Month: March 2014

Online Relationships the New Status Quo?

This post has nothing to do with my mood but I am tired of complaining about how shitty I feel. So I thought I would ponder..

I’ve mentioned many times that my husband and I met in an online game, last post even. I know several other couples who met in the very same way and are in healthy loving relationships. My best friend is a person whom I’ve only spoken to online, is also bipolar and we get along fabulously. Do I miss the normality of one on one face time. Yep sure do. I’ll do that again someday but right now I think there are a lot of positives about meeting people online though. Being agoraphobic and suffering social anxiety, this really works well for me.

It seems to be the new dating thing, match.com, e-harmony etc etc..  I think the best part of meeting someone online is that you don’t have to put up a front. Sadly most of these sites convince you to put up a picture to bring in more pokes and prods. I think that is a flaw in itself as we always put our prettiest pictures up. . We aren’t what we are physically. Though a more physical person might be more active, in the grand scheme you will one day grow old with the person you choose for a partner and you are going to be wrinkly and withered (hopefully a really really long time) so that substance of a person should really be something we consider before looks. Pretty doesn’t last forever.

Games (I am sure there are other medias, but my mind is blank) bring people together with a common interest in a very relaxed atmosphere and you get to really talk to people. Yep there are a lot of assholes and some creeps, my stalker introduced me to my husband, LOL. That’s  true for anywhere though, always a mix. I just think it is easier to find your life-mate doing things you love.

Now this might work well in the outside world for many. Not all of us have the luxury though. I think that being online in games, chat-rooms will really give you relationships of substance if you are afraid to step out your door..  *shrug*

World of Warcraft, Can it Help?

My husband and I met through a mmorpg (mass mulitplayer online roleplaying game). We’ve always enjoyed playing them together so much that we played WoW for 7 years before we quit and went to other games. I never really thought I would return as I had burned out on how mean people can be to one another. Plus really you just spent hours trying to accomplish virtual goods.

We started playing again a few days ago and I am trying to enjoy it as a new player. I am trying to cope with my depression and the distraction when hubby is at work is greatly needed.  I just have to much time to think when I am alone. Those of you who have depression of any kind know that sometimes it is just bad to sit and think.

I usually have a very hard time interacting with anything when I am feeling this way. The fact that my ex-shrink keeps lying about filling my clonazepam script is not helping. My anxiety is through the roof in addition to just feel physically horrible.

I’m on the greater side of suckiness right now. I keep waiting for those highs and since taking my meds properly every day I just feel worse. If it weren’t for the side effects of quitting cold turkey I would just give them up. April 6th can’t happen soon enough. However now I am also anxious about it. I had hoped I had gotten past this, apparently not.. sigh.

Still Alive, guess that’s something.

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget just how horrible this mental illness makes me feel.. I don’t mean mentally either. The pills alone cause cloudiness, stomach upset and I swear increase that feel of depersonalization.  They make my body confused as to when it is coming and when it is going.

That’s not the part I forget though, it’s the aches and pains that feel a lot like someone has kicked you over and over again after knocking you down. How lethargic yet sleepless you are at the same damn time. It’s so frustrating. I feel like complete shit. I thought I had a cold but I’m not so sure. I just want to go to bed and sleep forever. This morning I could have done it easily.

If the little girls room didn’t wake me up every few hours I would have probably slept 11hours straight through. I pulled myself out of bed with a lot of struggle, jumped into the shower to wake myself. It didn’t help much just woke me enough to start feeling the aches and pains..

Why, why why why.. does it have to be so shitty?

I dreamt of an abusive ex last night, he rarely shows up except when I am super duper stressed.. I wish I could relax..

We move back to Omaha in July, maybe things will get better before we go.. They can’t get much worse at this point..

Did I mention I feel like SHIT?!?!

Bubbles

I think that everyone lives in their own little bubble. However some peoples are sparkly and rainbow like, almost like the aurora borealis . Some are filled with fire and smoke and whip out flames to hurt ,while others are almost pearl like and calm with a hint of blue ocean. Then we have the bubble which is fractured and torn barely able to keep a float with it’s wisps of gray. Finally there is the black bubble, so dark and deep and filled with hate you can’t see the light through it.

I think as bipolars our bubbles are shifting, we move between the various bubbles and only the people who truly know us can see which one we are.  As our moods change we flit about in one form or another. Not always aware of how our bubble is showing, but knowing it usually attracts others like moth to fire.

With others our bubbles might not show as we feel. We are strong  at controlling our bubbles when faced with the people we don’t know or we don’t want to see us as we are. We act like one while we feel another. Perhaps the most empathic person can see what we truly are but most just see what we present them. We rarely let others close enough to see how our wondrous collection of bubbles we are.

Why am a talking in bubbles? I always consider people to have a personal space, defined as a bubble. I day dreamed about this and I could see all the vibrancy that each person holds. Just the way my brain works sometimes I suppose.  Do you experience all the bubbles?

Anxiety From Hell

Last night we were startled awake by an earthquake, it only lasted a few seconds upsetting the dogs and leaving hubby wondering why they were freaking out. Honestly the man can sleep through anything. I calmly said it’s just an earthquake and everyone went back to sleep. I got 2 hours last night, woot woot. (she says sarcastically)

This morning hubbies mom was wondering if we were ok, turns out there was a 4.7 several miles from here and it made the news. I don’t know why but it freaked me out and started one of the worst panic attacks I have had for a while. Of course I was also out of my clonazepam which didn’t help.

So I sat there for about an hour, heart racing, gasping breaths like they wouldn’t come fast enough and sweating like a football player. I am still kind of shaken about it to be honest. I just kept thinking OMG I am going to die and there will be no one here to save me. I have said in previous posts that I have a huge fear of death. I think most people fear it but I don’t know that they obsessively think about it the way I do. ( I am sure there are more like me though ).

Finally I took two antihistamines and fell asleep. I’ve only gotten about 6 hours in the last few days so it helped in two ways. I managed to get a couple hours in and got through the panic attack.

Anxiety has made me what I am today which is a shy person who is afraid to go out most of the time. I have been working on exposure therapy which has allowed me to move around my neighborhood as long as I follow the exact same path each time I go.

I was going to start working out today but I am sick with a cold or flu, not sure which just know I feel like someone has kicked the hell out of me. I have/had sarcoidosis so I am fairly pain tolerant but I imagine all the stress has just beat the shit out of my immune system. I suppose the one good thing about being around people is you don’t end up sick as often as I do. C’est La Vie.

I am going to make a promise to myself though. I will be giving up sugar, caffeine and grains moving forward. I need to start working on my physical health as well as my mental. I want to be a vibrant healthy crazy woman.

Even though the anxiety is coming back I am feeling emotionally better today, this and the lack of sleep seem to go hand in hand. I hope that I get a bit of hypomania to give me some energy.

Hopefully I don’t have anymore panic attacks before my script gets filled but sadly I think my brain will make it a self-fulfilling prophecy since I can’t get it out of my head.

A Painting

self     A New Painting I Did

Why Do We Suffer?

I have seen a lot of interesting things written by bipolars while roaming the web. I have had a lot of interesting things happen to me. Are they directly related to my bipolarity?

I have suffered not only from my illness but years of self hate and abuse. I allowed others to control me and hurt me, both physically and mentally. Possibly believing that I was not good enough for anything more.

Even now I don’t feel that I deserve to be happy. I don’t know if this is because my brain is broken or because of my own insecurities, maybe it is a bit of both.

It seems like this is quite common with bipolars. We not only suffer through our mental illness, we also tend to suffer in life. Does this make us stronger?  It doesn’t feel like it to me. Even though I was able to escape my abusers and meet a wonderful man with a good life, I still feel weak and pathetic.

I think about death constantly, not killing myself (though that does happen) but just the death of myself or my spouse or my family, always making plans in case something should happen. It terrifies me almost to the point of being paralyzed.  It is on my mind constantly. I don’t understand why.

Why can’t I just be happy and content instead of worrying about everything?  Why do I hate myself so much? Why must my brain torment me over and over again? I think I might need therapy to undo all the years of feeling like a piece of shit emotionally.

Even though I have been, battered, raped, emotionally abused, molested I still feel like I am the one that hurts me the most.

No Sex For You!

I used to be a highly sexualized woman. I admit some of that is from the mania. I’ve had more partners than I’d like to admit honestly. When hubby and I first got married we were like bunnies. Several times a day every day of the week. I mean this is fairly normal I think for newlyweds and we were like this for several years until they started medicating me.

My husband is 7 years my junior and is for some reason still attracted to me and is as eager to have sex as from day one. (I don’t think he could keep up now though lol)

The thing that frustrates me is that I enjoy sex while I am having it, but I don’t have the drive I once had. Once again if they would prescribe me some MM, that would change. The medications have almost completely killed my drive. It seems like such an effort to even bother and my husband will inevitably walk around for a couple to a few weeks with blue balls until I am able to satisfy his needs.

I hate that the things that are supposed to help us get rid of our crazy are the very things that mute as persons. It has stopped me from enjoying my life. The depression is the worse it has ever been and there doesn’t seem to be a bright light in site.

I long for the days when I would dress up in lingerie awaiting my man to walk in the door so I could jump his bones.  Does anyone else have these issues?

WTH Is Wrong With Me?

We are going to Vegas in April and I need some outfits because most of my stuff is honestly house casual. I am as I have said before a larger lady and I am very self conscious. I either buy really slutty tops or stuff that is so baggy it completely covers me.  I have a four hundred dollar gift card and have even been given the go-ahead to shop from the bank and I still don’t want to shop 😦

I love shopping, I even went to Amazon and filled my cart then I for some reason completely emptied it. Did I mention I love shopping? Ya so no idea what is going on. I am depressed but usually shopping cheers me up.

I have been stuck in a downward slump for quite some time with maybe 1-3 hypomanic days. My mom being here made the depression worse though now that she is gone I am sad. I guess I am a sucker for punishment. I think one of the reasons it makes me so sad, is that I am so sure if we go back to Omaha she won’t come visit me again.

I just keep walking around the house feeling so blah about everything. Hubby should find out something today about moving back which will hopefully be good news and pick me up a little.  Who knew moving back to the Midwest would be a positive for me. Anything to get away from these skinny vapid Californians.  Though honestly I would move to Alaska if I could just leave here. I hate it, I feel so ugly and fat and gross..

Did I mention I absolutely hate myself? Oh ya I despise myself. I know I am a kind and funny person but I hate everything else about myself. I can’t find one thing.. I constantly am changing the color of my hair, right now it is red and black.. I’m a natural blonde I should just go with it, but I don’t like it. God I can’t wait to see the new shrink. I want to feel better..

I have a cold at present which isn’t helping either but as soon as it is done I am going to start doing my Shaun T’s Rockin Body again..  Maybe once I start that I will post it on my blog to help me stay on track. Meh who knows.

Colleen is a sad kitty..

I Dont Want To Write

I’m crabby, I don’t feel like writing. My mom is leaving at 4am and I likely will not see her again if we do end up moving to Omaha, my husband doesn’t think it is true but why would anyone come visit Nebraska? Seriously for the corn?

The only really great thing I can say about it is that the Zoo is marvelous and I look forward to spending many a Sunday there. If we go that is. We both want to though, hubby is talking to his boss about it tomorrow. So we’ll know something then. It seems like it is something everyone else wants as well.

Having to stay with the mom in law for several months would be hard but we would have a good down payment for a house if he doesn’t lose to much of his salary. It will be nice to own a real home with a real yard. As opposed to what we could buy here.

I dunno.. I don’t have anything to say, but I promised myself I would write..

blech