Bipolar

Pissed

Today I am angry. I woke up and felt so anxious that I screamed at the top of my lungs scaring the shit out of my poor dogs. It helped a little I suppose.

Most of the day has just been spent on the web trying to find things that might make me smile or laugh.

I love animal pictures and stories. You know the happy ones. Of course I came across some sad ones that were also happy, you know like a dog getting abandoned and then getting rescued by some kind souls.

I almost hate people who hurt animals. They fucking love us with everything, we should treat them as good as they were our own children. The fact that people can be like that just makes me wonder if the world wouldn’t be better if all the humans were gone.

I’m angry that my mind has so much control over me. I mean I know it controls everything but I’m talking about those voices that constantly talk in our heads. I’d like my brain to give me an atta girl once in a while, would be nice.

I plan on being 2 more days without weed. It has made no difference other than I can’t eat as much and since I am losing weight I would like to keep going. I am over 50 pounds down now. I guess that is an accomplishment. Would be much better if I could stop hating myself.

Blech

 

Anxiety Period

Right now as I write this I am having an anxiety attack. I can barely breathe, my whole body is covered with sweat and my heart is pounding. I feel like I should run away. Fight or Flight right? I’m fighting. It’s hard though. When I am having one of these it makes me feel so helpless.

I cried today, it didn’t help much and made my nose clog.. I was hoping I would feel better afterwards but I really didn’t.

Again I have not smoked any weed today. I’m trying to see if I can just wait until the weekend and try to deal with everything else with my brain.

I have posted this picture before but it describes how I feel exactly.

fight1

Still Feeling Slightly Hopeless.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly better physically but my brain is being a real asshole. I had 3 panic attacks in 2 hours. I honestly thought that I would be able to get past all that. When I was non medicated I didn’t have as many panic attacks. In fact most days I was able to go out and do something, somewhere.

I did take my dogs outside and walked to the mailbox. So something was accomplished today.

I’m so afraid all the time, it’s so tiring.

Anxiety Galore

Today has not been a good day for me. I’ve had a lot of anxiety. I mean a lot. I have tried to keep my mind occupied but it only works for a short period of time and then it creeps back. I forced myself to go out for a walk with hubby to burn some of my extra anxiety. It helped for a little bit.

I’m annoyed and sad and actually a little angry for feeling like shit all the time.

Have I mentioned that sometimes I get so in my head that I can’t eat. I find everything disgusting. I don’t even want sweets. The good news is I’m down on my weight, the bad news is I can only really eat when I”m high. I didn’t smoke today so I can’t eat.  This is probably only the fourth or fifth time I’ve gone a day without smoking but it really makes a difference. I can tell because today I haven’t smoked a thing. I want to but I want to prove that I don’t need it. Know what I mean?

Tomorrow’s got to be a better day,

Frustrating Day

Yesterday after going for a walk in the morning, I also went to CVS and went inside and shopped and stuff. I was a really good day.

Today I woke up and felt defeated almost immediately. I don’t know what the heck goes on with my brain honestly. I’m always my worst critic!

I keep having anxiety every time I think about going to the shrinks. I know I need to go but until it happens I will likely make it a much bigger problem than it will actually turn out to be.

Trying to think positive, not going very well so far.. The day’s not over yet.

I’m Walking

I woke up this morning and I had to get out of the house, likes minutes after I awoke. Luckily hubby was home and able to walk around the block with me. I know I wouldn’t have been able to do it by myself, I’m so thankful he is here. This summer goal is to walk to the corner house and back by myself several times.

Since I’ve come home I’ve been wandering around aimlessly. I’m feel pretty good emotionally actually. I’m gonna try and hold on to that and maybe get something done. I don’t know what yet, but the walk was definitely my high point so far.

Caring About Things

I’m starting to care about some things again. The first being my health, both mental and physical. I’m nervous about visiting my shrink but I know that I need adjustments. I also need to make an appt for my yearly physical.

Prince died today and it freaked me out. The whole flu like symptoms thing covers so much. Add an anxiety attack and bam I’m gonna die. My mind goes there fast. Anyone else have a brain that goes to the worst possible outcome?

I find that I am pacing a lot. I want to do things but have no idea what to do or where to start most of the time. Too many options is almost as bad as none at times. Least I am getting exercise lol.

 

 

Family Wednesday

I cancelled it for the most part. I called it off with my mom in law because she has been really negative lately and I need positivity around me when I am not feeling well.

I’ve played some games today just a bit at a time and am working on another painting. I should post some pics of some of my more recent paintings. I like to hear what people think and I know I am no artist so I don’t mind if people don’t like it.

I’ve been stressing about my shrink appt next week, then I finally said to myself.”Hey, it’s over a week, chill a little.”

I need to seriously chill and shut my brain up. It is constant and it is daunting.

Blah Blah Blah

I could not think of a title. Today I have not done very much. I’ve been kind of chill and just relaxing.

My shrink called today to tell me she would not fill my scripts again until I made an appt to see her.  So now that is coming up next Friday.

I played some World of Warcraft and am planning on playing some more later.

For now I’m just gonna try and unload some anxiety somehow.

 

Interests

I’m starting to have some interest in things again. I play about 5 MMORPG’s and have had no want or need to go into them at all for the past few months. Now I’m starting to feel it a little bit again.  It’s nice to feel something about something that isn’t super sad or boring sounding.

Today I am in an okay mood. Not super up but definitely an improvement.  Gotta take each not depressed day as best as I can, even if I am not up for much I guess.