anxiety

Later…

It’s been a couple of days since my ketamine treatment. I feel a little weird and anxious, yesterday was worse but I am also in a decently good mood.

I have severe social anxiety and agoraphobia. Today I walked around a grocery store by myself!!! I’m hoping this means I can get out even more. When I was there, I didn’t even have a panic attack. Remarkable.

My panic attacks are typically about breathing or not being able to breathe. So, I am having some small anxiety about the back of my throat. It’s a little irritated from the ketamine. Also, ketamine has to be one of the most foul-tasting things on the earth, lol.

We have been going out once a week on the weekends. Exposure therapy works. We like to go and hang at the casino and play the slots. Normally we would also have dinner but currently I have no teeth, thanks to my poor oral hygiene. That’s a story for another day though.

Second Dose

I was not feeling very well yesterday. Tummy and bottom problems. I knew I had to go get my treatment regardless so there I went.

At first it seemed like it was going to be like the other appointment, but it turned out to be very different.

They took my blood oxygen and blood pressure to make sure I could actually take my ketamine. Pretty normal for the course. I was a little high in my blood pressure due to the sick anxiety. It was low enough to take my doses though. The first time they gave me two doses, 2 in each nostril. This time it was 3 and the way that I felt was not great.

Have you ever been so drunk that you got the spins? Well, it was a lot like that. Not pleasant at all. It lasted into the night, maybe a little bit this morning as well. The dizziness not the “high”. I really don’t understand why someone would do this for pleasure. I’m hoping my appointment today goes a little better.

I’m not going to quit unless there is a medical reason to do so. I’m hoping all of this will be worth it in the end.

Til tommorow.

First Session

Thanks to my anxiety I arrived at my shrinks place nauseated and a little jittery. I should have taken a Xanax or something before I started but I know well enough for next time.

The actual session took a while to start because my blood pressure started off pretty high due to the anxiety. I did finally get down to a great blood pressure and I was given the ketamine in two doses. It didn’t burn my nose which I was expecting. The after taste was not great though. Luckily they had hard candies to suck on to get rid of it.

About 30 minutes in I felt a wave of warmth spread through my body and I felt happy listening to the music I bought. It was this really cute korean band. Stray kids. You should check them out. I might need to bring something more relaxing next time because I kept wanting to get up and dance. Maybe some disturbed for next one.

Afterwards I was fine, I little wobbly but we went out to the casino and by the time we got there. About 25 mins, I felt like myself.

I’m really looking forward to the next one. Being able to go off several of my meds would be amazing.

Another Day At Another Time

Right now, things are going pretty well. I’m still kind of really having problems writing my blog.

I’ve started doing exposure therapy to solve this damn agoraphobia. It’s not going to bad. I am most anxious when I am in the car. Nebraska drivers suck.

I’m really tired of not sleeping through the night. It happens about 5 days a week. I used to come upstairs in my recliner and pass out, but the chair broke so I have to buy a new one. We did buy a weighted blanket that promptly dropped 100’s of tiny beads all over the bed. I did sleep through the night though, so we are getting a new one.

Well, I’m going to go now. I’ll write again soon.

Day 5

Today is the last day I will be taking the 2mg of Rexulti, tomorrow I start on the 1mg. I’ve had that almost headache feeling still but no more anxiety than normal. Nothing I can’t handle honestly. I mean I don’t really get all that anxious anymore unless I have to leave the house. Which is something I need to work on, but like I said the whole flu thing is keeping me inside and away from people for now. I really don’t want it.

In a few days I will have weed in the house again, I’m looking forward to that nice mellow buzz and am hoping it won’t change the way my antidepressants are working.  I don’t have a choice of what kind to get as pickings are slim.  I’m going to try and not be stoned every single day though. I think that will make a huge difference. I need to be alert to look after the puppy.

Speaking of the puppy, have I mentioned how thrilled I am that she is pad trained already. It’s been too cold outside for a little 3 pound pup.  She has left some bruises on me with her teething though, thankfully she is getting less nippy.

Well that’s it for today, back to Criminal Minds.

 

Day 2

I woke up a little pissy but it was because I only slept 2 hours at a time last night concerned the puppy was going to pee on the bed. She is pretty much pad trained but hasn’t learned that the bed is not the place to pee and she has peed on two different comforters, still way better than her sister Lilly who just pees wherever she wants.  I bought this little faux grass thing that sits beside the door and she uses it a lot too. I’m so impressed with how smart she is.

Later in the day my mood improved and so far I am not feeling any side effects from the withdrawal except maybe a little more anxiety. I can handle it though, I’ve had anxiety since I gave birth and that was about 32 years ago.  Have a mentioned I have a gorgeous grandson that is not quite two yet? Anyhow that is off topic. I have always had anxiety attacks about breathing. Which when your nose is plugged from allergies is even worse. Like I said I can handle it though, I am stronger than my anxiety.

Now if I could just get out of the house more but honestly I am terrified of the flu. It’s so bad this year and my immune system is not that great since I am rarely exposed to other people. I’ve been lucky so far and I’d like to keep it that way. So I’ll avoid going out for now. I do have to see my shrink on the 5th of February but what are you going to do right?

Anyhow that’s it for today.

 

Since I’m Having a Good Day

I think I’ll post! Sorry it has been a while but I have been seriously so depressed I was happy if I showered once every two weeks! I’ve had no motivation. Honestly I say it is partially genuine feelings and this new weed I got. Both make me want to do more.

I did go to Applebee’s during a slow time for lunch last week. Slowly getting at doing more.

I’ve been playing my computer games but still haven’t painted. I can feel it coming though the painting will happen sometime I just have to patiently wait for my brain to allow it.

My anxiety has sucked a lot lately.  My brain just always goes to a negative place for every single thought that I have. I don’t know what to do about it except give my head a shake and go on to the next thought and hope it is better.

Anyhow nothing really has happened besides the Applebee’s thing. My life is not real exciting right now. My days are spent stoned and dozing in the recliner listening to music. It makes me feel relaxed and shuts that voice up for a little while. So I always end up doing it every day. Though the night before I always claim will be a weed free day but it doesn’t end up that way.  oh well.

A New Post

This and the last post are closer than I’ve been in a long while. The wellbutrin has me motivated I suppose. I’m not unhappy. Still terrified of everything. It seems like all I can do is think of the worst scenario for anything. My brain never goes to the positive side.

I did walk to the mail box by myself today though. So that’s a huge accomplishment, specially when I have the flu. I did think a lot of negative things on the way there. Often times if keeps me from going though and this time it did not. This gives me some hope for myself and freedom from this prison I’ve created for myself.  Tonight’s also the first time I’ve been high in a week. Which was a choice not because I ran out! I’m getting better at being recreational.

Anyhow I think that’s all I wanted to say.

 

Death

Hi guys it’s been a while since I’ve written.

Lately all I can do is think about death.  I’m afraid of so many things. Trump starting world war 3, getting older and being more at risk for illnesses. I’m terrified. There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do or think about that makes me feel any better either.  I suppose it’s a good thing that I am afraid of death, I at least won’t be killing myself. Even with the almost constant depression.

I thought maybe writing about it might help, but it’s not.

I also have the damn flu which is giving me anxiety. I swear if it wasn’t for Xanax I would fall apart completely.

fuck…

 

What a Horrible Year

We’ve lost Carrie Fisher. An advocate for mental health and a remarkable woman.  I cried. I’m not a Star Wars fan but we have so few people who stand up for mental health awareness, losing one tore me up. We lost Prince and George Michael. I shouldn’t see people I listened to as a teen dying, it’s just horrific and scary.

On a positive note I went out today. I went to Sam’s and Hobby Lobby and was supposed to go to my shrinks but she was sick and had to cancel.  I made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas without drinking or smoking weed.  I Did It! Man I’m glad that part is over though.

My father in law is still here. He leaves on the 30th. Tomorrow my mother in law comes over and Thursday, the whole damn family will be here for my sister’s in law birthday. I love her and would do anything for her. It’s a lot of stimulation though. Too much by the time things wind down.

I’m ready for this year to be over… Course the next four years are likely to be a nightmare too but for a completely different reason..

sigh