Life

My Brain Is Confused

I cancelled all my therapy sessions but made an appt for the hair dresser. I’m getting it all cut off. Probably will lose another 2 pounds there since I’ve let it get so long. I found this super cute cut I want and hopefully it will be flattering to my face. I know it will give me much more ease of wear. Plus I get to go back to vibrant red as opposed to boring dirty blonde.

My mood has been better today it seems like things are taking an upswing and hopefully it keeps that way. My meds should help me through the anxiety of going out and doing things and looking better should help me feel better about going out. Hopefully it will ease all my anxiety I have been having lately. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow and maybe I will put up a pic of the new hair too!

 

Why I Dislike Children

Most of the time honestly it’s the parenting. The parents allow the children to run all over the place and just do whatever they like. It’s not true for all kids of course but it seems to be a growing trend. If I behaved the way the kids do nowadays I would have gotten my ass whooped. Kids aren’t afraid of consequences for their bad behaviour now.

Another reason I donlt like children is they are walking talking bundles of ick. Carrying around multiple illnesses just waiting to pass it on to the next person. My immune system is shitty since I am not exposed to most things most people are. That’s what happens when you don’t socialize with the public very often. Yet every single bug my nieces and nephews picks up ends up here at home since my MIL watches them every day.

Right now it is a 24 hour bug that has everyone spewing fluids from both ends and just generally having the worse heartburn you’ve ever had. My MIL was up all night with it and today I just feel like I am on the edge of it. I have the heartburn from hell and what feels like a giant air bubble filling my insides but luckily everything has remained inside.so far. If it is going to get worse I hope that it does it sooner rather than later. Spending the day in bed just waiting for something to happen sucks.

I know it’s not a hangover because I sobered up before bed and drank a ton of water, so now I just have to wait and see what happens. I swear I spend my whole life waiting for everything, how mundane.

Anyhow that is just some reasons I dislike children. I’m super glad I have dogs, even if they do chew my pillows and piss on the floor.

It’s Hard To Be A Friend

As you know I often complain of being lonely. I have no clue how to make new friends and I am pretty anti-social. I have two people I would consider friends. My husband and My BFF Dani. We don’t talk as much as a lot of friends. We are both bipolar and have always just disappeared and reappeared in one another’s lives. That was ok with me.

I was often afraid to reach out even though she is always supportive and tells me the truth as opposed to what I want to hear. She is the only person that I allow to speak to me this way. I love her very much. Yet I am a horrible friend. She is going through some very big stuff and I’ve been wrapped up in my own stupid shit. My stuff really isn’t that important.

When we do talk she often asks about me and doesn’t give much info on herself and how she is doing. I find it frustrating and it makes me feel selfish.

My friend has cancer, I’m depressed. BFD on my end…

Needless to say I feel like a shitty friend.

A Good Anniversary

While most people would go out to dinner or dancing and do something fancy, hubby and I decided that our time would be best spent curled up snuggled in bed.

We’ve played on our ipads, watched frivilous tv shows and talked about almost nothing. It’s been a nice break.

We had room service and walked around in our jammies all day. It was incredibly relaxing.

Would I have liked something more to happen? Well maybe. I dont feel good though and am so grateful that this is exactly what he wanted to do, what I wanted to happen doesn’t matter.

One anniversary we will have romance and presents and dancing and love making. Not this one though, we will have relaxing and sleeping and watching of the tv’s and snuggles and pure love.

I always take what I can get and I don’t mind giving it back. 😀

In Our Hotel Room

We’ve been in the hotel room for a few hours after a lunch of indian food, which I normally love but has allowed me to spend more time in the washroom of our hotel room then in the actual room!

You’d think it would be romantic but instead I am feeling troubled and just putting on a happy face so that hubby doesnt think that I am not enjoying our time together. Part of it is my sore throat, makes it hard to talk for any amount of time. The other part is well honestly I have no flipping clue and hope to figure it out fast as we only have 2 nights together and I do so love spending time with hubby.

We are supposed to go to dinner tomorrow night at the place we first had our wedding dinner, I am hoping I dont chicken out about it. I’ve been known to do that from time to time.

I just hope that we can find something to do together.  We enjoy every single day together why should celebrating be so damn hard. Honestly sometimes I hate my brain.

Bad and Good News

Today we got some new that can be taken either good or bad. My mother in law has decided not to purchase the house. I’m sad that she won’t be living next door but I am slightly relieved because I am not going to be stressing out over whether or not the dominoes will land perfectly for her to get the house and not lose the money she would put down at her contract signing.

I was just talking to my therapist yesterday about it and she said not to worry as it was not my fault if things didn’t work out. Yet it has been worrying at my brain since she started the whole she-bang. Needless to say I feel like an anvil has been lifted from my shoulders.

I feel bad that I feel relieved but honestly at some point I need to stop worrying and stop feeling bad and just be damned happy. I deserve to be happy.

This will make enjoying this celebratory weekend all that much better. Woot!

Hope Is Possible

In my mind I have been afraid to hope. I’ve been terrified of everything. Death was always lurking behind the door and it was frightening to live.

I’m actually starting to feel hopeful about my life. My husband and I are having our 13 year anniversary. Instead of worry about something going wrong to make it not happen. I am looking forward to it.

Christmas has always been such a hard time for me but I am feeling whimsical and hopeful about enjoying all the glitter and shine. The closeness of family and just being with my husband and enjoying our life together.

Last night we almost got hit by a truck turning in front of us and instead of it freaking me out and dwelling on it, I just moved forward and realize there are a ton of bad drivers here and my husband is a good driver. It makes me feel warm and safe.

So I guess for the first time I am able to feel hopeful and happy without worrying about every single thing that happens.

 

What I Miss

Today it is freezing and there is some cheesy snow. You know the kind that doesn’t really seem to be from the sky but is on the ground non-the-less. So I thought that I would post some nice sunny pictures from California to show that even though I hated living there, there was still beauty to be had. Then I realized all my gorgeous sunny photos are locked up in storage jail on my primary computer.

It’s made me wish for my things yet again.  One day I will have one computer with my photography and Photoshop and illustrator on and one for all my games and things and they will be in my presence.

When we are in our home I will be able to sit down and write my book. I have a hard time just sitting on my laptop and focusing on my story(ies). I want to be able to sit in a comfortable computer chair and listen to music blaring full blast and just throw out my words until my fingers tire.

I had stopped creating when I was unmedicated and now I want to create something almost every day and I’m unable to really get into things because this is not my home and I can’t create the way that I really want to.

I miss being able to be slightly manic and write little novelettes and poems because there is no place to sit and listen to the voices in my minds eye tell me stories.

I’ll be posting more than my feelings next year, it will be all of me. Sometime in January I will hit a full year of posting and next year I want to do the same thing only bigger, better..  I guess we shall see.

 

300th Post

Some days I wrote more than one post but 300 posts is pretty amazing to me. I have never been able to stick to anything this long and the fact that I might actually make a full year of doing something just strikes me as odd. I’m glad that it was writing though. It’s my favorite thing to do. I’ve done it forever and I hope one day to do it on a more professional level. Let’s see what a full year of writing holds.

Today I was listening to one of my favorite comedians Maria Bamford. She is funny and bipolar 2. She shows me that bipolars can be successful. I know there are actors and stuff but I relate to her more.  In fact when one particular actress came out as Bipolar I felt anger. I’ve since gotten over it and am happy that people in the limelight shed more light on our illness.

We went out to the house and they have all of our windows in! I can’t believe how fast things are moving along now. It’s great to see movement each day. It makes me able to enjoy the little light of hope that is in my heart.

Sunday is my 13th wedding anniversary. I can’t believe that someone has stuck with me this long! Life is truely a mystery,

Good day all in all, not so moody and my cold is getting better (I think).

Agitated and Annoyed

Everything is pissing me off. I am super annoyed at almost everyone. (cept hubby) I just am an angry, grumpy, pissy sick person. Some of the agitation is got good reason but is made worse by me feeling off.

I love painting and the fact that I have to move it off the table for 2 wholes months for two meals just pisses me off. The table has gotten used more by me then anyone. Taking it away from me is kind of mean. It was suggested that I could go down into the creepy basement to paint.. ugh no, did I mention that the basement is creepy.

Apparently that has been simmering below the surface. I feel like I am living in a damn foster home where I can only really do anything in my room. Everywhere else I need to maintain a calmness that is not there and I need to not do anything fun.

Needless to say that I am annoyed. ANNOYED.

Anyhow that is my life right now.