Don’t Think I Am Going Back

Three times and all I feel is messed up. Nothing feels like it should be the way that it’s supposed to. I just feel so off and feel like I have undone months and months of work towards going outside. I’m not happier. In fact every time I wake up I feel more confused and feel like I’ve been emotionally ripped apart and put back together high and fucked up.

I hate how I’ve been feeling. I hate it. Nothing feels right. Everything in my life feels wrong since I started and I just don’t think it is going to make me feel good when it is making me feel so damn bad. I think that I’ll go back to trying pills again..

At least I tried.. That’s all you can do.

This Hospital Sucks

As you know I tired to cancel my appt but was talked into continuing. Right now I am again wondering why the hell I am doing this.

My appt was supposed to be for noon and we get here and they are backed up all to hell and back again and I was told my appt wasn’t supposed to be until one. Hello I have a piece of paper that tells me to be here at noon but no now I have to wait.

I haven’t drank or ate anything since 10:30 last night. I am hungry and thirsty and feel not quite myself. I am having a lot of anxiety about this and I am also feeling really disconnected from life. It’s pissing me off.

I completely forgot the fact my husband had to go into work Tuesday night, which I am my sure eat that pissed me off.

I’m frustrated more than words can describe. Maybe this was all a mistake.. I don’t know that I feel any better because I don’t feel right at all.

Thanks Marty

I had basically decided that I was not giving to go to my appt tomorrow but when I called and canceled I got a call back from Marty a nurse that works in the office. She was concerned and didn’t want me to quick unit they had a chance to work.

I told her I was terrified and having a lot of anxiety. She told me they wouldn’t let me die. I’m gonna hold her to that.

Waiting for hubby to come home so that I can have my last meal of the day. I’m not sure what I am having yet. Hopefully this weekend will allow my brain to become more focused and less anxious. I have a feeling that will take a while though.

Am I less depressed? Dunno too damned anxious.. Ugh

Session Two Down

I’ve made it through my second session. I had a heck of a headache afterwards but it has started to clean up and just be a dull ache in the back of my head.

I didn’t know if I would go through with it but sometimes I surprise even myself.

This time they gave me a physical, it was supposed to happen last time but somehow it got over looked. I think most of the people that work there have been exposed to the ECT a little long. They are really nice though.

The PA who did my physical and I had a conversation about mania and people purposely cycling to become manic. Apparently this damages the brain though. I’ve only purposely cycled a couple times and honestly have forgotten how I did it.

If I am lucky I won’t have my extreme mania after these sessions. One again I am not 100% sure if I am going to go again. I jut haven’t made up mind. The fact that I am terrified of dying is really not helping though.

Make no promises, let no one down!

Forward Ho!

Today my head is clear and I am already been giving the normal life stresses that just happen. Hubby has to go into work tonight for several hours, while I won’t be alone this will be stressful as I am tying to mentally prepare for my ECT session tomorrow.

I’m not 100% sure that I am going but I haven’t ruled it out yet either. It will all depend on how well I sleep I suppose. My head is a little aches but not too bad. My chin hurts a little and my ankle is bruised. I can live with all these things.

If it works for my depression that would be nice. Yesterday I felt so off afterwards that it was really off putting. At first I thought I definitely would not return but I am hoping to have the courage to at least do this week and we how I am feeling.

I saw a lot of people there who looked really out of it before going in and that worries me too. I want to be self aware at all times. There is no point in getting better if I’m a bumbling idiot.

I suppose I am kind of arguing with myself but that’s what a blog is for right?

After My First Session

When I first woke up I was just groggy and dozed on and off for a while. When it was time for me to go my head was hurting a little but not so bad really. Just a slight headache and I was nauseated but my stomach was definitely off. It just felt weird.

I think the worst part is that I am experiencing a lot of anxiety. I’m anxious about being alone tomorrow. I’m anxious about side effects that haven’t occurred yet. I’m worried about taking my anti anxiety meds. I am sure the anxiety will pass but it makes me hesitate to repeat the process.

I think that I will decide after tomorrow. I do feel better than I first did. I wish I could find something that made my stomach feel settled. My brain would feel settled. I am just off.

By the way why does and anestsia (sp?) hurt so fucking much when it enters your vein. We’ll see how it goes. Least my memory is ok so far.

I’m glad they decided to go with unilateral though. I think that bilateral would have been worse.

Unfuckingbelievable

Ali I am sitting here at the hospital waiting for my appt and it’s already gone an hour over. They are really behind. I am lucky my husband is here to keep me distracted or else I would be going postal.

I feel bad when I laugh at something he says or does or even smiles, everyone looks so miserable here. I know right this moment is not bad for me but most of the time it is. They don’t know that though.

I dunno how long I’ll be waiting but t least I came. I’ll try to let you know how it goes.

So Far, So Good

Today I went to lunch and shopping unmedicated to do something I enjoyed while I was having anxiety. It went ok I’m still living and I didn’t run away which is something. Every single thing I do unmedicated is an an achievement.

My gerd is really bugging me and it is giving me some stress but I am not going to let it get to me. I’m gonna take a pill and move on. Eating is becoming just unejoysble. I guess that I one way to lose weight.

I’ll let you know now it goes tomorrow if I go..

Kindness? What to do with it?

Thank you to everyone who has been so kind and supportive. I really don’t know what to do Keith kindness but the blogosphere is full of such warm and compassionate people. I expected to hear nothing but how disappointed they were and only heard that from one person.

My BFF did not hold back in telling me that I had disappointed myself and sadly her a little.

For some reason she thinks I am super woman. She’s maded me promise to call her be next time I am stuggling so she can kick my ass and help me through it.

I admit I felt hurt and beaten up at the end of our talk. Yet this is how we are with one another, when everyone else is being kind, we are honest. I think that’s what makes us beat friends.

I’ve rescheduled for Monday afternoon. Let’s hope I make it this time. I hate to get my as reamed out again..

I’m still anxious but hopefully I can start getting my life back into living it…

I Am A Coward

I sent myself into such a tithes with anxiety last night I ended up unable to sleep and throwing up. Around four am I cancelled my procedure and asked for a reschedule. I feel like am I a failure who let people down.

I’ve been backsliding the past couple of weeks. I haven’t been going out as much and my anxiety is back up. Like way back up. I know I need to do this for my own good. The depression will kill me.

I have no idea why I am so anxious. I do know I am filled with a lot of self hart red right now.

I’ve stopped going to my therapy sessions and now this. What am I going to do?