Month: July 2014

A Dream Comes True?

Tomorrow at ton in the morning we have a meeting with the contract woman about getting our home built and buying the lots. I dunno what’s going to happen at it I do know that it is going to be stressful though.

I would think that a good thing wouldn’t cause me anxiety but really everything does. I started to take my beta blocker tonight, didn’t really get to test it out though. I’ll take one with my clonezapem in the morning and see if it helps take the edge off.

I’ve read a lot of really good things about beta blockers and social anxiety I hope that it works well for me. I’d like to get back to working outside of the house eventually.

Today was uneventful really, I just won’t the whole day hunkered down on the couch watching a big brother marathon to get caught up. I thought I was lonely but it wasn’t too bad.

Hard Habit To Break

So today was an amazing day! 🙂 First off the shrink was amazing, she just gave me some additional medication to help with my social anxiety (propranolol). She also thought that ECT is a great option for me and is going to get that all set up. She wants to deal with the anxiety first because in her words, she wants to make sure I show for the ECT appts. I agree with her on that.

The appt with the therapist also went really well, we talked about my insecurities and where that may stem from and how my negative thoughts were now habit because my husband really hasn’t done anything to make any of them a fact.

It’s funny my BFF talks about creating habits and what I need to start doing it breaking them. That should be interesting. I look forward to it a lot.

The other great thing that happened is we can start moving forward in getting out house built. We start the process on Saturday!!! I am so thrilled. It was nice to have a good day for a change.

Also I went out for lunch and I went out for dinner and went into the pharmacy alone. I rocked it.

Stress and Insects

So I already freaked out about going to the shrink and therapist tomorrow. I don’t know if it is the fact that my mother in law is taking me or the fact that I am not feeling good or just the fact that I just feel like I’ve been thrown into a mess of stress.

Either way my tummy is upset and I’m trying to chill but tonight as I am getting into bed to write this very blog I found a fucking tick on me. I have never in my life had a tick on me. I didn’t scream and run in circles but I wanted to. I did cry, I admit it. I think that I handled it like a trooper though.

However now I am freaked and itchy and seriously hate the fucking bugs. They used to leave me alone because I was filled with medications that must have smelt or tasted like poison to them. Yet another good reason to get medicated.

Hopefully by next week we will be giving the people the information to build our new home and this will all seem worth it, until that time I might just go a little batty.

Tears For Fears

This morning at 7:30 I woke up and couldn’t stop crying. I ask Jim if he was going to leave me. I feel unsafe and insecure.

I went back to sleep and woke up somewhat energized yet still sad. I cleaned the room we are staying in nod no started the laundry and got myself a shake for breakfast. Then I really did nothing else today until it was time to go to the dentist and get the doohickey that makes it look like I have a tooth.

It looks okay I suppose it is not the mot uncomfortable thing and it makes me sound like a drunk but at least I don’t look like wet trash. In four months I will get a new tooth which in the end will cost me about 3500 dollars. Things sure aren’t cheap in Nebraska.

OJ well what are you going to do right? Day after tomorrow I go and see my shrink and therapist, hopefully I can get my shit going cause last night I was thinking a trip to the hospital might be a good idea. We’ll see though.

I’m Fine On The Outside

Everyone thinks I am ok but really I’m not. The sadness is creeping in again. I have moments of ok, but mostly I just sit there thinking about nothing, staring off into space.

I asked hubby if could get an apartment if I had troubles dealing with things her but he said that we would take longer to get a house and he had no idea how I would get to my therapy sessions.

Tht made me so angry I thought my head would explode. I moved here for support and to get the mental help I need and him slinging out thing like well then it would be cab time just makes me feel like I walked into a trap.

I’ve been getting more paranoid then usual. When I leave him and his mom to talk I’m afraid they are saying horrible things about me. I can feel the borederline personality disorder taking over its ugly grip as my bipolar depression gets worse.

Thank god it is only 3 days until a shrink and therapy appt. Hopefully it will help. Until then I have a ne photography challenge with my BFF and I am going to be doing some art and trying to think of th future. The real one not the one the ugly voices in my head are trying to make me believe are true.

I’m Not Ok

I want to cry, I want to break down, I want to remove this fucking mask that I am wearing.

I’m tired of putting on a happy face so that people don’t realize that I am bat shit fucking crazy.

I thought about throwing myself down the stairs today, that would have been painful. Yet is seemed like a good idea. Obviously not good enough to go through with.

Tomorrow Jim will be at work and I’m afraid.

I’m afraid a lot these days. I drank three days in a row. I am not drinking today which is something. Each day, right?

4 days until therapy and likely a new round of pills, fingers crossed.

I Feel On Edge

I’ve spent the last couple/few nights drunk but I know I can’t do that for the next six months. There is some stress. Even my husband is feeling it.

We took the in-laws out to see the house we are planning to have build and also had a look at a possible plot we can build on. Tomorrow hubby is calling the lender to see about mortgage pre-approval. The sooner we know how much we are approved for the sooner we can set up the appt to get the house built and decide whT bells and whistles we want.

Honestly I am in love with the build so much. My very own art room close to where my husband would spend time on his computer or just chilling at the television. It’s a dream come true.

Today I already thought about baking thank you cupcakes after the house is built, now I just need to show some patience. That’s always the hard part isn’t it. I made it through the 6 months it took to get to Omaha, l think I will be able to get through the @6ish months it takes to build a house 😀

Plus I will have that once a week moving forward so I will be able to get rid of a lot of stress.

Happy Fourth

These were some of the fireworks tonight

IAmDrunk

Tonight there was fireworks and wine and it was nice. I cried because of the joy of sparkle and the being surrounded by family and probably. Amuse I was drink. Too drunk too post. Happy fourth tomorrow.

Am I Crazy?

Today we went out and looked at houses. We both instantly fell in love with one. We agreed on everything about it . The would be room for guests and a giant art room for me. The kitchen was so amazing I wanted to start baking right there. It’s even in our price range.

The problem is that it is a model home. We would have to wait 6 months before we could move into our own, which means 6 months staying with the mom in law. 6 months of putting up with family and their bullshit.

There are of course positives. 6 months of saving money paying down our credit and saving for closing costs. We would have the house we wanted, designed the way we want. With all th little nooks and crannies we have thought about. We can even purchase the lot in an area we want.

Still 6 months Is a long damn time of holding my tongue and smiling. Sure I will have therapy every week but then my mom in law lo be driving me to it.

I’m stressed and it’s making my body hurt, a lot! I just want to curl in a ball. However I can’t even do that, got to go to the dentists tomorrow and then the nieces birthday. I even bought the spoiled little princess a present. Fucking entitled 6 year olds… Sigh

ill know tomorrow if we are going to do the house thing, please send good vibes.