depression

Kindness? What to do with it?

Thank you to everyone who has been so kind and supportive. I really don’t know what to do Keith kindness but the blogosphere is full of such warm and compassionate people. I expected to hear nothing but how disappointed they were and only heard that from one person.

My BFF did not hold back in telling me that I had disappointed myself and sadly her a little.

For some reason she thinks I am super woman. She’s maded me promise to call her be next time I am stuggling so she can kick my ass and help me through it.

I admit I felt hurt and beaten up at the end of our talk. Yet this is how we are with one another, when everyone else is being kind, we are honest. I think that’s what makes us beat friends.

I’ve rescheduled for Monday afternoon. Let’s hope I make it this time. I hate to get my as reamed out again..

I’m still anxious but hopefully I can start getting my life back into living it…

ECT Begins This Week

I went and got my EKG and my blood work and I get my first ECT session on Friday, then every Monday, weds, Friday until it does what it is supposed to do, likely 6-12 sessions, then maintenance if it works. I’m thrilled and terrified but looking forward to it.

I do have some kind of stomach bug which is making it hard for me to do any real writing, I apologize for the shortness of my blog.

Woot though

Pain and Depression

It took me years to realize that many of my physical ailments were cause from my mental state. I never connected the fact that I would often feel aches and pains while I was horribly depressed.

Few people actually realize that connection, seeking out medical attention which uses their money, time and patience to come to no conclusion. I read this really great article on it
Here

It’s older but you can find a lot of material on it.

It’s really amazing just how crappy it can make you feel, it’s no wonder we don’t want to get out of bed and just sleep our days away. Who wants to be constantly sad and in pain? I know I don’t

Monday, Monday

Well hubby and I will be starting our little weekend vacation tomorrow. I am excited to spend some quality time with him. Though for some reason he hates the words quality time. We are leaving behind our electronics and just gonna hang. Sunday we finish another thing in the path to building out forever home. So it should be a good weekend.

Monday, I’m both excited and nervous about it. I have my ECT consult. Right after I made the appointment I had a major anxiety attack. Shouldn’t surprise me, it’s a good thing yet a big deal.

My depression is pretty strong right now but I am trying to fight it as best as I can. I think the hardest part is the way my body feels. I feel like I’ve been hit by a car and I have been hit by a car so I actually have the comparison. I could definitely live without this, it makes me want to curl up and sleep to avoid it that and the never ending gloom following me like a singular dark rain cloud above my head.

It will get better though. When you hit the bottom you can only go up or drown and I am not drowning!!

I’m Just A Mess

I’m over sensitive I am crying at the drop of the hat and I don’t feel like posting.

Turns out I missed a call from the ECT people yesterday and now I have to wait until Monday.. So fucking frustrated don’t even want to post..

I mean fuck!

I’m depressed, I’m stressed and I’m fucking impatient. Stupid.

I did take some cute pics today though, I had moments of happiness.. just me and hubby being silly in nature.

Better or Worse?

Things were better today though I am a bundle of hyped up emotions. I managed to make it through most of the day without completely freaking out. Mostly anyhow.

Hubby and I went to for a two mile walk at this man made lake that was really nice. Neither of us were dressed for it and we got super hot! Afterwards we sent shopping at Target.

I don’t know what came over me, I ended up buying a bunch of stuff that I really didn’t need, then felt horribly guilty about. This caused me to be tense and when hubby said something like when I get stressed out I get controlling, I try to control the thing that I am stressed out about. This made me yell then cry but ultimately he is correct.

I am trying to relax and just enjoy the good things but it is so hard for me. Ugh.

I am trying to eat healthier, I am losing weight, we are getting a home, we are going to have a wonderful life, I a, getting ECT. Things are good. Good dammit.

Not Sure What I’m Feeling

My therapy session was rally great. Honewtly I am so thrilled that my BFF found her for me. Plus the shrink in the office says it won’t be long before I will be able to start my ECT.

When I found that bit of news out I was more excited about it then th fact we are signing the contract for our house this weekend.

I also got some not so great news about someone I care for dearly. It’s really been an emotionally tumultuous day.

Currently I have no idea what I am feeling except itchy, fucking mosquitoes!

I’m Just Not Ok

I still am not feeling great and I am starting to experience some anxiety. It had mostly taken a backseat the last few months but it hit me today whilst in a Arby’s.

I did what anyone does hen stricken with the urge to run and that was suggest that we sit down and eat as opposed to eating in the car.

It was really hard but I stayed the whole meal.

I am stressed about going to the therapist tomorrow, I am not sure if it is because of having my mom in law take me, the actual appointment or because we are signing the contract for the house this weekend.

I am also starting back on a low carb diet. This might also be adding to things. I would like a nice weekend alone with my husband with no intruptions, no stress and lots of sex. Did I mention we haven’t had sex since we got here. Not great for the whole feeling close thing.

It’s gonna get better right?

Things Are Just Weird

Nothing feels right. The whole world feels kind of like a rally stupid movie that I am not rally a part of.

Things are not turning out like I had planned. We are in our third week here and all we’ve done is sort of pick things out for a house we are going to be moving into in 6-7 months time.

I thought come Halloween we would be settled into some cut little house with a fenced yard and be starting to decorate.

I’m glad we are having a house built for us, but at the same time I feel a lot of disconcerntment. I am used to a lot of time alone with my husband and now I get pretty much zero unless we leave the house or are in the bedroom.

I am even missing my computer at least then I would be distracted, maybe we can get them out of storage. I’ll ask Jim. Something’s got to give and I prefer it not be me.

I had to give up the beta blockers because apparently it was helping this depressive state get down right unbearable. Like depression is ever bearable but I could barely move last night or today. Right now I still want to curl up and hide.

I’m not going to though. At least not today. Tomorrow may be different, who knows.

It’s so hard to believe that I am looking forward to someone shocking my brain even at the risk of losing some potential memories just to not feel like this anymore. I can’t wait though. Time needs to move at a better pace.

Tears For Fears

This morning at 7:30 I woke up and couldn’t stop crying. I ask Jim if he was going to leave me. I feel unsafe and insecure.

I went back to sleep and woke up somewhat energized yet still sad. I cleaned the room we are staying in nod no started the laundry and got myself a shake for breakfast. Then I really did nothing else today until it was time to go to the dentist and get the doohickey that makes it look like I have a tooth.

It looks okay I suppose it is not the mot uncomfortable thing and it makes me sound like a drunk but at least I don’t look like wet trash. In four months I will get a new tooth which in the end will cost me about 3500 dollars. Things sure aren’t cheap in Nebraska.

OJ well what are you going to do right? Day after tomorrow I go and see my shrink and therapist, hopefully I can get my shit going cause last night I was thinking a trip to the hospital might be a good idea. We’ll see though.