Depression

Depression Day Two

Today we went out to look at the house and because I was depressed it just didn’t make me happy. After the house we went out to lunch and I could barely eat.  I had a bacon burger with bacon baked in and I couldn’t eat it. Food tasted blah.

I’m still not feeling 100%, I am fighting the urge to go to bed. I want to go because I am tired not because I am sad.

I did a painting today though that I rather liked so that is a bright spot in my day.

I feel like I jinxed myself by telling my shrink that I am doing OK. I mean I woke up the next morning sad and depressed.  WTH really? Why can’t it be a nice and happy for longer?  I have no answers…

Fucking Depressed Again

Last night I started to feel blue. Just a little sad. There was no reason for it so I know my bipolar depression was trying to slam it’s heaad through the door.

Sometimes I can just sleep it off. However this morning I woke up twice as sad and I’m feeling very hopeless. I think I will just go back to bed. I see no reason to be awake and spend all day alone and miserable.

later..

Today I Hate The Sun

It’s hard to believe that this same sun I was enjoying just the day before yesterday is annoying me so much today. I’m sad, I’m having difficulty focusing and am even having a hard time putting word to blog. I hate the depression, I’ve managed to keep it at bay for a little bit but this morning I woke up slammed by sadness. I just want to curl up in bed an cry. I hurt all over and I am fighting going back to bed.

Why do I have to go from one extreme to the other, the weekend was fucking awesome and today sucks huge hairy balls.. fuck it .. I’m going back to bed.

Teetering

I’m sitting on the edge, close to a precipice looking down. There’s one scraggly tree branch to hold on too as I lean forward and back, trying to balance. Trying not to tip over and fall back into the depression which is knocking on my door.

I woke up and felt it immediately. I wanted to go back to sleep to pretend that it wasn’t knocking at the door. Yet I knew I had to get up and face the day.

We’re trapped currently. It has been snowing and our car is rear wheel drive, so as hopefully most of you know it doesn’t travel well in snow or ice. So I’m stuck. Unable to run and do something that might pick up my mood.

There are things on TV that I don’t want to watch , books I don’t want to read and games I don’t want to play. I feel lonely surrounded by people. I hate this feeling so much.

I’m hoping that I can just relax and it will pass. Maybe it will just be a bad day. It’s only half over maybe it could get better. Right?’

Delving Back Into The Deep

I woke up so morose today. I didn’t want to get out of bed and I kept thinking about ways to kill myself. I asked hubby to come home for the afternoon to just be safe.

I feel a little better now that I’ve had a glass of wine or two. I know it’s self medicating but I don’t have a choice at the moment since my shrink is out on maternity leave and I can’t get any help from the office.

I’ve asked twice for an increase in my latuda and havent heard a damn thing one way or another. The depression is way outlasting the good and with all the stress on top of it, it can be downright unbearable.

The thing that keeps me going is that I don’t want to be without my husband. It keeps me from the hospital but it also keeps me from going over the edge and killing myself. I know that is probably also unhealthy but for now it works.

I sent out christmas cards to my family tonight, even my father whom has made very little effort to be in my life. At least I got something accomplished.

Still Fucking Sad

Honestly this depression is becoming a huge pain in the ass. I woke up feeling so bleak. The sky was grey and blechy when I woke up and I felt the same way.

I thought that it might have just been a morning thing. Yet the longer the day went on the more depressed I felt. I tired listening to music and playing games again but this is such a chemical depression that I am finding a really hard time fighting it.

I did go out to visit the house with hubby today which always makes me feel hopeful but I went shopping with my MIL cash in pocket and bought fuck all. I couldn’t even get up the urge to buy. I mean buying is my thing, it’s almost an addiction for me and I couldn’t spend a dollar.

I am really hoping that I hear from the shrink tomorrow about increasing my Latuda it really seems to be one of the few choices I have in front of me. It does work on some level. Having up days seems to make the depression even worse because it’s like seeing the light for the first time and there being a Solar Eclipse a second later. It’s very tiring. I would like to be able to enjoy the holidays, here’s hoping!

 

Music Really

It always amazes me just how much music can lift my mood. A few 80’s songs in the car and even if I am depressed I start singing along with it.

Today my mood was somewhat better. I was kind of in a meh zone. However tonight I turned on my tunes and played one of my games and zoned everything out and I started to feel more positive. The longer I listened though the more I wanted to sing my lungs out.

I grabbed my iphone and usb speaker and hopped in the shower and turned those tunes up even louder and sang my brains out.

I feel like I’ve sat through a couple of therapy sessions. It feels wonderful. I need to remember that before I had a home where I listened to music every single day. Every single day.

Now I live mostly without music and it is apparently affecting my moods as well as everything else that is going on. I need to remember that I will perk up if I am listening to my tunes. Maybe it won’t completely pull me out of a depression but it will help.

Thought About Ending It

Ya that title sounds serious because it is serious. I woke up up so fucking depressed. I thought about several ways to off myself, wondered if I should go to the hospital and then this thought popped into my head. Two days ago you and Jim were making out like teenagers in the model home. You do not want to end this, if not for yourself, think about the man you love.

Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up I asked Jim to take me for a drive to the art store for some florescent paints and we ended up grabbing some drive through and heading out to the lot and I vented a lot and we saw some beautiful things and some silly things and I came home and cleaned my room and we are going to go out and have a nice little snacky kind of dinner, then I go back on my diet. I failed but it’s okay as long as I don’t give up.

I took some pictures to share with you.

When we got in the care the mileage was right where it is in the picture, we thought it was funny.

I’m So Miserable

I’m depressed, I’ve been fighting it for a while. I’ve run out of things to fight with. The positives that are going on are just not enough. I need to see my shrink, which is tomorrow thank goodness. I am sure I need a med check.

Nothing seems to work for long, at least it feels that way. I know the Latuda is working but just not enough. I wish I wasn’t alone.

I know that maybe things in the back of my head are affecting my mood, but I dont know what to do about it. I am so bored and lonely. I just want to go to sleep and dream and not get up again.

It feels like such a backslide. I want to find some positives but I just see the negatives in them. Like the house right now all I can think about is I wont be able to move in there until late February or early March. Thats so long ago.

I dont want to write or paint. I did some cleaning yesterday but I cant even get up the energy to do it. Frankly I’m just tired, so tired.

Fricken Moles

Several years ago I had a large precancerous mole on my back, it left a rather horrible scar but instilled the fear in me that I needed to check my body monthly for more of these little buggers.

As mentioned yesterday my husband found a couple of moles during our monthly search and today I decided to see a doctor as opposed to my therapist. Turns out I likely have a smaller version of one of those same moles. Lovely.

I go to the dermatologist at 7:30am next Friday to likely have it removed. I was assured it’s not melanoma so that is good at least. I am upset, when I should be somewhat relieved. Not dealing with this all that well.

The depression is definitely not helping at all. It’s just making it so I am unable to find happiness in much of anything and have little to no strength to pick my ass off the couch and do anything anyhow.

Screw you depression!!! I painted a little today and watched a cheesy movie.. I win for today.