Work and Erections

When I’m talking about work, I’m talking about my husbands employment and when I am talking about erections I’m talking about my husbands erection.

I don’t get in the mood very often thanks to a hysterectomy and being myself etc etc. When I am in the mood every few weeks I expect hubby to be standing at attention and ready.

When we first got together and I was hypersexual he would have this same issue. He gets worried about work and can’t function. I don’t hold it against him anymore but I used to be a real bitch about it.

Still it is very hard on my tiny ego, I worry that he isn’t attracted to this or that. I have a very fragile tiny ego and it doesn’t take much to hurt my feelings. Yet this has been going on for 14 years and I can handle it much better than I used to.

I’m not saying my feelings are not hurt, just that I know it’s completely unintentional and he already feels bad enough about it. Yet I had to post on the blog to try and get rid of the hurt and not take it out on him. We’ve talked it through.

I know he is stressed about the house and looking after me, that’s a lot of pressure for one person. I’m glad we never had a child to make it worse.. anyhow that’s how I’m feeling today.. hurt but just a little below the surface.

Let It Rain

It’s been raining non stop since yesterday and it’s like a cathartic rain cleaning away my holiday humbugs. My mother in law is decorating the house and burning holiday scented canadles and it is making me look forward to Chritmas instead of dreading it like I always do.

Honestly there is some deep buried thing that makes holidays for us and as soon as I move into my home I will go back to the therapist. Always end up complaining about living here and it solves nothing.

I sent out cards to my family this year which I haven’t done in years. Even to my father who really has nothing to do with my life and my grandparents whom I miss very much.

Do you love or dread the holidays? How does it affect your mental illness? I’d love to hear. that I am not the only one that is affects.image

So Wiggly

I havent been able to sit still for two days. Today I was fortunate enough to get out of the house, hit some stores and visit the house. Yesterday I kept trying to find things around the house to do and was going fucking bonkers unable to find one thing to really do. I mean there was a lot to do, but nothing I could really sit down and do, I was way to antsy.

I hate when I am like this, it is the best time for me to create but as I said I am unable to paint anymore and my photoshop is on my computer in storage. I simply can’t yet get access to these things. I have all sorts of things packed. Jewellery making stuff, arts and crafts, computer stuff and more. All of which I have no access to. *sigh*

MIL is giving me even more of our stuff to put in out tiny little bedroom and it’s angering me. I feel so shoved off into the corner with no room to breathe.

Being able to breathe is important. Being able to live even more so. It doesn’t feel like I am doing either very well at the moment.

I want to find one of those spinning things that are in childrens parks and lay on my back and spin until I throw up, cause maybe then my brain will shut up and stop spinning on it’s own.

I Can See

Today we went and got my glasses they were finally done. Things look weird like I am drunk but that will pass after a while.

Today we went out to the house and they are installing drywall which is so awesome. It’s nice to see the house heading towards being finished.

My mood has been up and down today, I have had a lot of anxiety and I don’t feel really well. I hate it when my tummy has issues. It makes the anxiety so much worse.

MIL is in the holiday spirit and is hanging christmas stuff all over the house, it’s really nice. It makes me wish that I didnt have such a hard time with this time of year and could just enjoy it. I’m certainly going to try and have some good times..

Trying is the first step to doing.

So Frustrating

I love my husband, he is warm, funny and handsome man who puts up with all my shit. In the mornings though I want to strangle him. His alarm wakes me up several times as he hits snooze. Then as he leaves he wakes me again to ask how he looks. I always have a problem going back to sleep but then he goes down and talks to his mom for 20 mins while he plays on the computer. I can hear them talking it gets my paranoia going like crazy.

It’s like this most weekday mornings and today I just blew up at him because of it. I hate weaking up before my body wants me too, it makes me cranky for the whole day and I get so hurt he doesn’t stay and talk to me.

I know it is completely irrational.  That doesn’t stop it from happening though. I feel sorry for the poor guy. I’m glad he tolerates me. Living with a bipolar is a really hard job. I don’t know that if it were reversed I would be so damn good natured about everything.

I’m a lucky woman.

Even When Your Not In The Mood

I write my blog every day but I don’t always feel like it. Sometimes I stumble over what to say or my day has been so vanilla that there has been nothing interesting emotionally to write about. Yet it is the one promise that I keep to myself. Trust me I’ve made tons.

I’ve started diets and failed multiple times and exercise programs. Cleaning the house or myself. Wearing makeup or doing my hair. None of these things have I ever done for this amount of time.

So I’m writing, I’m here today and I will be tomorrow. The only reason I won’t write will be because something horrific has happened. Just not wanting to is not enough of a reason not to do it.

Next year I will be doing more than writing, probably photos and stories as well as my moods, but for now this is what it is.. enjoy

So Fucking Moody

As you know last night was a really hard one. Today has been a lot better though. I’ve been neutral.

I had a lot of nightmares last night. So I was surprised to wake up feeling non-depressed. I swear I woke up every 30 mins from one terror or another. I haven’t had that happen in a long time. Have you ever had a scary dream that made it so you didn’t want to step off the bed because something might grab you from under it or your afraid to go into the hall cause there might be someone there. That was my night.

Today I’ve accomplished nothing but not being really depressed. I guess that is something though. I’ve just spent my day watching Korean drama’s. At least it is Wednesday and I only have two more days until the weekend when I am lucky enough to have hubby all to myself. I’m basically waiting for the weekend each week. I think once we get into house it is going to be a lot easier as I’ll have access to a lot more things to do. Still a couple months til that happens though. Always counting down to something.

Thanks for the comments, it really helped me feel less depressed!

Delving Back Into The Deep

I woke up so morose today. I didn’t want to get out of bed and I kept thinking about ways to kill myself. I asked hubby to come home for the afternoon to just be safe.

I feel a little better now that I’ve had a glass of wine or two. I know it’s self medicating but I don’t have a choice at the moment since my shrink is out on maternity leave and I can’t get any help from the office.

I’ve asked twice for an increase in my latuda and havent heard a damn thing one way or another. The depression is way outlasting the good and with all the stress on top of it, it can be downright unbearable.

The thing that keeps me going is that I don’t want to be without my husband. It keeps me from the hospital but it also keeps me from going over the edge and killing myself. I know that is probably also unhealthy but for now it works.

I sent out christmas cards to my family tonight, even my father whom has made very little effort to be in my life. At least I got something accomplished.

I Want Beef

it’s crazy, I’m constantly starving and all I want is beef. I am not sure what is up with it. I don’t want steaks or stew meat just ground meat, burgers.. I dunno whats going on, I usually get cravings like this for sugary stuff or even carbs not meat though.

Gonna just go with the flow though.

I got to talk with my BFF tonight and it felt good. I’ve missed just chatting with her. It hurts that I can’t help with her pain but I’m so glad she is in my life. I can’t believe I acted like such a shit out of fear. I love her.

My mood has been mostly bored and hungry today, so I’m gonna go cook up some meat and see if it takes care of the craving, I’ll keep trying til it stops.

FA LA LA LA LA

The house smells like Christmas, the lights have gone up and the tree is standing. MIL is cooking a spiral ham and it just has a nice warm feel to it. I’m surprised usually anything christmasy makes me a little sad to downright depressed.

It seems I might have come out of my depressive state. (I hate saying it cause I feel like it jinx’s me) Hubby and I went to the house and took our dogs. We let them off leash and they ran around enjoying having so much space to run in. It was absolutely adorable.

I did wake up grumpy this morning, but that seems to be my usual waking state. I’m not a morning person. By the time I fully open my eyes a gazillion thoughts have ran through my head and it usually just makes me want to stay in bed. It’s those whatif’s and oh gods..

I seriously thought this morning I couldn’t go through another day like every other day, yet my mood picked up and it has been fairly happy. *shrug* I don’t get why my brain thinks that way it does, I just know that it is my worst enemy and I need to fight it every day. Today I won. Yesterday I won. I wonder how tomorrow will go….