Life

Merry Xmas

Surprisingly Today has been wonderful. We woke up and had bacon and eggs for breakfast made by MIL and then we relaxed. Hubby and I walked through Schram Park and I took some pictures with my new camera. Did I mention I got a new camera? lol

Dinner was lovely a prime rib and baked potatoes which was absolutely delicious and we played some games. I had a couple glasses of wine but not enough to get drunk. Just enough to be calm.

Today the sun was up and the temperature was 50 degrees. I got some gorgeous sunset pictures, but I’ll post pictures tomorrow when I have some time. Tonight I’m just gonna chill.

So Merry Christmas to everyone. I hope you are celebrating your holidays in the best mood possibly.

So It’s Begun

I woke up this morning and the feeling of overwhelming stress hit me. It’s that holiday feeling. Not that good one but one of panic!

There will be 4 children and 5 adults here later tonight and I am planning on not drinking and just trying to deal with everything. At least I was but as the hours pass and it is getting closer to everyone being here I am thinking about just a couple relaxing bottles of wine to help me relax.. err glasses wow think there was something going on in my brain there.. Like it will take 2 bottles of wine to relax. hahaha.. I’m funny sometimes.

Christmas won’t be that bad because it will be all adults. There is the opening of presents which I am embarrassed by. I never know if I react properly .. lots of stress.

Needless to say it will be tough couple of days, then we mix and repeat new year’s eve. I can make it through it though. I may have anxiety attacks and I may feel like running, but I can do this. It’s something normal family’s do.

Anyhow I hope you have a wonderful Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, see you tomorrow!

Hubby Home Sick

Today my husband came home early after a day of throwing up at work. Poor baby. It’s impossible for me to care for him since there is nothing I can do. It’s frustrating. I want him to feel better.

My mood is right in the middle. I’m actually not feeling that well myself, I have a feeling the stomach bug is making it’s rounds again. Yay. It’s hard to tell if it is my mood or circumstance. That’s the funny things with moods.

Makes for a not in the mood to do anything even write my blog kind of thing. It’s even more important to write those days I think. This is good reinforced behaviour. I am still thinking about what I am gonna start as a year long habit come nerw years. Like a resolution but something that sticks. haha.

Work and Erections

When I’m talking about work, I’m talking about my husbands employment and when I am talking about erections I’m talking about my husbands erection.

I don’t get in the mood very often thanks to a hysterectomy and being myself etc etc. When I am in the mood every few weeks I expect hubby to be standing at attention and ready.

When we first got together and I was hypersexual he would have this same issue. He gets worried about work and can’t function. I don’t hold it against him anymore but I used to be a real bitch about it.

Still it is very hard on my tiny ego, I worry that he isn’t attracted to this or that. I have a very fragile tiny ego and it doesn’t take much to hurt my feelings. Yet this has been going on for 14 years and I can handle it much better than I used to.

I’m not saying my feelings are not hurt, just that I know it’s completely unintentional and he already feels bad enough about it. Yet I had to post on the blog to try and get rid of the hurt and not take it out on him. We’ve talked it through.

I know he is stressed about the house and looking after me, that’s a lot of pressure for one person. I’m glad we never had a child to make it worse.. anyhow that’s how I’m feeling today.. hurt but just a little below the surface.

So Frustrating

I love my husband, he is warm, funny and handsome man who puts up with all my shit. In the mornings though I want to strangle him. His alarm wakes me up several times as he hits snooze. Then as he leaves he wakes me again to ask how he looks. I always have a problem going back to sleep but then he goes down and talks to his mom for 20 mins while he plays on the computer. I can hear them talking it gets my paranoia going like crazy.

It’s like this most weekday mornings and today I just blew up at him because of it. I hate weaking up before my body wants me too, it makes me cranky for the whole day and I get so hurt he doesn’t stay and talk to me.

I know it is completely irrational.  That doesn’t stop it from happening though. I feel sorry for the poor guy. I’m glad he tolerates me. Living with a bipolar is a really hard job. I don’t know that if it were reversed I would be so damn good natured about everything.

I’m a lucky woman.

Even When Your Not In The Mood

I write my blog every day but I don’t always feel like it. Sometimes I stumble over what to say or my day has been so vanilla that there has been nothing interesting emotionally to write about. Yet it is the one promise that I keep to myself. Trust me I’ve made tons.

I’ve started diets and failed multiple times and exercise programs. Cleaning the house or myself. Wearing makeup or doing my hair. None of these things have I ever done for this amount of time.

So I’m writing, I’m here today and I will be tomorrow. The only reason I won’t write will be because something horrific has happened. Just not wanting to is not enough of a reason not to do it.

Next year I will be doing more than writing, probably photos and stories as well as my moods, but for now this is what it is.. enjoy

So Fucking Moody

As you know last night was a really hard one. Today has been a lot better though. I’ve been neutral.

I had a lot of nightmares last night. So I was surprised to wake up feeling non-depressed. I swear I woke up every 30 mins from one terror or another. I haven’t had that happen in a long time. Have you ever had a scary dream that made it so you didn’t want to step off the bed because something might grab you from under it or your afraid to go into the hall cause there might be someone there. That was my night.

Today I’ve accomplished nothing but not being really depressed. I guess that is something though. I’ve just spent my day watching Korean drama’s. At least it is Wednesday and I only have two more days until the weekend when I am lucky enough to have hubby all to myself. I’m basically waiting for the weekend each week. I think once we get into house it is going to be a lot easier as I’ll have access to a lot more things to do. Still a couple months til that happens though. Always counting down to something.

Thanks for the comments, it really helped me feel less depressed!

I Want Beef

it’s crazy, I’m constantly starving and all I want is beef. I am not sure what is up with it. I don’t want steaks or stew meat just ground meat, burgers.. I dunno whats going on, I usually get cravings like this for sugary stuff or even carbs not meat though.

Gonna just go with the flow though.

I got to talk with my BFF tonight and it felt good. I’ve missed just chatting with her. It hurts that I can’t help with her pain but I’m so glad she is in my life. I can’t believe I acted like such a shit out of fear. I love her.

My mood has been mostly bored and hungry today, so I’m gonna go cook up some meat and see if it takes care of the craving, I’ll keep trying til it stops.

Looking After Myself

so this week I got my hair cut me today I went and saw the eye doctor and got some new glasses ordered. It’s time I started taking care of myself. You know how it can be, you get in such a funk that you just stop caring. You stop washing, you stop eating right. No more of that.

i will start taking care of myself. I’m even gonna get a manicure.. Go me!

Moody Yet Again

I woke up in a good mood, still feeling happy about my hair cut.

I played on the computer for a few hours and had some fun. It seemed like a really good kind of day.

Then I got a message from my BFF saying she was upset with me. Rightly so. I haven’t been there for her like I should mostly because I’m afraid. Ever since I found out her cancer came back, I’ve been terrified. I’m afraid of losing the only other person that I love unconditionally besides my husband. I admit it makes me a coward for turtling myself into a shell and hiding.

I hope she forgives me for being so stupid. It hurts me to think that I might have hurt her in any fashion. She is going through more than enough, she doesn’t need my bullshit on top of it.

In a perfect world I would spend every day with her and we would be happy and healthy.