Today I finished off the last of my weed and I’m not going to buy anymore until I see if the meds the doctor are adjusting are actually going to help or not. I also gave up drinking alcohol. Gonna take this with my own brain.
I have to admit I’m a little scared. I love being able to zone out and listen to music and just not think about anything.
Now my classic whatif’s will start. Let see how tomorrow turns out for starters.
I always get a feeling of dread on Sunday. I start thinking about all the time I will be spending alone the next week before the weekend comes. I honestly live for the weekend and than I don’t even do anything with them
All I’ve been doing is listening to music and pulling into myself. Not sure why, but you can tell all the music I am listening to has kind negative feelings though sometimes they are super upbeat songs. They just remind me of how I feel sometimes.
I need to grab hubby and do something.. I’m gonna do that now.
Today I have been in an ok mood. Not super happy, but definitely not depressed.
I’m still feeling very unmotivated. I don’t want to do anything but get high and listen to music.
I think that’s what I’ll do with my evening.
Typically my day consists of sleeping until noon and then watching the same 3 shows every since afternoon. It kills time until hubby gets home and sort of keeps me busy.
Weekends are much harder. Hubby is here but he wants to do things on his computer and shows that I have no interest in. I’d be fine with that if weekend TV didn’t suck when it’s not football season.
My house is a freaking mess. I need to clean it but am so unmotivated to do anything physical.
My shrink wants me to take my latuda and 2mg of Xanax first thing in the morning, it’s made me kind of sleepy feeling all day but I’m also restless. It’s a very strange feeling.
I watched DeadPool with my hubby and could not sit still for more than a minute, it’s driving me crazy.
Today I am angry. I woke up and felt so anxious that I screamed at the top of my lungs scaring the shit out of my poor dogs. It helped a little I suppose.
Most of the day has just been spent on the web trying to find things that might make me smile or laugh.
I love animal pictures and stories. You know the happy ones. Of course I came across some sad ones that were also happy, you know like a dog getting abandoned and then getting rescued by some kind souls.
I almost hate people who hurt animals. They fucking love us with everything, we should treat them as good as they were our own children. The fact that people can be like that just makes me wonder if the world wouldn’t be better if all the humans were gone.
I’m angry that my mind has so much control over me. I mean I know it controls everything but I’m talking about those voices that constantly talk in our heads. I’d like my brain to give me an atta girl once in a while, would be nice.
I plan on being 2 more days without weed. It has made no difference other than I can’t eat as much and since I am losing weight I would like to keep going. I am over 50 pounds down now. I guess that is an accomplishment. Would be much better if I could stop hating myself.
Blech
I woke up this morning feeling slightly better physically but my brain is being a real asshole. I had 3 panic attacks in 2 hours. I honestly thought that I would be able to get past all that. When I was non medicated I didn’t have as many panic attacks. In fact most days I was able to go out and do something, somewhere.
I did take my dogs outside and walked to the mailbox. So something was accomplished today.
I’m so afraid all the time, it’s so tiring.
I’m starting to care about some things again. The first being my health, both mental and physical. I’m nervous about visiting my shrink but I know that I need adjustments. I also need to make an appt for my yearly physical.
Prince died today and it freaked me out. The whole flu like symptoms thing covers so much. Add an anxiety attack and bam I’m gonna die. My mind goes there fast. Anyone else have a brain that goes to the worst possible outcome?
I find that I am pacing a lot. I want to do things but have no idea what to do or where to start most of the time. Too many options is almost as bad as none at times. Least I am getting exercise lol.
I cancelled it for the most part. I called it off with my mom in law because she has been really negative lately and I need positivity around me when I am not feeling well.
I’ve played some games today just a bit at a time and am working on another painting. I should post some pics of some of my more recent paintings. I like to hear what people think and I know I am no artist so I don’t mind if people don’t like it.
I’ve been stressing about my shrink appt next week, then I finally said to myself.”Hey, it’s over a week, chill a little.”
I need to seriously chill and shut my brain up. It is constant and it is daunting.
I’m starting to have some interest in things again. I play about 5 MMORPG’s and have had no want or need to go into them at all for the past few months. Now I’m starting to feel it a little bit again. It’s nice to feel something about something that isn’t super sad or boring sounding.
Today I am in an okay mood. Not super up but definitely an improvement. Gotta take each not depressed day as best as I can, even if I am not up for much I guess.
I have an alarm that goes off every day to remind me to do my blog. Some days I don’t need it but apparently yesterday I did because I forgot to write. I’ll try not to beat myself up over it. It’s only one day.
Today I don’t really have much to write about honestly. Not much going on. The allergens are so bad right now that my head feels like a swollen balloon! Least my headache seems to be lighter than the one I had yesterday.
I’m not depressed today but I’m not exactly happy either cause I feel kind of crappy. Hard to be happy about that. I can smile though and laugh at things so that is definitely heading in the right direction.
A Bipolars Reality 