Tonight is family night. I love it when my mother-in-law and sister-in-law come over for dinner and a visit. I try to do it weekly but it hasn’t happened since St. Patrick’s day. No fucking wonder I’ve been feeling so lonely.
My sister-in-law is pretty awesome. I love hanging out with her. We talk and do artsy things together. Usually there is wine involved.*wink*
Anyhow I’ve been having a rough day but now it’s getting a little bit better.
Today my husband tried to tell me that I was going to go to the store with him. Turns out he is concerned about me. I didn’t even realize. I just kind of figured he was into his own shit and didn’t notice just how fucked up I’ve become. He’s a wonderful husband, just not very aware of whats going on around him. If I decided to put make up on he wouldn’t notice unless my lips were whore red. He’s a man, what can you expect.. just kidding no one get uptight about it.
I didn’t want to do anything again today, but I had a shower. That’s a big one for me, especially when I am alone in the house. I usually ask hubby to talk to me while I am doing it.
As soon as it gets a bit warmer I am gonna have hubby take me for a walk every day, there is a dirt road I can see from my upstairs window and I’m very interested in exploring it.
Til tomorrow.
I absolutely hate that I have no motivation to do anything today. I did pick up a few pieces of trash that needed to get thrown out but that’s about all I’ve done with my day.
I’m still trying to be easy on myself. So I lay in a sunbeam like my dogs and sucked up some Vitamin D, get some help with the depression. It’s getting better but I am really looking forward to having some motivation again.
Half the time I just feel lost…
Today I am less than depressed. Not happy but not as down as I have been either. So I guess it’s a tiny win.
Today I will be going out for the first time in at least a week because I have to pick up my Latuda. I really need to talk to my shrink about increasing the dosage. It might help the repeat cycles of depression that seem to be getting closer and closer together again. It makes it so hard to live a normal life.
Today I actually did some cleaning and sat through a whole movie. Which if anyone knows what depression is like makes these rare positive things. Hopefully this means my cycle is swinging the right way for a change!
I’m feeling slightly better today. I don’t know if it’s real though. I did my normal Saturday wake n bake.
I feel less heavy though. It feels like I have been given a little room to breath. Just a little but the air is wonderful. It gives me some hope that I can slide back to the other side of the see-saw.
I woke up and started painting almost right away. I have things in my brain that need to come out apparently. Oh it would be so lovely if I could have a hypo-manic episode, I could get so much shit done. Right now I’m ignoring that stuff and waiting until I feel better to do anything about it. Unless I get motivated.
Motivation would be nice.
I realize I haven’t been sick all that long or I’ve been sick for a very long time. It’s confusing. I have intestinal issues but I have IBS plus sometimes it just acts up when I am stressed. I find it very tiring non the less.
I’m trying to find a way out of the circle I’ve made for myself. Working on a painting. Hopefully that will give me a little boost when it’s done. Just trying to give myself a positive thing to do every day, even if it’s just a little.
I’m feeling less depressed today than I did yesterday though, which makes me semi-smile.
:}
Trying hard to be easier on myself. I’m still smoking the weed, but I will be out in a couple days and will decide if I will get more then not now.
I’ve been up feeling like shit physically and it’s dragging me down. So I decided to put on some music and see if that would help. Funnily enough it did. I always forget the positive effect that music has in my life.
I put on some up beat dance music and even danced a little as I sang my favorites at the top of my lungs. It definitely helped some of my anxiety, well until I thought about it too much.
Does music affect your moods?
I have been beating myself up for quite some time. The depression grabs hold of me and my house and hygiene go to shit.
I stop caring about anything but caring about everything. That probably doesn’t make any sense. I care what other people think. I judge myself as I think others would judge me and I never give myself a break. I’m constantly hammering shit into my own head about how horrific everything is.
Honestly, yes my house is a little untidy, is it dirty? no. I showered a few days ago which is good.
I just need to forgive myself for the depression controlled events and maybe it will help me get through them just a little bit easier.
Do you ever have anything similar happen? Remember to be easy on yourself. It’s super hard but we have to try right?
I’m feeling so blah. My alarm went off in the middle of me watching TV. I set an alarm to write my blog everyday. I figure it will help.
I don’t really want to do anything. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to watch anymore TV. I just want to crawl into bed, I feel like complete garbage on top of being depressed.
Sometimes there might be a novella and sometimes it may just be a word or two but I will write every day again.
Blech. Least I accomplished something by doing it.
I haven’t been around people for a couple of weeks and I’m not feeling very good physically, I’m depressed and anxious. It sucks.
Tonight is my nephews birthday and I just sent my husband off to a family gathering without me. I just don’t feel well enough to even be around family. I love them but can’t handle it right now. Though I would love some one on one time with my sis-in-law, I miss her.
I’m in one of those moods where I am finding it really difficult to write or express myself. Yet I did say I would post every day so here I am!
Blog post posted….
A Bipolars Reality 