mil

So Wiggly

I havent been able to sit still for two days. Today I was fortunate enough to get out of the house, hit some stores and visit the house. Yesterday I kept trying to find things around the house to do and was going fucking bonkers unable to find one thing to really do. I mean there was a lot to do, but nothing I could really sit down and do, I was way to antsy.

I hate when I am like this, it is the best time for me to create but as I said I am unable to paint anymore and my photoshop is on my computer in storage. I simply can’t yet get access to these things. I have all sorts of things packed. Jewellery making stuff, arts and crafts, computer stuff and more. All of which I have no access to. *sigh*

MIL is giving me even more of our stuff to put in out tiny little bedroom and it’s angering me. I feel so shoved off into the corner with no room to breathe.

Being able to breathe is important. Being able to live even more so. It doesn’t feel like I am doing either very well at the moment.

I want to find one of those spinning things that are in childrens parks and lay on my back and spin until I throw up, cause maybe then my brain will shut up and stop spinning on it’s own.

I Can See

Today we went and got my glasses they were finally done. Things look weird like I am drunk but that will pass after a while.

Today we went out to the house and they are installing drywall which is so awesome. It’s nice to see the house heading towards being finished.

My mood has been up and down today, I have had a lot of anxiety and I don’t feel really well. I hate it when my tummy has issues. It makes the anxiety so much worse.

MIL is in the holiday spirit and is hanging christmas stuff all over the house, it’s really nice. It makes me wish that I didnt have such a hard time with this time of year and could just enjoy it. I’m certainly going to try and have some good times..

Trying is the first step to doing.

I Feel Like I’m In A Prison

I’m writing this while I sit at my UV lamp hoping to get some relief from this damn depression. This morning I thought about suicide, ways to get the relief I needed but then I remembered Jim and that I need to keep going for him.,

My mother in law has been grabbing all my stuff from around the house and bagging it up. My room is like a ittle prison. Filled with more and more stuff and less stuff allowed out around the house. This house is gigantic and she is a seriously messy person so having a few of my things sitting around weren’t hurting her at all. Yet she is territorial. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here. If not I’m afraid our relationship will fail. I don’t have a lot of strength right now.

We won’t know anything until January about when we can move into the house. It feels so far away and everything is so painful and sad.

I am so incredibly lonely. I sit here day in and day out waiting for my husband to come home. I suppose I could clean for the mother in law, but honestly it is disgusting and I don’t want to touch most of it.

She’s almost a hoarder, not quite but close.

I’m not much of a house cleaner myself but I will hire someone to clean for me so my home never gets like this. Plus I think that living here has given me a newfound respect for cleanliness. It is almosts making me a germaphobe. My hands are dried out from cleaning them constantly. Yet I only can manage to pull myself into the shower once a week. I’m a hypocrite,. Yet it’s my own dirt.

I am hoping that the house is done sooner rather than later, but that is still in the early weeks of February. I hope I can keep from going insane or saying something I regret over the next few months. Sometimes a hospital stay seems like it would be a nice break and that’s downright sad.

Bad and Good News

Today we got some new that can be taken either good or bad. My mother in law has decided not to purchase the house. I’m sad that she won’t be living next door but I am slightly relieved because I am not going to be stressing out over whether or not the dominoes will land perfectly for her to get the house and not lose the money she would put down at her contract signing.

I was just talking to my therapist yesterday about it and she said not to worry as it was not my fault if things didn’t work out. Yet it has been worrying at my brain since she started the whole she-bang. Needless to say I feel like an anvil has been lifted from my shoulders.

I feel bad that I feel relieved but honestly at some point I need to stop worrying and stop feeling bad and just be damned happy. I deserve to be happy.

This will make enjoying this celebratory weekend all that much better. Woot!

Ce-ment Pond

I was thrilled when we went out to visit the foundation today. They had our porch, garage and basement were all poured and the men were making it all smooth and cool.

Mom seems insecure about buying her home now. It makes me wonder if she is going to go through with her. I honestly worry that maybe our wanting her there has pushed her into doing something she isnt ready for.

Hubby is going to talk to her to make sure she doesnt lose too much money if she feels she would rather stay here in the house on the lake.

I just want her to be happy and we live close enough that holidays and visits arent a big deal.

I am happy right now. I cheated a little on my diet today but I got a candy bar that is only available in Canada and I am going to enjoy it! Plus I’ve lost 2.6 pounds. Go me!

Positivity Isn’t Always Good

I’ve been trying to be positive for days. I think it might have been a mistake. I was pushing down the negative feelings that I was having. The depression, the anger everything.

Last night I told my mom in law she could come stay with us but the cats would have to stay somewhere else. I’m really allergic to them. I thought that was that. Hours later she said what I thought was, you really wouldnt let the cats move in. To which I said no, the cats make me sick. Apparently I heard her wrong and she had asked, You really wouldn’t let ‘me’ move in with the cats. I inadvertently hurt her feelings. It broke my heart.

I went on a massive manic rant after she went upstairs upset and said horrific things to my husband, accusing him of not standing up for me and saying maybe I should just kill myself and he and his mom could have the house. This rant went on for an hour and it was ugly.

Eventually things calmed down and I couldn’t stop crying. I had hurt someone I loved. I don’t like most people let alone give my love to someone. I panicked not knowing what to do to fix it. I wanted to move out to our own apartment I wanted to run.

Jim told me that I could just send a text to his mom explaining the confusion so I did so this morning. I havent heard from her and she is staying at my sister in-laws for the next 4 nights. A long time to keep things festering. Jim says everything will be fine now. I mean he knows his mom. Yet I still feel heart-broken and have no courage to call her. I am a coward.

I Hate Weekdays

When Monday comes around I get lonely, I get sad. This happens almost every week without fail. If hubby is home then it doesn’t. It’s pretty simple.

The fact that it’s been raining since last night doesn’t help. I have yet to buy a UV lamp and there hasn’t really been any sun. Yet I walked outside forgetting that it was a gov’t holiday enjoying the fresh crisp air and smell of decaying vegetation. I found something positive in a negative.

My mother in law didn’t get her loan approval so she wont be moving next door. I have to admit I am pretty sad about it. A legitimate reason to be sad. I can’t think of a way for it to work now. She could sell her house first but then she needs somewhere to live until the new one is built. I can’t take the cats and bird in. She has no where for them to go. Plus another 7 months of not being alone with my husband.

Some things are just not meant to happen I guess.

I’m going to try to not let it get me down. However it is during the week and keeping myself up is already hard.

I must keep my eye on the positives.

The positives are that my house building is moving forward. My marriage is strong and healthy. My mental health is getting better. I am looking toward the future instead of dreading it.

I’m alive, I’m healthy and can healthier. Life is good, even if my moods are the top most, my life can still be good.

Creating and Complaining

I am absolutely cranky every day until I get out of the house. Once out my mood is lifted and I am in a good mood for rest of the day.
We went to Michael’s and I got some pencils and a few mores brushes for creating on my canvas’. I’m excited to start working on them.

My mom in law is thinking of moving out into a home that is the same model as the one that we will live in. It will be interesting to see how we each decorate our homes. We re both very different. She is even considering a lot right next door. You would think that it would bother me but I think it would be kind of cool. Would make holidays a breeze :D.. Ooh we could do an amazing two lawn Halloween decoration.

Tomorrow is therapy, I look forward to it a great deal and even my weekly lunch with my mom in law. Also we meet with the builders for our home, woot. I am so excited.

Hopefully tomorrow I don’t wake up cranky again. However it seems to be the norm. C’est la Vie.

Somethings Abreast at the Circle Foot

but seriously..

Today I got everything arranged to get my breast exam and mammogram. They have 3D imaging now so that there is less likely hood of me having to have a biopsy for a cyst again. That hurt like hell. Tuesday I should at least know something I hope.

This weekend I am just going to pick out rock siding and paints for our house so that Friday we are done with everything and they can start building the house. I can barely wait.

Emotionally today was not bad except for the anxiety about my breast and there is really nothing i can do until a doctor can cop a feel, so I am gonna not worry too much about it.

I spent most of the day by myself which was weird but good but boring. It will definitely take some getting used to again. It was nice was MIL came home and we went out and did some shopping together.

Then i cooked us an awesome dinner of rib eye steaks, crab stuffed mushrooms and grill asparagus, low carb is definitely nummy and I’ve lost 5 pounds so far.

Nothing exciting going on though at least for now.