I couldn’t think of a title name. Let’s see what has happened today. Well I got a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my husband for mothers day. It’s super sweet that he does things like that considering we don’t have a child together and he’s never met his step daughter. *shrug* he’s a wonderful man who makes me feel loved pretty much every single day, multiple times a day. I’m a lucky woman.
It’s the end of the week and I’ve got hubby until Monday morning. That makes me happy. I love being around him even if we are doing different activities.
Today has been a mellow day but I’m happy (looks over her shoulder). Saying it out loud is a little scary it’s like inviting trouble but people need to know that it’s not always down with this thing.
Happiness does happen from time to time.
Today I have been in an ok mood. Not super happy, but definitely not depressed.
I’m still feeling very unmotivated. I don’t want to do anything but get high and listen to music.
I think that’s what I’ll do with my evening.
I wrote this poem some time ago for my other blog, but I decided that if I honestly can’t think of things to say, I’ll post some of my writings. Enjoy
I heard a train and it made me think,
About dying in a way that’s kind of unique.
Just lay on the tracks, maybe take a sleep,
Eyes closed tight as the horn goes meep meep.
I think it would be fast and my emotions would hurt less,
However I think there’d be a hell of a mess..
Whatever.. Poetry..
Not suicidal just a quick thought.
In some ways I think that all the social media that we have these days is a huge mistake. Kids are spending more time with their electronics than playing and enjoying life outside. We text instead of talking and post anonymously about things we believe in.
Yet if I never had a computer, I would never have met my husband. I wouldn’t half this blog as an outlet and I wouldn’t be able to see all the wonderful things going on with my family in Canada.
Social Media definitely has its place in our world. Hopefully we can find a nice balance before we all turn into shut ins..
Today I have been having feelings, like a range of them. I wouldn’t think much about it except that I have been only really feeling two the last several months. Sad mostly, with a touch of happy here or there. I guess three if you count terror as an emotion.
None of these feelings were out of place. I was hurt because of something someone did. I cried because of a sad story that I read. I got angry because I felt betrayed a little. I also got happy because I listened to some music. It is all rather nice. It’s better than I’ve felt in a while. I’ll take it one day at a time.
I decided not to go to my doctors. I’m going to see if my shrinks advice, meds and help work to fix my issues first. I promised hubby if things didn’t improve in a month I would go to the doctors though. I’m hoping I don’t have to.
I think I am going to try and get back to my happy place and put on some music and play some World of Warcraft.
Yesterday after talking to my psychiatrist it made me rethink if I should go to the doctors tomorrow.
My shrink believes that my tummy troubles are because of the stress and anxiety that I and life have been putting myself under. I think she is right honestly.
The problem is the lack of motivation to eat. Now to be honest today has been better than it has been in a while. I might make 900 calories, 1000 if I have another shake before bed. That may not seem like enough but I’m not over extending my energy so I am ok for now.
My shrink gave me pills for nausea which is one of my problems. If I can get past this and start enjoying food again it would be wonderful.
I’ll let you all know how it goes tomorrow whichever way I choose.
(still no weed by choice) I am considering giving up alcohol for good just so my meds can work to their full potential.
Does anyone else drink from time to time? I was drinking a couple bottles of wine once a week with my SIL. I think I’m over it.
Typically my day consists of sleeping until noon and then watching the same 3 shows every since afternoon. It kills time until hubby gets home and sort of keeps me busy.
Weekends are much harder. Hubby is here but he wants to do things on his computer and shows that I have no interest in. I’d be fine with that if weekend TV didn’t suck when it’s not football season.
My house is a freaking mess. I need to clean it but am so unmotivated to do anything physical.
My shrink wants me to take my latuda and 2mg of Xanax first thing in the morning, it’s made me kind of sleepy feeling all day but I’m also restless. It’s a very strange feeling.
I watched DeadPool with my hubby and could not sit still for more than a minute, it’s driving me crazy.
First off I am super proud of myself for actually going. I had forgotten how much I like her. I’ve even made a follow up appt.
She increased my Latuda to 80, lowered my Wellbutrin to 150 and left the Pristiq the same. She also wants me to change how I take my Xanax 2mg in the morning and then gave me an extra .05 for mid day.
I talked to her about the fact that I have been sick and she thinks that it is because of all the anxiety I am constantly putting myself under. So we are going to work on that and the depression.
Honestly ever since my best friend and dog died I haven’t felt like myself at all. I’m always afraid.
Did you know that the stomach has more serotonin receptors than the brain which is why someone like me can make themselves sick I guess.
I’m still going to the doctors monday so they can at least do some blood work and maybe help on their end.
I have had a lot of bottom problems and vomiting and the inability to want to eat anything. If I smoke weed I can eat. However this is yet another weedless day.
I’ve been avoiding it, hoping it would fix itself but now I’ve actually made the Dr’s appt to get checked out on Monday. I likely won’t learn anything then but getting the ball rolling is what I need to do.
I may be terrified of people but I’m more terrified of dying and for a depressed person to say that means I still got some fight..
Tomorrow is my shrink appt so Fists up.
A Bipolars Reality 