is really necessary, I think I can do it myself. I hope. Trying to think more positively.
Some Good Stuff
Today we went and signed the contract for our new home. I took some pictures of the model home we are getting a copy made of. The decor will be different but the layout will be the same. Enjoy the pics!
A Bipolars Reality 